According to an article in the New York Times on Monday, March 2, “a debate . . . has roiled Colorado’s growing yoga world.” (And don’t start thinking about what kind of planet the “yoga world” is.)
A Colorado state agency, the Division of Private Occupational Schools, wants to license and certify programs that train yoga instructors. Yoga studios where yoga instructors are trained—especially small, marginally profitable yoga studios—protest that the $1,750 certification fee, the required curriculum review, and other time-and-money-sponging bureaucratic bumf will put them out of business.
I don’t have a downward dog in this fight, but . . . Does big government liberal regulatory overreach really have no limit? Furthermore I detect the possibility of big government liberal crony capitalism polluting the pure Colorado air. Lorna Candler, director of Colorado’s Division of Private Occupational Schools, is herself a yoga instructor at, to quote the Times, “CorePower Yoga, a national chain with 22 locations in Colorado.” (Yoga has Walmarts? Maybe we’re living in the yoga world already.)
Predictably, the Times ends its article by quoting Candler’s pensées:
A lot of people said, “Look we’re teaching love and compassion, how do you regulate love and compassion?” . . . But there needs to be some kind of regulation in order to ensure there is some kind of order.
Consult White House statements on marriage rights and the Affordable Care Act to hear further arguments in favor of regulating love and compassion.
Colorado’s yoga world is messed up. I blame it on state bureaucrats failing to sufficiently utilize their legal right in Colorado to possess and use marijuana as a recreational drug. Then they’d give up on bringing yoga instruction some kind of order and instead order some kind of pizza.
However, all that said, as a professional writer I would be willing—for a reasonable fee—to compose the multiple-choice portion of the licensing exam to be given to prospective yoga instruction teachers.
I don’t happen to know a lot about the yoga business. But Lorna Candler seems to know a bit too much. She needs more “union of the individual self with the universal spirit” (definition 1 of yoga in Webster’s Third).
I think the state of Colorado will find my yoga test to be evenhanded and fair. It does not favor the chain store or corporate forms of yoga over small yoga enterprises. Nor does it discriminate on the basis of gender—no matter how much of a cute chick thing yoga is—or race, ethnicity, sexual identity, sexual preference (other than my own), religion—whether Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, Tantra, Wicca, or Modern Wellness—or how much test-takers have been utilizing their legal right in Colorado.
Yoga Instructor’s Yoga Instruction of Yoga Instructors for Instructing Yoga Official Colorado State Examination
Circle the phrase or sentence that correctly completes or answers the following statements or questions.
Yoga is . . .
A. A physical, mental, and spiritual practice or discipline.
B. The plural of yogurt in the original Turkish.
C. “Street” slang for “Do you have?” as in “Yoga the Benjamins?”
D. A way to meet cute chicks.
A yogi is . . .
A. An individual who practices yoga.
B. Smarter than the average bear.
C. Catcher, manager, and coach for the New York Yankees.
D. Like Yogi always says, “There are some people, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.”
What is the difference between
Hatha yoga and Vinyasa yoga?
A. The spelling.
B. In one you contort yourself until you’re standing on your Hatha, in the other one you stick your head up your Vinyasa.
C. Hatha is slow-paced and gentle, ideal for beginners, while Vinyasa is more vigorous with greater concentration on breath control.
D. Depends on whether you like cute chicks with major Hatha or cute chicks with Vinyasa that’s the bomb.
What is “hot yoga”?
A. See-through Lululemon yoga pants.
B. Cute chicks.
C. Yoga exercises performed under hot and humid conditions.
D. Yoga exercises performed under hot and humid conditions? Are you nuts?
Yoga is more than merely a form
of exercise because . . .
A. It has a meditative, spiritual core.
B. Eating yogurt is not a good way to get exercise.
C. If you’re going to get down on the floor in strange positions, Twister is actually a better workout.
D. It’s a way to meet cute chicks.
Who is Swami Kuvalayananda?
A. Undocumented alien prevented from applying for a work permit by a federal judge staying President Obama’s executive action on immigration.
B. Runs the convenience store on The Simpsons.
C. Guy who wrote “Way Down Upon the Swami River.”
D. He helped popularize yoga in America by founding the Kaivalyadhama Health and Yoga Research Center in 1924.
Where are your chakras?
A. I left them in the car.
B. I ordered those once at Taco Bell. They’re gross.
C. Atop my chakrabsorbers.
D. In my Sahasrara, Vishuddha, Ajna, Anahata, Manipura, Savadhishthana, and Muladhara. Especially in my Savadhishthana, if you know what I mean.
Choose the correct description for each
of the -following yoga poses.
“Half Moon”
A. Plumber’s crack.
B. Butt out car window with underpants left on.
C. White Lightning and Moun-tain Dew.
D. Standing asana (Uttihista Sthiti).
“One-Legged King Pigeon”
A. Sthiti on head of a statue in the park.
B. Season is from Sept. 1 to Sept. 28. Daily bag limit, 15.
C. Confidence racket with disabled war vet as the mark.
D. Squatting backbend with hands touching extended foot (Purva Pratana Sthiti).
“Lord of the Dance”
A. Irish people in theaters who do a lot of stomping.
B. Guy who put vodka in the punch at the prom.
C. John Travolta.
D. One-legged standing backbend (Purva Pratana Sthiti).
“Full Boat”
A. Frantic bailing motion.
B. North African immigrants trying to reach Malta.
C. Three of a kind and a pair.
D. Abdominal asana (Udara Akunchana Sthiti).
“Frog”
A. Yoga pose that makes you croak!
B. Season is from April 1 to Oct. 31. No daily bag limit.
C. Okay in the Hatha and Vinyasa departments, but a face that only a mother could love.
D. Prone backbend (Purva Pratana Sthiti).
“Feathered Peacock Pose”
A. Get your Purva on!
B. Major Hatha and Vinyasa that’s the bomb.
C. Plumber’s crack.
D. Forearm balance (Paschima Pratana Sthiti).
Which of the following do you have
in your home or your Prius? (Circle
as many as apply.)
A. Crystals.
B. Dream catchers.
C. More than 25 scented candles.
D. Hope and Change bumper sticker.
E. Kale.
F. Hope and Change bumper sticker pasted over Howard Dean bumper sticker.
G. Incense.
H. Batik.
I. More than 10 rescue cats.
J. Enya CDs.
K. Six-pack, handgun, and meat snacks.
For extra credit:
Are you or does your yoga studio attract many . . .
A. Cute chicks?
P. J. O’Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard.
