My wife (an office she’s held for all of a month now) asked me if I would help out with the thank you notes for our wedding presents. Tradition holds this is the bride’s responsibility, but, being a modern guy, I agreed to lend a hand. Which is when the writer’s block set in. My mind reeled at all the problems I faced. How to discreetly thank people who’d given us money? How to avoid sounding ridiculous while praising a gift we had selected ourselves and put on our own registry? What to say to the two or three people I know who are themselves master note-writers? And what about those to whom much more than a short note is owed?
All these worries hit me before I’d penned a single muchas gracias. Paralyzed, I turned to the experts, on hand in the form of several piles of books and magazines put out by the wedding industry.
For the most part, they advised euphemism and gushiness. If you’re thanking someone for money, whatever you do, don’t mention money; call it a “generous gift.” If you’re thanking someone for a present you consider ugly, call it “interesting,” “unique,” “bold,” or (no kidding) a “conversation piece.”
Usually they recommended kindness, but not always. The Bride’s Thank You Note Handbook, easily the dimmest-witted of the books I perused, provides a sample note under the heading “The Gift That Must Be Exchanged.” It thanks “Diane” for “beautiful crystal decanters” and goes on, “We truly hate to part with them and only wish we didn’t need something so unaesthetic as a vacuum cleaner.” Clearly it would be preferable to lie.
This particular guide has over a hundred sample missives, covering a seemingly exhaustive range of gifts, but many of the notes are rendered useless by comments no sane person would actually make. Thus, acknowledging some football tickets, a bride enthuses, “I adore the sport,” adding, “The television broadcasts leave out the hot dogs, coffee, and colorful excitement of being there. Your gift has really scored a touchdown with us.” Who says “television broadcasts”? And who drinks coffee at a football game?
Perhaps a bride is supposed to be embarrassed to admit she’d have a beer. That would be in keeping with the atmosphere of unreality these authors believe thank you notes should convey. Saying a gift is nice or attractive is never enough. A camera is a lifesaver: “Until its arrival we didn’t know how we were going to record our honeymoon.” A cocktail shaker is the key to a successful social life: “I predict your bar accessories will make us the most popular host and hostess in town.”
No exclamation point is ever deemed over the top; no kitchen appliance is merely useful. “The food processor is marvelous! In two days, it’s whipped up two malteds, eight flapjacks, and four helpings of mousse.” In a sample note in Emily Post’s Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette, a vase “looks like it was made for our mantle and we have already put it to use holding a bouquet of daffodils.” In wedding-guide land, every single gift fits with freakish perfection into the house and lives of its recipients.
Unfortunately, the more I read, the loopier I felt, and the more determined to leave my mark on the literature of thank you notes. Soon I was scribbling — you could even say hitting my stride:
First let me compliment your excellent taste in flatware. Fortunately, several other guests of ours have shown a similarly elevated aesthetic sense and given us place settings in the exact same style. . . .
We are so glad you could make it to the wedding. And thanks for the dough, which has really been helpful in paying Cynthia the stipend I promised her when she became my wife. . . .
Cynthia informs me that you gave us China as a wedding present. What were you thinking?! Taiwan would have been more than generous. A small European nation, maybe. . . .
Thanks for your generous gift. We have already deposited it in our emergency bail-bond account. The wife is always getting herself into little scrapes. . . .
Though no longer blocked, I find I am still struggling with the more formal notes. But I can promise one thing: No relative, friend, or colleague of mine is going to be thanked for giving us a “conversation piece.”
DAVID SKINNER
