Sorry I’m a little late. The National Association of Police Chiefs was being given a tour of the White House just when I was showing Joe Biden my new backswing—HANDS UP. They must have fired 600 rounds. The Blue Room—we’re renaming it the “Swiss Cheese Room.” Good thing they all made lousy shots.
Speaking of golf . . . Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, and Ted Cruz are on the ninth hole and suddenly there’s a huge bolt of lightning. The next thing they know they’re standing at the Pearly Gates. And St. Peter says, “Okay, I’ve got your names right here in the book—John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy, and John Cornyn.”
“No, no,” says the foursome, “We’re Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, and Ted Cruz.”
“You are?” says St. Peter. “There must be some mistake. Let me go get God.”
So God comes to the Pearly Gates and says, “Welcome to Heaven, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy, and John Cornyn.”
“No, no,” says the foursome, “We’re Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, and Ted Cruz.”
“Gosh,” says God. “I must have thrown the lightning bolt at the wrong golf course. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you what, to make up for it, I’ll let you come back to life as anything you want.”
“Give us a moment to talk it over,” says the foursome.
Bush, Romney, Christie, and Cruz go into a huddle, and after a few minutes they tell God, “We’d like to come back to life as angry, left-wing feminists of color.”
“What!” says God. “You want to come back to life as angry, left-wing feminists of color? Why?”
“It’d give us a better chance against Hillary,” says the foursome. “And we can hit from the red tees.”
You know, a lot of folks think I hate dealing with a Republican Congress. And I do—otherwise I wouldn’t have asked the Reverend Al Sharpton to intervene with God like that.
But what does a lame-duck president with veto power, executive orders, and only an eight-vote opposition majority in the Senate do?
Anything he wants!
How many American citizens does it take to screw in an energy-efficient halogen light bulb?
None. We’ve got plenty of illegal immigrants to do that for us, thanks to my executive orders.
I also signed executive orders to lower the price of gasoline and make the economy grow by 4 percent.
And if you believe that, you must already be taking advantage of my new junior college plan. I’m going to make junior college free—and worth it.
When you get done going to junior college for nothing, and you still can’t get a job, you’ll love my new Robin Hood tax plan—take from the rich and give to the poor.
Some of you are saying, “Wait a minute, I’m not poor.” Well, don’t worry, you will be when I get done taxing you.
Anyway, in this White House we don’t call people “poor,” we call them “middle class.” Our policies are all about “middle-class economics.”
Some of the rest of you are saying, “Wait a minute, I’m not middle class, I’m poor.”
You’re welcome. Like I said, you’ll love my Robin Hood tax plan.
I’m also going to raise the minimum wage. That way instead of not being able to make a decent living with two jobs, you’ll be able to not make a decent living with just one.
And I’m going to make sure that women are paid the same as a man for doing the same work. I mean, unless it’s Chris Christie pole dancing or something.
Plus I’m going to institute paid sick leave for all workers. This is a bipartisan issue. If my presidency makes you sick, you can stay home and get paid.
Because America is back stronger than ever. Tonight we turn the page. Or, if I were you, change the channel. Storage Wars is playing on A&E.
Meanwhile, according to the teleprompter, I’m supposed to be talking about cybersecurity. Well, I was going to, but Malia and Sasha were having one of those teenage sulks—you folks know how that goes—so I didn’t have anybody to help me open the PDF from NSA, which wouldn’t download on Microsoft Word because . . . Is this tech stuff just something kids invented to drive everybody over 50 nuts, or what?
Anyway, I think we’re all supposed to change our passwords. I changed mine to [email protected]. Oops, did I just say something? I’d better not see any reference to it in the media. My administration is tough on you people who leak classified material.
Such as what NSA is up to. Which reminds me . . . Low-cost broadband Internet access to every American household—NSA tells me it’s got all of you covered on that.
On a serious note, we all, NSA included, need to work together to confront the threat of global terrorism. We must be willing to put aside partisan divides. For example, I’ve had productive talks with Bill Clinton. He pointed out that, under the sharia law imposed by ISIS, al Qaeda, and other Islamic extremists, men have four wives. President Clinton’s position is, “They’ve been punished enough.”
He favors a drone strike strategy dispersing American Express Black Cards to all the wives of every terrorist. It’ll kill ’em, when the bills arrive.
Did I mention I’ve outlawed torture? That is, if you don’t count listening to this speech as sleep deprivation. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, I can see you nodding off. Folks in this room are so drowsy that they’re sleeping on their feet when they’re giving me standing ovations.
And I’m addressing climate change too. Climate change is real. I know from personal experience. There’s been a change in the climate in the Senate and the House, and it’s making things hot for me.
Hey, time for those obligatory shout-outs to Michelle’s and my completely random special guests in the gallery! Beats me what this has to do with Article Two, Section Three of the Constitution, that the president “shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the State of the Union.” But, since the Republicans refuse to learn anything and the Democrats think they know everything, we might as well kill time.
We’ve got Alan P. Gross here—spent five years in a Cuban prison. Alan, you’ll be glad to know that my administration realizes what a great nation Cuba is, and we’re doing everything we can to show the Cuban government that we respect their executive, legislative, and judicial legitimacy.
We’ve got the chief executive of CVS, Larry J. Merlo. Larry banned cigarette sales at all CVS drugstores. That showed real courage, Larry. Especially since, at the White House, in the middle of the night, when I’m under a lot of pressure, the nearest place to buy a pack of smokes was the CVS on Connecticut Avenue. But Michelle is with you all the way. And, although your decision cost CVS a lot of money, Larry, you can make it up selling marijuana while my Justice Department turns a blind eye.
We’ve got a token white police officer, Captain Phillip C. Tingirides of the LAPD. Phil, your boss was so high and to the left in the Blue Room that I’m wondering . . . are you sure pot isn’t legal in California?
And we’ve got astronaut Scott Kelly, who’s about to go to the International Space Station for a year. I can think of a number of people I’d like to send with you, Scott. And, Scott, I’m sorry NASA couldn’t take you there. They had asteroids. But I’m sure Russia will get you home. Just the other day President Putin was telling me he had a lot of missiles pointed toward America.
Which reminds me of how much folks have in common, not just in America but around the world. How much humanity we all share.
An American and a Russian are talking about how much they hate their presidents.
The American says, “I hate President Obama so much that I pissed on his limousine.”
The Russian says, “I hate President Putin so much I crapped on his limousine.”
“Well, to tell the truth,” says the American, “President Obama wasn’t in his limousine when I pissed on it.”
“Well, to tell the truth,” says the Russian, “my pants weren’t down.”
God bless this country we love. And “Je suis Charlie.”
P. J. O’Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard.
