This morning, I heard a five-minute news roundup on the radio. It included these three stories: 1) Having already legalized the possession of marijuana, Washington, D.C., is now moving to legalize its sale, thus capturing untold gazillions in marijuana tax revenue, 2) Virginia is already enjoying boffo tax dollars from having legalized sports betting, and 3) the National Park Service will be barricading the Tidal Basin to keep anyone from coming to see the cherry blossoms this year.
It got me thinking about the many things that were once verboten but no longer are and the many things that were allowed but now are verboten. Ours is a topsy-turvy world. Much of what had been thought bad is now thought to be good and vice versa. The changes seem to come from everywhere and nowhere at once, and always without warning. One could be forgiven for being confused — that is, if the cancel crowd weren’t so opposed to the very idea of forgiveness. So it’s probably not a bad idea to catch up with this week’s new morality, if only for defensive purposes. Please find below a chart that I hope with help organize what might otherwise prove to be bewildering. In the left column are things that were considered bad back in the day. On the right are corresponding offenders and offenses rather more up to date. Or to put it more simply, on the left is that which Was Bad, and on the right is that which is Now Bad.
| Was Bad | Now Bad |
| Marijuana cigarettes | Cigarettes |
| Entering a bank while wearing a mask | Entering a bank without wearing a mask |
| Children’s books with four-letter words | Dr. Seuss |
| Bookies | Muppets |
| Tenements | Single-family housing |
| Hiding in one’s basement on a sunny spring day | Strolling outside, enjoying the cherry blossoms |
| Absinthe | Big gulps |
| Typhoid Mary | Andrew Cuomo |
| Loan sharking | Citibank Mastercard vig |
| Middle finger | “OK” hand sign |
| Rahm Emanuel’s temper | Andrew Cuomo’s temper |
| Linguini with bland clam sauce | Salt |
| Efficiency apartment | Master bedroom |
| Bill Clinton | Andrew Cuomo |
No doubt I will have to return to this chart, amending it as the inevitable, inexorable (incorrigible) alterations to right and wrong continue to be thrust upon us. The one consolation is the constancy of what will remain our North Star, the truth by which we reckon all other truths: Andrew Cuomo always goes in the second column.
Eric Felten is the James Beard Award-winning author of How’s Your Drink?
