Tuesday Morning Quarterback: A League of Fraidy-Cats at Kickoff

Perhaps you are thinking, “That’s because the super-sophisticated, highly-paid coaches have analyzed the surprise onside and concluded it’s too risky.” Maybe, but the same super-sophisticated, highly-paid coaches punt on 4th-and-1, which is not a risky down-and-distance. Head coaches order punts on 4th-and-1 because they want the players, not coaching decisions, to take the blame for defeats, in order to keep their high-paying jobs. Arizona’s Bruce Arians ordered a fourth quarter 4th-and-1 try that failed on Sunday, and was blamed for the Cardinals’ defeat. Head coaches don’t like the surprise onside for the same reason. If it works, great; if it fails, the coach is blasted in the sportsyak world, and has to answer for his decision in his year-end performance review with the owner. Better, from the standpoint of coaching job security, to kick away on kickoffs and let the players be blamed for the game outcome.

Onside kicks are rare in the NFL: only 48 in the 2016 regular season and 23 so far in 2017. Surprise onsides are really rare: about five per regular season in recent years. The most recent time Football Outsiders charted onsides, from 2000 to 2009, 50 percent of surprise onsides were recovered by the kickers, while “forced” onsides that the receiving team expects were recovered about 10 percent of the time.

Think about the dynamics of the surprise onside in the pros. The ball is spotted at the kickers’ 35. (Technically the kickoff doesn’t have to come from the 35, rather from anywhere behind the kickers’ “restraining line,” which is usually the 35.) Should the surprise onside fail, in a typical situation the receivers take possession around midfield, versus at their 25, had the kickoff sailed through the end zone for a touchback. So the surprise onside wagers a 50 percent chance of 25 yards of field position for the opponent versus a 50 percent chance of recovery—that is, of a turnover.

If any NFL team had a reputation for lots of surprise onsides, opponents would prepare. Since no team has that reputation, the surprise onside seems really appealing.

If there were an exotic blitz that caused a turnover 50 percent of the time while allowing a 25 yard gain the rest of the time, NFL and big-college coaches would call that blitz frequently. But head coaches are praised for blitzing—announcers and sportswriters extol the big blitz. So even if a big-blitz tactic backfires, there’s no career risk for the coach who says, “Let’s bring the house.” The surprise onside, by contrast, looks like a dumb decision if it fails. So coaches don’t want to call it, though they’d happily call a defensive tactic that had the same chance of success.

Considering the appeal of the surprise onside, is it time to rethink kickoffs?

There is a clear case for simply ending the kickoff. It’s the most concussion-prone action in football. The recent NFL rule change—a touchback comes out to the 25 rather than the 20—was supposed to reduce the total number of kickoff returns, and thereby reduce brain injuries. But the effect of moving the spot to the 25 turned out to be trivial. About a year ago Bill Belichick noted that since most of kickoff coverage and blocking occurs before the players know the result will be a touchback, they’re slamming into each other just as hard even when there is no return, with almost as much neurological risk.

Last winter Bob Milloy, a wonderful man who is Maryland’s all-time winningest high school coach, retired after 405 victories and eight state titles. Milloy has long contended the kickoff should be eliminated, with the scored-upon team simply taking possession on the 30. Milloy once told me, “The special teams players tend to be backups who have been standing around, not loose, then on kickoffs try to impress the coaches with recklessness. If the kickoff was eliminated and teams just started at their 30, this would reduce injuries but not diminish the game.”

Remember the center jump after every field goal in basketball? Most likely you don’t, since the jump after every basket was eliminated in 1938; the center jump after simultaneous possession was eliminated in 1982. Purists howled following each change, but basketball improved. If football eliminated the kickoff—it could have an exhibit in the Sports Museum, next to the jump ball—within a few years nobody would miss it. Injuries would decline, especially at the high-school level where the backups who are trying to impress the coach with recklessness have no chance of an athletic scholarship to college. Plus the NFL would shed that annoying sequence in which Team A scores; then there’s a TV timeout and commercials; then Team B watches the kickoff sail out of the end zone; then there are more commercials.

But if the kickoff is to remain, make it interesting with surprise onsides! The best surprise onsides come in the first half, when no one expects them. But second-half onsides work too, as the Saints and Crimson Tide showed.

Big-money coaches are so averse to the onside that even in some forced-onside situations they’d rather do the “safe” thing and kick. In last January’s playoffs, Kansas City scored with 2:43 remaining to pull within 18-16 of the Steelers, Chiefs down to one time out. Onside! Onside! The always-conservative Andy Reid kicked away, instead, and his team never touched the ball again.

If nothing else, when a penalty on the try advances the kickoff spot to the 50, an NFL team should onside. From midfield the wager is a good chance of a turnover versus the opponent taking over with about the field position it would have after a touchback anyway. In the second half of last night’s Falcons at Seahawks clash, Atlanta kicked off from the 50 following a penalty on the hosts—and kicked away, rather than onside. The ball sailed through the end zone and came out to the 25. Atlanta led 31-20 at that juncture; an onside from midfield might have knocked Seattle out, with all but zero downside risk to the Falcons. Yet Dan Quinn, like other NFL coaches, is so programmed never to call the surprise onside that the Falcons just kicked away.

NFL teams almost never onside, yet frequently run kickoffs out of their end zones, rather than kneel and take the ball at the 25. The result often is returners failing to reach the 25—but players are blamed for that, not coaches. Kevin Seifert notes that last season the average drive start following a kickoff return was the 24.8 yard line. Some is the result of kickoffs that came down outside the end zone and had to be returned, but a lot results from bringing kickoffs out of the end zone and failing to reach the 25. Coaches should rethink the end zone return and instruct players to take the touchback in most cases.

Beyond the surprise onside there is another missing play on kickoffs: the trick return. When’s the last time you saw a reverse on an NFL kickoff, or a fake reverse, or a throwback play? NFL kickoffs are so bland and predictable—either make them interesting with onsides and trick returns, or send the kickoff to the sports museum and just let the receiving team take possession.

In other football news, perhaps there will be a Pennsylvania Turnpike Super Bowl. The Keystone State’s teams are a combined 17-3, and both just posted decisive victories in primetime. Baseball had a Subway Series in 2000 when the Mets faced the Yankees, football had a Thruway Super Bowl in 1991 with Giants versus Bills, and a Pacific Coast Highway Super Bowl in 1995 when the Chargers met the 49ers. A Pennsylvania Turnpike Super Bowl presumably would feature lots of tractor-trailer trucks stuck in traffic.

This week both Pittsburgh and Philadelphia employed no-huddle quick-snap tactics that confounded opponents, though the quick-snap has been observed in the NFL since the 2007 Patriots. The Steelers’ defense continues to be best in the league at the zone rush—usually it’s not a true blitz, four guys rush but presnap the quarterback can’t tell which four are coming—while Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz, previously a believer in conservative coverage-oriented schemes, has been sending pressure like mad this season. Maybe it’s drinking from the same water fountains that Jim Johnson once drank from. At Dallas, Boys facing 3rd-and-7, Schwartz sent a seven-man “house” blitz that caused an incompletion. The Cowboys were expecting blitz, and that tactic still worked. Teams that can succeed at the expected may advance to the finale.

The Steelers and Eagles have in common that both are good at the deuce. At Dallas, placekicker injured, the Eagles went for two on four occasions, converting thrice. Pittsburgh is among the few NFL clubs that, since the new try rule, has scored early for a 6-0 margin and gone for two. If the season finale involves a lot of deuce tries—not forced tries by a trailing team late, but aggressive tries early—it could be an fun Super Bowl.

The Jacksonville Jaguars—the Jacksonville Jaguars!—are 7-3, thanks to a strong defense and a soft schedule. Here, Yannick Ngakoue strips the ball from Browns QB DeShone Kizer in a 19-7 road win on Sunday. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

Stats of the Week #1. Since winning the Super Bowl, the Broncos are 12-14.

Stats of the Week #2. The defending champion Patriots have scored in the final two minutes of the first half for seven consecutive games.

Stats of the Week #3. Last season the Raiders’ defense tied for third-best with 16 interceptions. This season the Raiders have reached Thanksgiving week without any interceptions.

Stats of the Week #4. In the two games since left tackle Tyron Smith went out injured, Dallas has surrendered 12 sacks.

Stats of the Week #5. The Lions, who host the Vikings on Thursday, are on a 4-0 Thanksgiving Day streak, following an 0-9 streak.

Stats of the Week #6. In the three games since trading nose tackle Marcell Dareus, Buffalo has allowed 638 rushing yards and 11 rushing touchdowns. In the three games since obtaining Dareus, Jacksonville has allowed 166 rushing yards and one rushing touchdown.

Stats of the Week #7. Blaine Gabbert is 9-32 as a starter.

Stats of the Week #8. No surprise that Cleveland is last on the vital giveaway/takeaway metric. Second-last are the Denver Broncos—less than two years on from standing on orange confetti at the end of a Super Bowl win.

Stats of the Week #9. Kansas City opened 5-0 and since is 1-4.

Stats of the Week #10. New Orleans opened 0-2 and since is 8-0.

Sweet Play of the Week. LA/A leading 7-0 in the second quarter, Minnesota faced 2nd-and-goal on the Rams 8. The Vikings put three tight ends on the same side, suggesting power rush in that direction. LA/A responded with a funky press front that included 225-pound converted safety Mark Barron at middle linebacker. The Vikings’ guards and center Nick Easton, Joe Berger, and Pat Elfein drove straight ahead and pasted the Rams’ front, easily pushing Barron out of the way while manhandling defensive line stars Aaron Donald and Michael Brockers. Tailback Latavius Murray strolled into the end zone for a sweet touchdown that set in motion the host’s dominant performance.

It’s still not clear whether the Rams are a serious team, but it’s now settled that the Vikings are serious. Can they reach the Super Bowl with a third-string quarterback? Case Keenum is 7-2 this season. The Vikings’ stout defense held the league’s highest-scoring club to seven points. As for Vikes center Easton, he is one of six Harvard players in the NFL.

Sour Play of the Week. Chiefs at Giants in overtime, Kansas City has had the ball already, so now it’s sudden-death. Jersey/A faced 4th-and-5 on the Chiefs 36—too far for a field goal on a day of gusting wind.

Kansas City came out in the extremely rare Cover Zero, with 11 men up on the line and no safety. The Chiefs’ defensive front was so strange your columnist thought Kansas City was expecting a field goal attempt. But Kansas City had time outs and didn’t call one; what the Chiefs wanted was Cover Zero. The equally rare eight-man blitz that followed had the predictable result of a long pass completion that put the hosts on the visitors’ 2 yard line, with the winning kick to follow. No safety; eight-man blitz; what on Earth was running through the minds of Kansas City coaches?

Sweet ‘n’ Sour Comeback of the Week. Score tied at 31, the Washington R*dsk*ns had 1st-and-10 on the New Orleans 34 with 31 seconds in regulation, out of time outs. The game is in a dome, offering ideal placekicking conditions: a run, followed by a spike to stop the clock, followed by a placekick, and Washington’s chances are good. Instead Kirk Cousins sails the ball to no one in the flat. The penalty for intentional grounding pushes the visitors out of field-goal range, and the contest goes to overtime. Taking possession in overtime, Cousins tried to hand off to no one, held the ball confused, and was sacked, setting up the punt that put the home team in command.

Neither of these results was necessarily the fault of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons quarterback; maybe one or more of his teammates fouled up. But on both downs, it was hard to tell what Washington was even trying to do. Cousins was hit hard on the head in the second quarter and went right back into the game. Was he woozy? Should the R*dsk*ns have “taken away his helmet,” that is, put him into concussion protocol? Earlier in the contest, Jay Gruden twice went for it on fourth down, including on 4th-and-1 from his own 15. One would think such bold decisions would have been rewarded by the football gods. For a team that this season has performed well early and then regularly botched end-of-half situations, these plays were sour.

Sweet was the comeback that put the Saints’ winning streak at eight victories. Drew Brees went 11-for-11 as the Saints offense gained 213 yards and scored 18 points in the final moments of the second half and in overtime.

Trailing 31-23 with 1:21 in regulation, New Orleans had 1st-and-10 at midfield. Washington ran a big blitz. Linebacker Ryan Kerrigan, who should have covered Saints tight end Coby Fleener, lost track of Fleener completely. Fleener took a short checkdown and hoofed it 29 yards into the red zone. Sweet for the hosts, sour for the visitors.

Scoring to pull within 31-29, New Orleans went for two. There was a moment of confusion, and Brees realized that, although the game clock does not move on a try, the play clock does—New Orleans was about to lose five yards. Brees hustled the Saints to the line. Two tight ends set in-line on the left as if the action would be a power rush; then both shifted wide as if the action would be an alley-oop pass; then a tight end came in motion back toward Brees, who took the snap and faked to the motion man; then Brees flipped backhanded to rookie tailback Alvin Kamara, who walked into the end zone for the deuce. A sugar-sweet play.

Future Curmudgeon (New Running Item). “Kids, when I was your age, we only had 140 characters. Show a little appreciation for the new four-dimensional neural-linked Twitter, will you? When I was your age the family used to spend real quality time together, stuck in the car in traffic. Now that cars drive themselves and there are no traffic jams, we don’t have that quality family together time anymore. See, you kids don’t even know what a traffic jam is, that’s how bad things have gotten! How often do I have to tell you not to play with the antimatter transducer? Look what you did, now you’ve sent your little brother to another dimension again. Oh no, I’m not going. This time you go get him!”

Do a Little Dance If You Want to Gain That Yard! TMQ’s Law of Short Yardage holds: Do a little dance if you want to gain that yard. Trailing Houston 24-21 in the fourth quarter, the Cactus Wrens went on 4th-and-1: no shift, no misdirection, just a straight-ahead rush that was stuffed. On the next snap, the Texans scored a touchdown to put the contest on ice.

Schmuck v. United States (Actual Supreme Court Case Title) Seems Disturbingly Like Something Occurring in the White House. Whichever side wins the gays-versus-bakers dispute going before the Supreme Court, it has the best case title ever: Masterpiece Cake Shop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission. That’s even better than Bivens v. Six Unknown Named Agents.

Because public-accommodations law predated the Civil Rights Act of 1964, any baker, like any hotelier, who hangs out a sign welcoming the public may find himself directed to serve any customer whose money is good. For the moment the owner of the Colorado bakery, Jack Phillips, is avoiding this dilemma by not baking wedding cakes for anyone. Wouldn’t it be easier, and better for business, for he and his customers to agree to disagree about gay marriage? Attitudes on this subject have changed amazingly fast. That doesn’t prove the new pro-gay-marriage attitude is correct, just as the previous opposition to gay marriage did not prove the old anti-gay-marriage attitude was correct. Agreeing to disagree, while respecting marriage equality, seems the best middle ground today. Though it’s not hard to imagine that within a generation, not only will civil gay marriage be uncontroversial, most religious denominations will embrace the idea.

Tolerance of religion, long an American core value, increasingly is joined by tolerance regarding gender and sexuality. To future generations, these ideas may seem of a piece. TMQ’s youngest, Spenser, observed recently, “As people get older they become more closed-minded, and as societies get older they become more open-minded.” This seems to be going on in the United States. Let’s order a decorated cake to celebrate.

Jack of the River Quits on Season. Raiders players have been quitting on games. Now head coach Jack del Rio has quit on the season. To prepare for a contest in Mexico City, elevation 7,380 feet, Bill Belichick took the Patriots to Colorado Springs, elevation 6,035 feet, for a full week. Jack of the River kept his team in northern California. That’s all the information you need to know who won.

At Least New Cars Still Have Steering Wheels and Pedals; Soon They May Not. Hubcaps and radios once lured customers to dealerships: with each passing year, one-upmanship increases. With 2018 models arriving in showrooms, it’s time for a review of far-out features on new cars.

Honda’s new Odyssey minivan has a 10-speed automatic transmission. A generation ago, most automatics were three-speed; just a decade ago, a four-speed automatic was exotic. Automakers keep adding gears, producing five- to eight-speed automatics. Now the 10-speed arrives—just like a bicycle! The number of speeds in an automatic transmission has nothing to do with how the driver experiences the car. Adding speeds can increase fuel efficiency, but mainly it sounds like a zoomy feature. Conventional automatics are in the process of yielding to the continuously-variable transmission, which has only two settings that matter to the driver: forward and reverse.

The new BMW i8 hybrid has a six-speed transmission on the rear axle, which is driven by a gasoline engine, and a two-speed transmission on the front axle, which is driven by an electric motor. Maybe you can upshift and downshift at the same time! Your neighbor’s car probably only has, like, one engine, so get ahead of the Joneses by owning a two-engine BMW. Because the i8, like other electric-boosted vehicles, is strangely quiet—the car’s sound system generates a fake vroom-vroom noise. The result is that inside the car, the i8 sounds loud. Outside, it doesn’t.

Why stop at two engines? The new Volvo XC60 hybrid has three motors: a gasoline engine for the front axle, a big electric motor for the rear axle, and a small electric motor that adds spin to the transmission. This is the ideal car for someone who lives next to the owner of a BMW i8: “Oh, I see how it is, your car only has two motors.”

A Honda Odyssey is on display at the 109th Annual Chicago Auto Show at McCormick Place in Chicago, Illinois, on February 10, 2017. (Photo By Raymond Boyd/Getty Images)

Buyers expect expensive cars, however powered, to make a satisfying vroom-vroom as the engine winds; regulators want to enforce muffler rules. Increasingly the solution is that the cams-winding noise is faked by the sound system. Porsche 911s offer “active exhaust” with three sound settings. High-end Lexus models have for a couple of years included “active Sound Control to enhance the auditory experience. The engine note volume resonating through the cabin can be adjusted.” Basically a knob on the dash controls how much grrrrrrr grrrrrrr engine noise (faked, of course) you experience through the stereo speakers.

The new 911 also has a “mass damper” that perhaps is akin to the mythical “inertial damping” that allows the starship Enterprise to go from 10,000 times the speed of light to full stop without its crew splatting against the bulkheads. Don’t want a mass damper in your car? Buy an Audi that offers “dither assistance.”

Special paint can run up your fancy-car price tag. A Lexus can be had in Molten Pearl. AMG will put Solar Beam Yellow on a new Mercedes for a mere $10,000, though good luck getting Maaco to match that when you scratch the car in a parking garage. Possibly people who buy a $130,000 AMG-GT never actually risk driving it, so scratches won’t be an issue.

In other frills, some Acuras have GPS-linked air conditioning—as you drive from the equator to the Mackenzie River, the A/C automatically turns itself down. The Audi SQ5 not only has 19 speakers—I’d never drive a car with only 18 speakers—but offers “three-dimensional sound,” which seems a glorified way of saying, “sound.”

Increasingly, car companies try to upsell macho-looking combinations of big wheels with expensive, low-profile tires rated for 130 MPH or more. These tires can’t legally be driven anywhere close to their rated speeds; aren’t any safer than standard tires; offer little traction on snow or in strong rain; and their skinny sidewalls mean they’re more likely to blow if you take a corner too tight and strike the curb. In other words fancy tires ask you to pay extra for something you can’t use and will find expensive to maintain or repair, on the off chance the tires will cause a “wow, look at that” reaction from . . . people who don’t understand cars. Some marques call low-profile speed-rated rubber “summer tires,” which is a way of saying you’d better have another complete set for when the weather changes.

Jim Parker of the Charleston Post and Courier notes that many dandified supercar features function to attract buyers to showrooms, where they actually purchase something practical.

Back to transmission speeds. The first car I owned, a beat-up Fiat 124—till recently there were no other kinds of Fiat 124s except the beat-up kind (mine is on the left and the new iteration on the right)—had a five-speed manual, which then was viewed as advanced. Today I drive a car with a six-speed, the current norm for manuals. Porsche has added a seven-speed manual with “a throttle blip function” that ensures “a more emotional driving experience and an impressive sound.” Can the eight-speed manual be far behind? At least automakers are realizing some buyers still want stick shifts. The new update of the Honda Accord, a mainstream sedan, offers a sport edition with a six-speed stick. As Car & Driver magazine began to say a few years ago: Save the Manuals!

Falcons Wake Up, Smell Coffee. A month ago when the NFC defending champions were 3-3, WEEKLY STANDARD EIC Steve Hayes gave yours truly a hard time for saying, on the TMQ podcast, that the Falcons could be a force down the stretch in the NFL season. Since then they’ve gone 3-1, and if the season ended today—which isn’t likely—would get a wild-card invitation. If this club’s Super Bowl hangover is over, I’d watch out. Two of Atlanta’s last dozen games have been versus the Seahawks, and they’ve won both. Playing at CenutryLink Field, the hardest place in the league to score, Atlanta posted possession results of (discounting deliberate kneel-downs): touchdown, touchdown, punt, field goal, touchdown, punt, field goal, punt. That’s the kind of offensive efficiency brought Matt Ryan’s charges within a fourth quarter of the Lombardi in February.

As for the Seahawks, yes, they have multiple injuries, but in the NFL, many teams have multiple injuries by Thanksgiving. Some of the Blue Men Group’s puzzling personnel decisions have come back to haunt them, not least releasing placekicker Steven Hauschka to bring in Blair Walsh. The latter was short on a long field goal attempt as time expired Monday night; Hauschka is 6-of-6 from 50 yards or more this season.

Pete Carroll’s decision to fake a field goal from the Atlanta 17 with 7 seconds remaining in the first half will go down as one of the all-time head-scratchers. Tight end Luke Willson took a shovel pass and, owing to the clock, had to get to the end zone. Maybe if he had earned a first down and Seattle used its final time out with a second remaining, then the team could have . . . kicked a field goal anyway. Normally this column extols bold decision making in football, but in this instance the risk-to-reward ratio was all out of whack for the Seahawks: Kicking and ending the half with Atlanta ahead 24-20 would have been fine for the home team, which generally plays well in the second half. Instead it was a long-shot play that wasn’t likely to succeed, and the half ended with Atlanta ahead 24-17 and everyone in the stadium thinking, “Huh?”

Seattle has lost two straight at home. Till those losses, Russell Wilson had been on a 43-6 stretch as a home starter, rendering the Seahawks close to invincible on their own turf. Now the Blue Men Group looks mortal in Seattle, and, with its injuries, will be hard-pressed to reach the postseason. Overall the team is in a down cycle for talent, and has already spent high picks in the 2018 and 2019 drafts. When Carroll realized things were headed down at USC, he flew the coop. Will he fly the—whatever it is that seahawks, whatever they are, live in?

Tuesday Morning Quarterback Would Gladly Accept a Canadian Sponsor. The CFL season starts early in order to conclude before glaciers cover the fields: The Canadian title contest already is upon us. Sunday pits the Argonauts versus the Stampeders for the CFL cup, which this year is the Grey Cup Presented by Shaw. Shania Twain will sing at the Freedom Mobil Halftime Show. This makes TMQ think the Super Bowl Presented by Facebook, with Taylor Swift singing at the Comcast Halftime Show Powered by Taco Bell, is in our future.

Adventures in Officiating. With 57 seconds remaining before intermission of Flaming Thumbtacks versus Hypocycloids—all-blue versus all-black—Ben Roethlisberger threw a pass that Antonio Brown caught, and then fumbled at the Tennessee 42. The fumble was recovered by a Pittsburgh player at the Tennessee 32, where officials spotted the ball for a Steelers first down.

In the final two minutes of a half, only the player who commits a fumble can recover it for a gain: the Holy Roller rule. If anyone from the offense other than the fumbling player recovers the ball, the spot is the point of the fumble. Zebras should have positioned the ball on the Tennessee 42, not the Tennessee 32. Pittsburgh hit a 50-yard field goal as time expired. It’s all but inconceivable Pittsburgh could have hit a 60-yard field goal in the league’s toughest stadium for placement kicks.

Eight officials worked the game, and none of them knew the rule about fumbles in the final two minutes. An officiating supervisor in New York watched over the zebras’ shoulders, and he did not know the rule. The NFL Network announcers (Mike Tirico and Chris Collinsworth) did not know the rule, or in any case were too busy chortling and congratulating themselves to mention it. The NFL Network spotter who was talking into the earpieces of Tirico and Collinsworth (spotters talking into an earpiece is how network announcers can seem aware of line play and coverages) did not know the rule. At least 12 people—eight officials at the game, one in New York, two announcers, and a spotter—did not know the rule, and all are specialists in NFL football. TMQ is convinced that NFL popularity is declining in part because product quality is declining, as evidenced by blunders such as these.

It was a particularly tough week for these guys. (Paul Maritz)

The Steelers played a fine game on defense, employing the tight-coverage single-high Cover 1 they’ve used over the years against quarterbacks whose passing ability they do not respect. The result was two long touchdown passes for Marcus Mariota—if a receiver gets past press coverage, look out—and four interceptions for Pittsburgh. Any defensive coordinator would trade two long touchdowns for four interceptions.

Scoring to take a two-touchdown lead over 17-point favorite Miami, the University of Virginia onside kicked. It was a perfect surprise onside, touched by Miami before it traveled 10 yards making the kick a live ball, clearly recovered by Virginia. Officials huddled for five minutes before awarding possession to the Hurricanes and tacking on an illegal block foul versus the Cavaliers—though NCAA rules don’t allow review to add a flag for an illegal block, only for “targeting.” A total botch by the officiating crew—and it took them five minutes of hemming and hawing to be wrong.

Washington at New Orleans in overtime, a 31-yard rush by Mark Ingram positioned the hosts for the winning field goal. On the down, Washington’s Josh Norman flagrantly was held at the point of attack—no flag. Norman reacted like a baby, standing and theatrically waving his arms rather than pursuing the runner. Nevertheless, officials badly mishandled this play.

Arizona at Houston, the Cardinals punted; an Arizona player tried to down the punt; the rolling ball was scooped up by a Texan, who ran backward into his end zone and was tackled. The zebra nearby signaled safety. The referee waved off the two points and gave Houston possession at the point of first touching: When the punting team is first to touch a punt that gets across the line of scrimmage, no matter what happens next, the receiving team always can opt for possession where the first touch occurred. Kudos for correct officiating in this case.

Bills Even Tank at Tanking. Last season, Bills management made a sudden, panicky decision to bench Tyrod Taylor and start rookie quarterback Cardale Jones, who didn’t even find out until the Wednesday before the game. Jones was so awful his career may be over. Last week, the Bills new management made a sudden, panicky decision to bench Tyrod Taylor and start rookie quarterback Nathan Peterman, who didn’t even find out until the Wednesday before the game. Peterman threw five interceptions in the first half at Los Angeles, and his career definitely is over—no NFL team will want to sign a quarterback who threw five picks in his first 14 attempts.

Taylor is not a franchise quarterback, but most NFL teams lack a quarterback of such caliber. He was the starter of a team with a winning record, sent to the bench for a rookie who, very obviously, was far from ready. Seeing how horrific the Bills were without #5 behind center in the Jones and Peterman games suggests Taylor actually is quite a good quarterback, and if after the season he is freed of the Buffalo ownership’s negative energy field, he will shine for some other club. As for benching him in the first half at Los Angeles, other than ensuring the Bills keep their league-longest postseason drought, what, exactly, was the point of this weird, panicky move?

The Football Gods Scratched Their Heads. Scoring to take a 7-0 lead at Cleveland, the Jaguars took this column’s advice and used a surprise onside kick, which they recovered. (The down was nullified by a penalty.) Why pull the surprise onside out of the playbook against the league’s sole winless team? Now future Jax opponents have been warned.

Obscure College Score. Clemson 61, The Citadel 3. Okay, one of these schools is pretty well-known. But look at the cupcakes in a row for top teams this weekend: Clemson bravely hosts The Citadel, a lower-division school whose home field has a 21,000-seat capacity and which has lost this season to Furman, Samford, and Wofford. Alabama girded its loins to host Mercer, which also has lost this season to Furman and Wofford. Auburn fearlessly hosted Louisiana Monroe, which lost to Idaho, though did squeak by 2-8 Texas State. Florida State, which expected to be high in the polls at this juncture, fearlessly faced lower-division Delaware State, which plays at a 7,200-seat field that would be considered way too small for Texas high school football, and came into Tallahassee having lost to Hampton and Norfolk State.

Three cheers for Citadel for kicking a field goal from the Clemson 13 just before the clock expired, so the defending national champions couldn’t boast about a home shutout. Three cheers for Delaware State, which went for it on 4th-and-goal from the Seminoles 1 and scored a touchdown, denying the hosts a shutout (Florida State won 77-6).

Located in Charleston, South Carolina, The Citadel has a large ROTC program and calls itself “The Military College of South Carolina,” though it is not a service academy and most of its graduates do not join the military. School rules state, “Faculty members who are given probationary (tenure-track) appointments will receive commissions in the Unorganized Militia of South Carolina and will be required to wear the military uniform.”

Division II Playoffs Commence. Assumption defeated TMQ favorite California of Pennsylvania 40-31 despite recording just 270 yards of offense: five interceptions by California of Pennsylvania will do that. Being Vulcans, the California of Pennsylvania players showed no emotion in defeat. This game eliminated the chance that Indiana of Pennsylvania, which drew a bye, would meet California of Pennsylvania in the Division II quarterfinals.

Division III Playoffs Commence. The final of Brockport 66, Plymouth State 0 is remarkable because Plymouth State entered the contest 9-1. So too the final of Wisconsin-Oshkosh 63, Lakeland University 0, since Lakeland entered the contest 8-2. Brockport’s formal name is The College at Brockport. The entire Division III bracket is but a fraction of the size of the Texas high school brackets now in progress.

The 500 Club. Hosting Kansas State, Oklahoma State gained 510 yards and lost to a 20-point underdog.

The Football Gods Chortled. Pro scouts packed the crowd as USC hosted UCLA. Quarterbacks Josh Rosen and Sam Darnold might go one-two in the next draft; at the least, both will be chosen high if they come out. Arizona, Buffalo, Denver, Indianapolis, Jersey/A, Jersey/B, LA/B, Santa Clara, and Washington number among the franchises that might seek signal callers in the first round come spring. Then there’s Cleveland. The realization that somebody has to go to the Browns must be chilling to this year’s collegiate stars. Though Cleveland studiously avoided Jared Goff, Carson Wentz, Deshaun Watson, and Patrick Mahomes in the last two selection meetings, and may find a way to avoid this year’s quarterback crop, too.

Next Week. Can’t be long until Donald Trump complains of a “war on Christmas.” In every year since this phrase was dreamed up, the war on Christmas has ended with unconditional surrender of the attacking forces.