Barack Obama’s elitism runs even deeper than previously thought. Not only does the man from Hawaii, Morningside Heights, Cambridge, and Hyde Park look down on the grubby rubes in Altoona who go hunting after church. Not only does he bowl like a (10-year-old) girl. But it turns out that even his choice in beverages is an exercise in namby-pamby privilege. Recently it was revealed that on the campaign trail, Obama’s drink of choice is Honest Tea.
Yet in the matter of designer beverages, I come not to bury Obama, but to praise him. Honest Tea is a delightful concoction, and his embrace of it is a mark of high character. Based in Bethesda, Maryland, Honest Tea is a bobo Horatio Alger story: The company’s founder, Seth Goldman, started the business by brewing five thermoses of tea in 1998. He took them to Fresh Fields, the forerunner of Whole Foods, where a buyer ordered 15,000 bottles.
I don’t mean to brag, but I adopted Honest Tea back in 2001 and have been enjoying it in contented solitude ever since. But the company has grown. Today Honest Tea produces all sorts of teas and juices. Senator Obama prefers the Black Forest Berry tea. Of course.
But my penchant for frou-frou beverages goes somewhat beyond simple gourmet organic small-batch independently brewed iced teas. In recent years I’ve gone to increasing lengths to find interesting and obscure soft drinks. I eschew the everyday brands of bottled water and go straight for the $4 bottles of Voss–the artesian water from Norway notable for being (1) maliciously priced and (2) packaged in large, sleek, cylindrical glass jars. I was drinking Snapple in the late ’80s, before it had ubiquitous, annoying TV ads and scores of nonsensical flavors. In the early ’90s, I was part of the outré movement that embraced mass-designer cola products–Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Kona were two of my favorites. But when it comes to soda these days I’ve moved on to the brand Boylan’s, which substitutes cane sugar for high-fructose corn syrup. You can only get them at high-end grocers, such as Balducci’s, and they run $1.50 a pop, so to speak. When I’m feeling really selective, I’ll reach past the Boylan’s in my refrigerator for a Cricket Cola–which is made with both cane sugar and green tea. Try finding one of those in Altoona.
The problem is that all good soft drinks eventually come to an end. There is precious little stability in the market because a drink either catches on and becomes an object of mass consumption or fails to find an audience and dies out. From the perspective of the beverage snob, it’s hard to say which is more tragic.
And, while I hesitate to break the news to Senator Obama–he has enough to worry about, what with saving our country, restoring hope, and altering the fabric of American political life–I worry that trouble is brewing even for our beloved Honest Tea. One of their classic flavors is Lori’s Lemon, a delicate blend of black tea, lemon, and a hint of cane sugar. It was just sweet enough to entice people like the senator and me. And just bitter enough to offend lesser palates. Consequently, it was my favorite.
But on a recent trip to the grocery store, I was met with a sign announcing that Lori’s Lemon had been discontinued. It was being replaced, it seemed, by a flavor called Organic Lemon Black Tea–which is like Lori’s Lemon, only sweeter and less bitter. In other words, more appealing to vulgar tastes. I was concerned that the people at Honest Tea were selling out–trying to broaden their market. Unlike Lori’s Lemon, the new flavor might become a mass sensation, tippled in ballparks and office buildings across America.
As a hedge against that unhappy possibility, I bought every remaining bottle of Lori’s Lemon on the shelf. As you might imagine, I was quite pleased with myself–a familiar sensation for people like Barack and me–because I now had the ultimate drink: an extinct designer iced tea.
Yet even this comfort grew cold after a few days, as I watched my supply of Lori’s Lemon, hidden in my office filing cabinet, dwindle. Once he’s President Obama, the commander in chief will be able to ensure the continued supply of Black Forest Berry. Lacking such clout, I called the people at Honest Tea headquarters, prepared to simply beg. Happily, they informed me that Lori’s Lemon remains in production, it’s just no longer available in plastic bottles. Which is fine by me. Glass is more exclusive.
In the course of conversation with Honest Tea’s Dale Crowell, I learned that Karl Rove is also a devotee. The bonds of beverage elitism, it seems, transcend even the widest political divides. Which is all well and good, so long as only the right people do the transcending.
–JONATHAN V. LAST
