It was just a matter of time. After living in the spotlight for 22 years and inching toward another presidential bid, Hillary Clinton is finally the subject of a full-length novel.
But it’s not what her adoring fans or the campaign-in-waiting group Ready for Hillary will want to read. That’s because she gets the full conservative treatment in Snatching Hillary, A Satirical Novel, by pundits Dick Carlson and Bill Cowan.
The story line: Men impersonating Secret Service agents kidnap Clinton before the New Hampshire primary, hoping she loses. In captivity, she is whiny and mean to the men she believes are real agents. She wins the primary, buoyed by a huge sympathy vote, but eventually drops out of the race, not feeling it worth the trouble. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow steps in and wins the presidency.
In pulling from news stories and rumors about the former first lady, the authors leave no stone unturned. For example, in the book Clinton carries Beano tablets for gas and hubby Bill is with another woman when Hillary is kidnapped from a posh Georgetown fundraiser.
“Bill doesn’t want Hillary hurt; he wants her to come home safe and healthy, just not too quickly,” they write.
Cowan told the Washington Examiner that the goal was to write a book for “middle America” about the non-public Hillary, which he described as self-centered and dismissive of those not in her inner circle.
It doesn’t touch on the current issues swirling around Clinton, like Benghazi. “We left all of those things out because what we really wanted to do was paint a little bit more of a picture for the common reader about who Hillary is, what kind of person she is,” Cowan said.
His conclusion: “She’s a pretty despicable woman.”
REPUBLICANS TO SET ‘FIX IT’ AGENDA
House and Senate Republicans heading to Hershey, Pa., in January for a rare joint retreat already are developing an agenda that junks the old Obama-bashing one for a plan that insiders call “Fix It.”
“We need to show some maturity and get focused on what impacts the average guy,” said a top Republican lawmaker laying out the plan.
A key focus will be on creating jobs and eliminating taxes that sock the middle class, said one pollster helping to write the leadership’s agenda. Killing or restructuring Obamacare will take a backseat because internal GOP polls provided to the Examiner showed that 40 percent of those who voted in the midterm elections said the economy was the top issue. Healthcare was a distant second at 10 percent.
“Republicans need to be for things,” explained Rep. Erik Paulsen, Minnesota Republican.
THE DIRT ON THE GOP’S 2016 LINEUP
More than a year before Republicans pick their 2016 presidential nominee, a liberal super PAC, American Bridge, is readying the release of a “scouting report” on 20 potential GOP candidates.
Presented like a sports media guide, the advance copy provided to the Examiner is a researcher’s dream: a combination of biographical tidbits and dirt.
Former Clinton aide Paul Begala writes in the foreword that “sunshine truly is the best disinfectant.”
And much of American Bridge’s “2016 Scouting Report” reads like it needs a dose.
Take the entry on Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. In addition to its critical portrayal of the Tea Party favorite, the 194-page report takes a shot at his dad, Rafael, noting that he “has a history of inflammatory statements” such as suggesting that President Obama be sent “back to Kenya.”
American Bridge President Brad Woodhouse told us that the guide “serves as a reminder to those Republicans looking to get into the race that we are watching them and if they try to reinvent themselves to appeal to voters — well, let’s just say that dog won’t hunt.”
QUOTED
“One of the reasons I didn’t run for re-election is that I didn’t want to spend the 79th and 80th year of my life … out there raising money instead of doing my job.”
Sen. Carl Levin, first elected to the Senate from Michigan in 1978, on why he’s resigning at the age of 79.
Paul Bedard, the Washington Examiner’s “Washington Secrets” columnist, can be contacted at [email protected].
