In Batman v. Superman, the Caped Crusader and the Man of Steel try to kill each other. In the sequel, they should team up and kill the people who made Batman v. Superman. Its filmmakers and the executives who hired them run the gamut from the unspeakably cynical to the astoundingly pretentious without ever bothering to take a pit stop at talent.
They have violated the basic social contract by conspiring to drain the coffers of unsuspecting teenagers by telling said victims that they are going to see a movie rather than a promotional product reel for future promotional product reels. Vigilantism may be required.
Here’s what happens in Batman v. Superman. Batman becomes concerned that Superman is a vigilante, which is a little like the guy from Death Wish being concerned that Mother Teresa was inefficient at washing the feet of the poor. Superman is concerned that Batman is a vigilante, even though he has super-hearing and should be able to tell from listening-in that Batman is a good guy. But he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he? We’re not told why he doesn’t.
The plot—I call it a plot just to be nice, because it isn’t really a plot, it’s more like stereo assembly directions—kicks in when Superman saves his girlfriend Lois Lane from some terrorists in Africa and, because of that, a whole village is wiped out. Why? We aren’t told why.
But there are congressional hearings to talk about reining in Superman. During these hearings, the Capitol is blown up. Classic Superman villain Lex Luthor is the one who blows up the Capitol. Why? We aren’t told why. Nobody in the world actually seems to care very much that the Capitol was blown up. Why not? We’re not told why not.
Lex Luthor knows that Superman is Clark Kent and Batman is Bruce Wayne. How? We aren’t told how. He also knows that a giant piece of kryptonite is in the South Seas. How? We aren’t told how. Bruce Wayne knows this, too. How? We aren’t told how. He just doesn’t know that Lex Luthor is the guy who found it. Why not? We’re not told why not.
Also, Wonder Woman is around. She’s been missing from the world stage since the end of the First World War, except that recently she used an ATM machine in France. Why is Wonder Woman using an ATM machine? We aren’t told why. And why, all of a sudden, is she in Gotham City? We don’t know why. And since when is Gotham City across the bay from Metropolis? We don’t know since when. Lex Luthor is aware of her existence as well as the existence of a bunch of other “meta-humans” because he has footage of them on his laptop. How? We don’t know how.
Lex Luthor manipulates Batman and Superman into fighting. Why? We don’t know why. He need not bother, since he has created a monster from the planet Krypton in a giant tennis bubble in the middle of Metropolis. But instead of housing tennis courts, it has a big spaceship in it. Why? Here I think we’re supposed to know why: It’s the same ship that crashed at the end of the last Superman movie, Man of Steel. Now, I saw Man of Steel and I don’t remember the ship crashing there. Why not? I can tell you why not: Because of the hundreds of millions of brain cells I once possessed that have committed suicide in despair over the horrible comic-book movies I’ve taken them to.
I’m not saying that Batman v. Superman is a bad movie, but when Ed Wood—the guy who made Plan 9 from Outer Space—saw it in Purgatory, he said, “Really, there should be standards.” Nor am I criticizing the performer who plays Batman; but after the movie was over, I crossed the street and went into a Lowe’s and did notice that all the pieces of wood there looked exactly like Ben Affleck.
It would be unfair to speak ill of the acting of Henry Cavill, who plays Superman, since nothing Cavill does in this movie could be described as “acting.” Breathing, maybe. Possessing abs, certainly. Wearing glasses when he’s Clark Kent, definitely. Amy Adams plays his girlfriend, Lois Lane. Now she’s an actress, because she redefines “talking to a brick wall” in this picture when she’s in scenes with Cavill—and she almost pulls it off.
And what of Jesse Eisenberg, who plays Lex Luthor? He acts. Oh, how he acts. He says two words and then he twitches; then he says another word and suppresses a giggle and narrows his eyes. He’s like Mark Zuckerberg crossed with the guy Daniel Day-Lewis played in My Left Foot beneath Meg Ryan’s Farrah Fawcett hairstyle from When Harry Met Sally. . . I won’t have what he’s having.
There are setups during Batman v. Superman for at least five more comic-book movies in the same vein. Someone. Please. Do. Something.
John Podhoretz, editor of Commentary, is The Weekly Standard‘s movie critic.
