We are living in the age of the retread. From Beauty and the Beast to Baywatch, 2017 saw a Hollywood bereft of ideas and artistic courage rehashing—er, sorry, “rebooting”—long-since retired films and franchises.
Of course, when you think about it, New Year’s is the ultimate reboot, right? So here are six reboots we can expect from the Dream Factory in 2018:
Casablanca
OK, so it might seem crazy to reboot one of the most beloved and oft-quoted movies of all time. But if pointless reboots of Total Recall and Ben Hur have already been done, why not go straight to the top? Here’s looking at beaucoup box office bucks, kid.
The Apprentice
The Arnold Schwarzenegger version of The Apprentice bombed, so it’s time to bring back the man who put the show on the map in the first place: Donald J. Trump. You might object that the president of the United States is too busy to star in a reality television show, but perhaps he can take time out of his famously demanding TV-watching schedule to do a little filming. No need to go to New York—NBC can just set up cameras in the Situation Room. Robert Mueller: You’re fired!
Reefer Madness
With Jeff Sessions’ Department of Justice furiously hostile to marijuana legalization, it’s high time the DoJ commission a reboot of this classic, to be shown in schools nationwide. Alternatively, to illustrate the dangers of drug use, perhaps the DoJ could simply commission a reality show following around Joaquin Phoenix.
The Usual Suspects/American Beauty/Glengarry Glen Ross
These wouldn’t need to be wholesale reboots. Rather, all of the scenes featuring Kevin Spacey would be reshot with Christopher Plummer in his role.
Saving Private Ryan
We’ve had Ghostbusters rebooted with an all-female cast, and a lady-centric Oceans 8 is coming out soon. Naturally, it’s time for an all-female version of some headier, more serious material. How about Steven Spielberg’s modern classic about a group of soldiers in World War II looking for a lost fellow soldier—only this time, starring Kristen Wiig, Amy Schumer, and other female stars? Oh sure, it would make no historical sense as no women served in combat in World War II. But at least it would pass the Bechdel Test!
