The federal government shouldn’t be shutting down non-essential functions. It should be privatizing them and shutting down essential functions.
The one thing you can say about most of the things President Obama has chosen to shut down during the budget battle is that they made someone happy. Whether it’s the National Zoo, national parks, private parks, historic monuments, children’s cancer research, campgrounds, or fishing outlets, Obama wants to make well and sure you don’t enjoy any of them while he waits for Republicans to buckle over Obamacare.
As the stories trickled out about Obama’s goons stringing wire through barricades to ruin 80-year-old vets’ chances to see the World War II Memorial and blocking the view from the road to Mount Rushmore, I went from guffawing at the ineffectuality of his shutdown to seething over the maliciousness with which he targeted innocent bystanders via a series of shutdown spectacles that cost more to carry out than to just leave the sites open.
While parks, monuments, and campgrounds bring people pleasure, you can’t say the same about the agencies Obama chose to leave open, which nominally provide key services, but regularly inflict torment on hapless citizens. When was the last time you heard someone gush how the Department of Education or the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) had made his life better?
Consider the putative roles and funding levels* of the following federal behemoths and the tortures they rain down on us:
Department of the Interior, $9.9 billion. This harmless agency founded before the Civil War is there to manage and conserve federal land, right? Wrong. Lately its main duties seem to be preventing off-shore drilling, banning oil exploration, and keeping retailers from expanding.
Department of Justice, $25.5 billion. Tasked to enforce federal law for cases of national importance, they’re best known under Obama for criminalizing whistleblowers, enabling voter intimidation, and shipping guns to drug cartels.
Department of Commerce, $7.4 billion. Charged with promoting an infrastructure that supports commerce, but better known for punishing farmers for not growing crops, banning guns in school zones, and forcing people to buy health insurance.
Department of Health and Human Services, $66.1 billion. Intended to ensure the health of the populace; known for stalling drug approvals, making the populace obese with the carb-heavy Food Pyramid, and forcing people to buy health insurance.
Department of Homeland Security, $38.2 billion. Intended to protect the nation from terrorism; known for strip-searching babies and monks at airports, exposing people to scatter radiation, and stockpiling ammunition.
And then there’s the Internal Revenue Service. No one likes the IRS, but supposedly we need them to enforce the federal tax code. Except that they’re best known these days for stalking Tea Party groups, intimidating political opponents, and forcing people to buy health insurance.
So how much does it cost to run the National Zoo? $25 million to operate two facilities, about a quarter of which comes from private donations.
I’ve changed my mind — turn on the Panda Cam again, and turn off the spigot to these wholly unnecessary, misery-spreading “essential” federal agencies.
(* department appropriations numbers are discretionary estimates only and based on Fiscal Year 2013, post-sequestration)
