John Roderick, the self-titled “Bean Dad” who is also a musician, shared a lengthy story last weekend on Twitter about how he refused to help his daughter use a can opener to pry open a can of beans. According to him, it took his daughter six hours. Between bouts of exhaustion, hunger, and frustration, she prevailed. After he told his story, though, some folks were outraged — at least one person accused him of child abuse. Roderick deactivated his Twitter account and apologized in shame. Was Roderick an abusive, exhibitionist parent exploiting his daughter or somewhere in between?
A close read of the tweets shows Roderick’s 9-year-old-daughter asked him if he could open a can of beans because she was hungry. After he realizes she doesn’t know how to use the can opener, the two proceed down an apparently six-hour journey to learn the mechanics of a can opener and perseverance. In the end, she prevails and eats the beans (in addition, I hope, to something else).
Critics rose up to condemn Roderick’s parenting. Some said it’s better to teach children that it’s OK to ask for help when you need it. Others say he should have just fed his daughter and then showed her how to use the can opener.
The Bean Dad story is ridiculous. He should have just FED her, and THEN showed her how to use a damn can opener instead of leaving her hungry for six hours. That’s abusive.
She’s 9 years old, and some of us don’t learn very well when we’re hungry, regardless of age. Jeez.
— BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) January 3, 2021
I have a 9-year-old daughter myself who is smart as a whip and gets all A’s in school without blinking. She probably doesn’t know how to use a can opener either, among other mechanical devices. (In fact, my parents have a can opener, and I, a grown adult, have never been able to operate it without instruction.) Children, as it turns out, don’t know a lot of things throughout childhood, and it’s up to parents to decide if or how they will teach them the skills necessary to become independent people. I suspect Roderick’s story and the powerful reactions to it stemmed from two things: The debate over how best we should raise the next generation and if and how we talk about our children publicly online.
In terms of the former, there are different ways to raise children, and everybody has passionate opinions about these methods. There are helicopter parents who hover over their children, ensuring their every move is safe. There are snowplow parents who make sure there are no obstacles in their child’s way. There are also free-range parents, who take a more laid-back approach to letting their child discover and develop independence through trial, error, and success. These are just a few methods, and all parents probably weave in and out of these over time depending on the number of children they have, resources available, and emotional and physical energy on hand while child rearing.
Let’s say every bit of Roderick’s story is true, including the fact that he let his daughter wrestle with the can opener for six hours. (Most parents find this alone implausible. Have you even heard children whine when they’re hungry? That’s why God made man: To invent Chick-fil-A.) Roderick errs on the side of a “live and let live” parent. I’m not sure I’d let my 9-year-old struggle that long, but I will say this: This child will never struggle with a can opener again.
As for posting about children online, I think this is actually a more interesting debate than the one over the can opener. Social media is still relatively new. In fact, we’re the first generation to have access to smartphones, social media a few taps away, and raise children. How should we talk about them online? Should we talk about them at all?
When I first started reading Roderick’s story, it seemed humorous. He’s a witty storyteller. I’m a parent of four children. I’ve been there. You want to take advantage of teachable moments, but you also feel compelled to meet the child’s needs — sometimes these two things seem at odds, and the attempt to balance them is difficult. I myself am a bit of a more relaxed parent, and I do try to let my children figure things out themselves to the best extent possible.
However, as it went on, it was clear Roderick fancies himself somewhat of a comedian. He’s a bit hyperbolic, if not histrionic. I wonder if what really bothered people was the way he was talking about his obviously gifted but struggling daughter who was consistently the butt of the joke, unbeknownst to her. At the end, I found myself thinking, Hey buddy, why are you exploiting your child’s struggle for a laugh?
In essence, Roderick was mocking his daughter for not knowing something most children wouldn’t know. To make it worse, he decided to make a lengthy “teachable moment” out of it and what’s more, then decided to take 20 minutes and write it all down in the most melodramatic way possible for everyone on the internet to see. For what? His own publicity and benefit, not hers.
The way Roderick told the story, nobody was going to be applauding his daughter, even though she did eventually succeed. It was clear the point was to make people laugh and then applaud him both for being funny and for being a father who teaches his daughter to figure things out. Humor and independence are valuable traits, to be sure — but not at the expense of your child’s spirit.
Nicole Russell (@russell_nm) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is a journalist who previously worked in Republican politics in Minnesota.
