Socialism at the liquor store

I heard last week from an intrepid subscriber to the Washington Examiner who had read my May 10 column about how I like my martini but who had been flummoxed in his effort to recreate the cocktail I had described. The problem, as is so often the case in the affairs of men, was socialism.

For those who may have missed my martini column, I specified three ingredients, none particularly exotic: gin that tastes like gin (I recommended Boodles), dry vermouth (I vouched for Dolin), and orange bitters (I wasn’t particular about the brand).

Our friend, the reader, had a copy of the magazine with him as he vacationed in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, back in the beginning of the summer. As 5 o’clock approached on his first day there, he ventured to a local liquor store in search of Martini fixings. No luck: no Boodles, no Dolin, no orange bitters. His wife hopped in her car and went to another liquor store, only to find the same absence of desirable choices. Why?

It would be easy to shrug off Wilkesboro’s limited selection of good liquor as an unfortunate but inescapable manifestation of small-town life. But that would be wrong. Over the years, I have found that readers annoyed they can’t find the products I have praised tend to live in what are called “control states.” North Carolina is one, as are Pennsylvania and Virginia. In control states, the state maintains a monopoly on the package liquor trade. If you want to buy booze by the bottle in these states, you have but one choice: a state-run “ABC” store, as they are usually called.

Washington, D.C., by contrast, is — and it shocks me to say this — a paradigm of enlightened limits on regulation and the magic of the market.

Control states not only have a lock on retail but run the business of wholesale distribution, too. The larger distributors who sell to the ABC stores have little incentive to supply them with low-volume specialty items. Liquor stores in D.C., on the other hand, can access any product they want. “If a spirit isn’t represented by a licensed wholesaler, we can purchase anything from outside [the distribution system],” says Joe Riley of the district’s excellent Ace Beverage.

As a result, small-scale spirits producers can sell directly to retailers in D.C. They don’t have to get independent distribution until they are selling enough for that step to make sense. This means Washington has a wealth of liquor stores stocking rarities — some odd, some wonderful — that you might be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. The best shops in Washington compete fiercely to offer not only the standard stuff (and Boodles and Dolin are by no means off the beaten path) but to outdo one another with rarified selections.

All of which is to say that should you in the future have trouble finding what you need for a cocktail I have described, just be sure to visit Washington.

Just as I never know what spirits I’m going to find at my favorite liquor stores, I never know what curiosities I’ll come across in my research for this column. While looking up the rules governing Virginia’s ABC stores, I stumbled onto the rules for acceptable dress and behavior in Virginia bars. I shook my head imagining the discomfort of regulators as they drafted prohibitions on such things as “the real or simulated display of any portion of the [redacted], [redacted], or [redacted] by an entertainer, or any portion of the [redacted] of a female entertainer.” Among the many lewd behaviors proscribed by the liquor law are any “real or simulated act of [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [or] flagellation.” Who knew flogging as entertainment was such a problem in Virginia night spots?

It’s not all sordid, however. The section ends with a heartfelt affirmation of culture, exempting from all such restrictions “establishments that are primarily devoted to the arts or theatrical performances, when the performances that are presented are expressing matters of serious literary, artistic, scientific, or political value.”

In other words, if you want to have a mixed drink in Virginia while watching performers with exposed [redacted] engaged in [redacted], just make sure they’re doing Shakespeare.

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