We thought it couldn’t get worse than San Diego, but since the Democratic convention was probably the worst American history, THE WEEKLY STANDARD has decided to give out the same prizes we did in San Diego — the coveted Treacly Awards! (Hint: They’re dominated by Al Gore.)
For MOST GROTESQUE EXPLOITATION OF PERSONAL TRAGEDY TO SCORE RHETORICAL POINTS, the nominees are: The Democratic party, for its use of Christopher Reeve; Barbara Boxer, for using in a videotape the father of a boy who died from eating a tainted burger at Jack-in-the-Box; Kate Michelman, for talking about her abortion; and Al Gore, for the use of his sister’s death from cancer. And the winner is . . . It’s a four-way tie!
For BEST MACARENA RENDITION, the nominees are: Al Gore and Chris Skoczynski. And the winner is . . . Chris Skoczynski, the sign-language lady who taught the delegates daily how to do the world’s easiest and dumbest dance.
For BIGGEST LIE OF THE CONVENTION, the nominees are: Every delegate who claims to have been in Chicago in 1968 ” outside” the convention hall; and Al Gore, for that ridiculous story about Bill Clinton’s telling Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole, “As long as I occupy this office, you will never enact this plan. Because as long as I am president, I won’t let you.” And the winner is . . . Al Gore, who would fail a polygraph test.
For MOST COMPLETE TAUTOLOGY OFFERED FROM THE PODIUM, the winner by acclamation: Dianne Feinstein, for these words in praise of Bill Clinton: “He knows that the best way to prevent crime is to stop it from happening.”
For MOST LUDICROUS PRAISE OF BILL CLINTON, the winner is . . . Democratic national co-chairman Don Fowler, for, “He evokes as much emotional energy, as much unqualified support, as John Kennedy did.”
For MOST SELF-AGGRANDIZING BILL CLINTON QUOTE, the nominees are: Bill Clinton, for telling Time that Chelsea’s “a lot like me, in that she’s got a great sense of compassion and feeling for other people”; and Bill Clinton, for telling U.S. News, “I would agree that I’ve grown in office. It happened through the crucible of decision making and through the fights that we had to fight, through the victories as well as the defeats, and also, I think, through the human losses, which are very humbling, both our personal losses, Hillary’s and mine, and the losses the country sustained.” And the winner is . . . Bill Clinton in Time, because he can’t even talk about his daughter without puffing himself up.
For MOST MEAN-SPIRITED REMARK, the nominees are: Mario Cuomo, for, ” Republicans . . . are the real threat to our women. They are the real threat to our children. . . . They are the real threat to fairness. They are the real threat to equality”; and Al Gore, for saying Republicans “want to give health-insurance rip-off artists a license to change Medicare.” And the winner is . . . Mario Cuomo, who should talk.
