One would think that the government of the District of Columbia, from the mayor’s office down to the Advisory Neighborhood Commission, had been established as an institution devoted to the riding of bicycles and the elimination of the automobile. My little corner of the world is a section of Washington, D.C., District 3 of Ward 3. It is governed by an earnest assemblage called the Advisory Neighborhood Commission, or ANC3D. Its members are as varied as a retiree from the federal bureaucracy and a college kid who probably isn’t of legal age to order a beer. Fail to attend a meeting, and chances are your absence will be interpreted as an endorsement of plans to turn your backyard into a clover-leaf intersection for high-speed commuter bicycle traffic. That or a pickleball court.
It’s not just bikes, though. In a neighborhood such as mine, in a city such as mine, the political and civic ideas of my neighbors and rulers verge toward absurdism. Most of the time, the advisory neighborhood commissions can be found earnestly backing policies that various narrow interest groups find all the rage and that everyone else wishes would just go away.
Consider the latest absurdist gesture from my government. When I wasn’t paying attention, my commission decided I should sit in darkness the other Saturday night. The ANC3D had found time to pass a resolution in favor of the “Lights-Out Hour,” an annual international gesture in solidarity with the environment. From 8:30 to 9:30 p.m., we were urged to turn off “nonessential” lights.
For those concerned about pedestrians being run over, we were assured that the gesture did NOT involve streetlights. One can assume that was especially the case for streets used by bicyclists. For those concerned that some ne’er-do-wells might lurk in the darkness with intent to loiter, we were also assured by the neighborhood commission that the blackout did NOT involve alleyway lights.
Participation was voluntary, of course, which could be taken as a small triumph for freedom of conscience. But these things have a way of being voluntary at first, and the next thing you know, you can’t buy a gas range anymore.
One could also argue that being optional was essential to the endeavor. It meant some people would have darkened houses and some would not — in other words, a perfect opportunity for some virtue-signaling. The “Earth Hour” folks are certainly keeping track of who is putting in dark hours, which they describe as “a symbolic event to show our collective support for the planet.”
The United States is fourth on the board tallying collective hours people have spent without light; Mexico is third and Brazil second. For some reason, first place is merely listed as “others.” If I had to guess who was included in the others, I would say the prize would have to go to North Korea. (The Democratic People’s Republic, which can always be counted on to have the darkest of skies, is a country that probably does pretty well with bike lanes, too.)
Meanwhile, the city government has made a priority of the new racket sport pickleball, a fad or possibly a durable trend. Mayor Muriel Bowser has proposed, as part of the city’s annual budget, to spend $750,000 on new pickleball courts. Where, you may ask, will the money come from? No one goes into the office anymore, which has severely cut into the cash collected in taxes on the city’s downtown office buildings.
Bowser has a solution. The city currently only has about 140 cameras for catching those who speed or run red lights. Just imagine the lovely revenues if there were 340 more of the things. What a financial pleasure for the district! What an extraordinary disincentive to drive into the city! And with fewer cars on the roads, just imagine the space created for bike lanes. Just be sure that the speed cameras turn off their flash bulbs during the annual Earth Hour.
Eric Felten is the James Beard Award-winning author of How’s Your Drink?
