Finding service members and veterans to interview for this column can be a challenge. But I’ve learned to be more observant. Military stories are all around us, and everyone who’s served has many tales to tell.
Since it’s December, I’d hoped to tell some holiday stories, but the day before I had to turn this column in, I had none. Then, in Bible study group after church, I came upon a Christmas miracle: I discovered that my fellow church member Mike Shannon had retired from the Air Force as a lieutenant colonel. When I asked if he had any military Christmas stories, he and his wife, Jacki-joan, laughed. It wasn’t long before I was laughing too.
Mike was once assigned to the 5th Bomb Wing of the 23rd Bomb Squadron, operating B-52s. In 1975, when Mike was a first lieutenant, everyone was excited about the annual squadron Christmas party. One of the captains in the squadron dressed up as Santa Claus and went out to greet the children under the assumption that they would line up and calmly approach Santa one at a time. Instead, Mike said, “they all decided they wanted to sit on his lap at once.”
About 100 children mobbed the poor Santa/captain, running and slamming into him at knee level. They almost knocked him off his feet. Jacki-joan described it as “organized mayhem.” She and another Air Force wife decided Santa needed more security at the next Christmas party. So in 1976, the two women made the cheeriest magical green elf costumes imaginable , which looked very similar to Will Ferrell’s in Elf but with pointy collars like Kermit the Frog’s and jingle bells on the collar points and on matching points at the base of the skirt.
Mike struggled to put on the outfit’s pantyhose, and then, in the dress rehearsal at home, bent over to pick something up. Jacki-joan suddenly realized she had to teach him the correct way to bend down when wearing a short skirt. When Christmas came around, Mike and another first lieutenant, Joe Poe, donned the embarrassing outfits and jingled to the squadron party.
“How did you feel?” I asked.
“Rather conspicuous,” Mike said. Then he laughed. “You could hear me coming, that’s for sure! Joe Poe and I had a few spirits to get us in the spirit. I certainly had a drink after!”
The two lieutenants dressed in silly elf costumes provided the opening act for Santa. They sang Frosty the Snowman and, of course, Jingle Bells. These were probably not the dignified officer activities they had imagined they were signing up for. When Santa Claus came out, the two elves worked crowd control. Santa did not suffer a mob of kids tearing his beard and hat away that year. For the next four years, Mike and Joe suited up in the ridiculous elf outfits and served as Santa’s bodyguards at the squad Christmas party.
Jacki-joan pulled up an old photo of 1st Lt. Mike “The Elf” Shannon, and I burst out laughing. “That’s just the kind of thing the military dumps on young lieutenants,” I said. Mike protested with mock outrage. “It wasn’t the squadron who dumped elf duty on me! It was my own wife!”
After being reassigned, Mike retired the elf uniform from official duty. It still hangs in his closet, although he pointed out, with some relief, that it no longer fit.
I laughed again. “They should have given you a medal for dressing up as an elf all those years.”
Mike shrugged. “Santa that first year should have earned a Purple Heart.”
Trent Reedy served as a combat engineer in the Iowa National Guard from 1999 to 2005, including a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
