All service members, no matter their military job or duty station, must eventually face three curses so universal that I’d be shocked to find a single one who has not encountered them.
The first curse is Almost Served Guy. Many who never served in the military love talking about how they very nearly signed up. Of course, there are many legitimate reasons why a person might not serve. One friend of mine wept because his asthma prevented his enlistment. But while my asthmatic friend’s situation was a heartbreaking tragedy, a true Almost Served Guy is just a tragic joke.
Almost Served Guy’s excuses are usually attempts at self-aggrandizement. He nearly enlisted, but he’s so tough, he worried he’d punch the angry drill sergeants. The Marines wouldn’t let him sign up as an underwater sniper recon space paratrooper. An Almost Served Guy once tried to impress one of my friends, a major who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan, by explaining he canceled his enlistment after receiving a football scholarship to a major university. “You could tell he’d never been in shape,” she said. “I just said, ‘Oh, cool.’ I don’t know why anyone would think I’d be impressed by that.”
The second curse is Mr. Thank You. Don’t get me wrong. No good American wants to go back to a 1970s-style situation with leftists spitting on returning soldiers. Soldiers appreciate gratitude. But Mr. Thank You takes it too far, saying things like, “I would have no freedom if you hadn’t served.” The U.S. military is crucial to preserving liberty, but Mr. Thank You talks as though that one service member personally secured his freedom to vote, take out a mortgage, or eat a hot dog. His gushing gratitude often just comes across as self-loathing. I encountered a Mr. Thank You once when out drinking with my best Army buddies. “Thank you so much for my freedom,” he said. “I didn’t have the courage or strength to enlist. I wasn’t as good as you.” It was super uncomfortable.
“I appreciate that.” I finally had to interrupt him. “But unless this is going to end in you buying me a beer, I’d like to return to my conversation with my friends.”
The final curse is the Liar. The worst of the Liars violate the Stolen Valor Act of 2013, which makes it illegal to lie about one’s service to claim jobs, money, or other benefits. Otherwise, it’s perfectly legal to lie about military service, and somehow, service members often get stuck listening to these stories. The Liar’s tales are usually ridiculous but harmless, as when a co-worker claims to have been an Air Force pilot shot down by the Soviets over the Bering Strait or when your barista explains he was this close to catching Osama bin Laden while on a secret mission in Argentina.
But once in a while, the Liar does something worse. Sgt. Lisbon served in my company as we trained for Afghanistan. He was a highly respected infantryman who’d passed through the difficult Army Ranger School and was qualified for explosives ordnance disposal, or EOD. Rangers are top-notch fighters, and EOD soldiers are explosives experts tasked with safely destroying unexploded bombs, a precise, technical job.
“You guys are combat engineers?” Lisbon sneered at my fellow engineer and me. “I need to see what you know before I let you handle explosives.”
The problem was that Lisbon never had Ranger or EOD training. In an infantry company, he might’ve been able to fake being a Ranger, but when working with explosives, especially on the EOD level, one must know what one’s doing. Had Lisbon attempted, with no training, to work with C4 plastic explosives or IEDs, he probably would’ve killed us. Fortunately, his lies were discovered, and he was busted in rank and stripped of authority.
The three curses — Almost Served Guy, Mr. Thank You, and the Liar — are real. Sooner or later, every service member encounters them.
*Some names and call signs in this story may have been changed due to operational security or privacy concerns.
Trent Reedy served as a combat engineer in the Iowa National Guard from 1999 to 2005, including a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
