Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffp. That’s the sound of the air rushing out of the Falcons’ balloon. Atlanta’s NFL team has not merely staged an epic fail. The Falcons are, in every way, the Epic Fails.
In the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, you could see it in the eyes of Atlanta players: the Yips. They were frightened, already hearing an offseason of mockery and derision. In Sunday night’s Super Bowl rematch, the Falcons were frightened from the opening kickoff, knowing that if they did not defeat the Patriots, they would never, ever hear the end of it. And they will never, ever hear the end of it.
The NFC defending champions have dropped three straight, including home losses to the Bills and Dolphins, neither exactly the 1995 Cowboys. Losing four of their last seven, the Epic Fails are fortunate to be at .500 in the new season, since only strokes of last-second luck prevented Atlanta from honking close games to Chicago and Detroit. Credit head coach Dan Quinn for trying: he had his charges go for it on fourth down at midfield twice at New England, converting once, hoping to change his fortunes. But Atlanta didn’t even get on the scoreboard till garbage time, with Flying Elvii fans already hoofing through the fog back to their cars. Atlanta has 10 games to play in the regular season, and might still recover to gain a postseason invitation. But for now Atlanta must deal with both of the most unhappy words in team sports: choke, and overrated. Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffp.
In other football news, “So the last will be first, and the first will be last,” the Bible says. That’s happening in NFL stats. The Rams, last in scoring in 2016, are first in scoring in 2017. The Patriots, first against points in 2016, have slipped, not all the way to last but to a lower-tier 24th. What’s going on is the distinction between football, a 22-man game that involves fitting together many moving parts, and basketball, where a single new person can make all the difference.
In the case of LA/A, the big change was replacing head coach Jeff Fisher—31-45 with the Rams, and clearly just going through the motions—with the ambitious, up-tempo Sean McVay. In coaching, ambition is a big plus.
The LA/A offense made significant offseason personnel changes. One was acquiring quality blockers Andrew Whitworth and John Sullivan as affordable free agents. Another was offloading offensive tackle Greg Robinson, the second player chosen in the 2014 draft. Had Robinson been selected in the second round, he would have been viewed as a success with the Rams: Going second overall he was expected to become an instant Hall of Famer, and his struggles cast a pall. (Robinson is now playing pretty well for the Lions.)
LA/A brought in the flashy receiver Sammy Watkins, and more important, also brought in his former teammate Robert Woods. Woods is not flashy but is a very polished route-runner—he leads the Rams in both yards receiving and targets—who, unlike Watkins, doesn’t rush to the media room to complain after games. And Woods is a terrific downfield blocker, blocking by wide receivers being a football factor not reflected in the fantasy-stats world. Since 2016, the Rams have improved from 31st to third in rushing yards. Todd Gurley gets the attention; Woods knocking down defensive backs is a reason Gurley’s production is way up from 2016.
Over in New England, the Patriots defense had offseason personnel turmoil that only now appears to be sorting itself out. Logan Ryan became a free agent and took the big bonus check at Tennessee. Rob Ninkovich, a tremendous linebacker and classic Belichick guy—he was waived by three NFL teams before his phone rang from New England—retired. Shea McClellin got hurt. Belichick traded for (he didn’t give much) and then waived Kony Ealy, disrupting the planned front seven rotation.
Then there was the Malcolm Butler/Stephon Gilmore mess. Entering his fourth season, Butler, a star, expected a big raise. Then he expected to be traded to New Orleans, where he would be offered a big raise. Ultimately he had no choice but to sign a $4 million one-year offer, since fourth-year NFL players have scant bargaining leverage. Four million is a lot by median household standards but far below Butler’s market value in the NFL.
As this was happening, Belichick, who is the Pats’ de facto general manager, lavished a ginormous payday on free agent cornerback Stephon Gilmore, who plays the same position as Butler. What Belichick was thinking was unclear. Butler has won two Super Bowl rings in just three seasons; Gilmore has never appeared in a postseason contest. Butler is reliable and fearless; Gilmore takes downs off and shies from contact. Butler was undrafted, Gilmore a high first-round selection; normally Belichick favors the undrafted over flash.
All these Patriots defensive changes seemed to shake themselves out against the Falcons, with the Flying Elvii posting their first good performance of the year versus points—and, take note, Gilmore did not play. Who is a better bet to bounce back to 2016 form: the Patriots’ defense or the Falcons’ offense? You know where TMQ’s chips will be placed.
Wide receiver Robert Woods (in blue) has been a productive pickup for the L.A. Rams, but some of his best contributions to the team haven’t shown up in box scores. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
Stats of the Week #1. Since Atlanta achieved a seemingly insurmountable lead in the second half of the Super Bowl, the Patriots have outscored the Falcons 54-7.
Stats of the Week #2. The Packers will have more regular season games this season without either Aaron Rodgers or Brett Favre at quarterback than in the last 25 seasons combined.
Stats of the Week #3. The Dolphins’ final four possessions last week in a comeback versus Atlanta: touchdown, touchdown, field goal, field goal. The Dolphins’ final four possessions this week in a comeback versus Jersey/B: touchdown, touchdown, punt, field goal.
Stats of the Week #4. The Buccaneers at Bills contest included a total of four players from Middlebury, Hobart, and Harvard. Steven Hauschka, the Middlebury guy, has hit 12 consecutive field goal attempts of at least 50 yards.
Stats of the Week #5. Denver has quietly been outscored 44-10 in its last two games.
Stats of the Week #6. The Broncos and Chiefs will enter their Halloween eve contest next Monday on a combined 0-4 streak.
Stats of the Week #7. The NFL has staged 20 contests in London, and not a one has pitted two teams that both had winning records at kickoff. The combined score of this season’s London games: Victors 97, Vanquished 7.
Stats of the Week #8. Jacksonville won in weeks 1, 3, 5, and 7, and lost in weeks 2, 4, and 6. Up next is an even-numbered week.
Stats of the Week #9. In the final 23 seconds of Chiefs at Raiders, there were three touchdowns scored, two touchdowns overturned, three major penalties, and two untimed goal-to-go downs after the clock expired.
Stats of the Week #10. Washington has lost five straight on Monday Night Football; stretching back to 2016, Philadelphia has followed a 1-7 run with an 8-1 run.
Sweet Comeback Play of the Week. Jersey/B led 28-14 at home at the start of the fourth quarter, and had possession. TMQ’s Law of Comebacks holds: Defense starts comebacks, offense stops them. The Miami defense forced the Jets into a three-and-out that concluded with 4th-and-16. Now the lead is 28-21, the Jets get the ball back, and the Miami defense forces another three-and-out that concludes with fourth-and-20.
The game tied at 28, Jersey/B takes possession on its 15 with 47 seconds showing. The Jets hold three time outs, so a winning field goal is not impossible; passively kneeling and going to overtime is a fraidy-cat strategy. In a situation like this, Tom Brady or Drew Brees would pass deep over the middle, then call time, or pass tight against the sideline, where interceptions are hardest. Miami rushes three, showing a soft-shell zone; Josh McCown throws across his body directly into the hands of a Marine Mammals defender, and soon the Dolphins’ cheerleaders are dancing. The interception was Miami’s sweetest play. Really, throw across your body deep in your own territory with less than a minute in a tie game?
Sour Play of the Week. Super Bowl rematch scoreless in the second quarter, Atlanta intercepts Tom Brady—maybe this will be the game when the Epic Fails return to being the Falcons! A flag flutters. Atlanta defensive lineman Adrian Clayborn is called for roughing the passer for a hit that was doubly stupid: late, and helmet-to-helmet. Interception nullified, New England scores a touchdown on the possession, and never looks back.
Sweet ‘n’ Sour Plays of the Week. The Bears are only 3-4, but churning out sweet plays. Last week, 5’6” tailback Tarik Cohen lofted a touchdown pass. This week he lined up as a wide receiver and ran a “go” route for a 70-yard reception that positioned Chicago for a field goal. With the Bears leading Carolina 7-0, the Cats faced 3rd-and-10 on the Chicago 33. The Bears fielded just one lineman, three linebackers, and seven defensive backs—a skinny front that concedes the run. (TMQ calls this the American Ballet Theatre defense.) Rather than audible to a draw, Cam Newton heave-hoed an interception returned 76 yards by safety Eddie Jackson for a touchdown, another sweet Bears play, with a sour read by Newton, who’s deep into his second consecutive season of pouting.
During Jackson’s runback, Panthers center Matt Khalil had him leveraged at the sideline—then simply pulled up and did nothing, watching as Jackson continued for a pick-six. That’s a Sour Warhead.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk. The Bengals arrived alongside the Ohio River on a 1-7 stretch versus Pittsburgh. Trailing 20-14 in the third quarter, Cincinnati faced 4th-and-inches. The hyperconservative Marvin Lewis sent out the punter, and TMQ wrote the words “game over” in his notebook. Who cares if it was fourth-and-inches on the Cincinnati 26? Victories don’t come in the mail! It took Pittsburgh nine snaps to pass to the point where the ball would have been had Cincinnati gone for it and failed; a field goal on Pittsburgh’s possession made it a two-score margin, and the home team never looked back.
Once again, as Lewis sent in a kicker on 4th-and-inches—a down-and-distance where Brett Favre would demand the coach go for it—Andy Dalton passively trudged off the field. His hair may be fiery red but his playing style is beige.
TMQ Wants to Use Bitcoin to Buy a Tesla. Elon Musk is an accomplished entrepreneur, but it’s time the adulation yielded to warts-and-all assessment. His electric cars, and California and Nevada factories, receive extensive public subsidies. He wows a gullible press corps with unrealistic claims of going to Mars cheaply—an assessment is here—and last week got ink for a tentative step toward an ultrafast underground train from New York City to Washington, D.C. Musk’s “hyperloop” could happen someday, but would be vulnerable to tremors (there was an earthquake in Washington, D.C., in 2011) and, more to the point, would require tens of billions of dollars in capital before the first paying customer. On the upside, Musk’s tunnel-construction enterprise does have a great name.
Then there’s the Tesla Model 3. Once again it’s behind schedule. Building cars is not easy, but does seem like a more doable objective than colonizing Mars. Steam-age General Motors has now beaten Musk to market with the Chevy Bolt, an advanced electric car that, unlike the Tesla Model 3, you actually can put in your driveway. If Tesla achieves mass production of the Model 3, and the vehicle is reliable, that will be a milestone. But don’t pass out the cigars yet. On the upside, though you can’t actually get a Model 3, you can get the Model 3 newsletter.
TMQ likes that the Bolt claims a range of “238 miles”: not more than 200 miles, not about 250 miles, precisely 238 miles. Tesla claims a 220-mile range for the Model 3. Both numbers are EPA-derived, and reflect the modern taste for absurd assertions of precision. Of course one could say that “200,” a round number, claims as much specificity as numbers that aren’t round. There is something about our moment that makes us want to believe that the exact number of miles a car will travel on a charge—or any similar result—can be predicted with incredible precision. You know, the way the 2016 presidential election was predicted.
Consumer hint: Tesla has a fixed-price ordering system, but car salespeople will always throw something in. Ask for tradable carbon credits.
So we’re certain the range on this thing is “238 miles”? Are we sure it isn’t 238.1? .2? Come now—be precise! (Photo credit: Grendelkhan)
What Logan Thomas Tells Us About Tim Tebow. Touts will note the Tyrod Taylor to Logan Thomas touchdown pass in Bucs at Bills involved one former Virginia Tech quarterback throwing to another. To TMQ, Thomas’s conversion from quarterback to tight end, which seems to be going smoothly, raises the question: Should Tim Tebow have become a tight end?
Logan Thomas was a star quarterback for the Hokies, then chosen in the fourth round of the 2014 draft, by Arizona, which saw him as the backup to Carson Palmer. This didn’t work out. Thomas bounced from club to club—the Cardinals, the Dolphins, the Giants, the Lions—looking for a quarterback role. A gifted athlete, he just didn’t have that extra gear that separates the many good collegiate quarterbacks from the few NFL franchise signal-callers.
What he did have was speed and a six-foot-six frame of the type that scouts call “high-cut,” like an NBA player – in pads, he’s a ringer for Travis Kelce, Antonio Gates, and other tall, fast star tight ends. My 2013 book The King of Sports, which has two chapters on Virginia Tech (saying that under Frank Beamer, the Hokies were the exemplar of the education-first, ethically grounded big-college football program so rare today) includes an interview with Thomas, in which he discussed why he did not want to shift from behind center to tight end: “Quarterbacks are paid more than tight ends in the pros and get hit in the head a lot less.” Both his points are impossible to argue with. But now that it’s clear Thomas will never be an NFL starting quarterback, he has done the next best thing and shifted to a position where he has a chance to thrive.
Terrelle Pyror—ESPN sent cameras to his high school on the day he committed to Ohio State—took several years to accept that he just didn’t have that franchise quarterback extra gear, and now is settling in at Washington as an NFL wide receiver. Why didn’t Tebow ever accept his quarterbacking limitations and switch positions? He could have been the NFL’s best-ever H-back. At age 30, maybe he still could be.
Justice League on display at the DC Booth for Comic-Con International 2017. Pictured here: the superhero Cyborg, portrayed by Ray Fisher. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
The Sequel Part Two Would Be a Great Movie Title. With the holidays approaching, it’s franchise-a-rama at the box office. Yet another big-budget Thor-Loki flick looms, along with assorted Avengers in cameos. Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman are about to return—Warner Brothers is barely trying to disguise that Clark Kent was only pretending to be dead. Justice League will set some kind of record by spawning sequel films about Aquaman, Cyborg, the Flash, and ultra-villain Darkseid. (Good news for Danny Elfman fans: He composed the Justice League soundtrack. Can he top his 1989 Batman title track?) All this builds up to episode eight in the Star Wars universe, just in time for Christmas.
Considering the expense, the sturm und drang involved in establishing a Hollywood franchise, why not just start with a sequel? TMQ is working on a treatment for Lethal Bimbo III, which would be the first, not third, film in the series.
Over on the telly, a series finale often is the highest-rated event of a season. So why bother filming dozens of episodes—just start with the finale! TMQ’s scripts division is working on the pilot for a series titled Series Finale, which would consist entirely of the series finales of shows that never actually got green-lit. Every episode of Series Finale would be nothing but knowing looks, sentimental references, and gauzy scenes of doors closing or lights being turned off. Imagine the ratings for the series finale of Series Finale!
Best 99 Yard Drive. Kansas City went 99 yards in three snaps for a touchdown at Oakland.
Sports Illustrated Kurse Kontinues. Just before opening day, Sports Illustrated ran NFL preview issues with four zoned covers, depending on the section of the country. Three of the four cover boys were J.J. Watt (out for the season), Aaron Rodgers (probably out for the season), and David Johnson (out indefinitely). The fourth cover boy? Tom Brady. But Flying Elvii fans, don’t let that make you nervous.
Who Looks This Stuff Up? Data storage and spread sheets surely make sports trivia easier, but still: ”Eddie Jackson became the first player to score multiple defensive touchdowns of 75 yards or more in a game.” (Washington Post.) Who looks this stuff up?
Reader Animadversion. Many, many readers, including Nora Madon of Villa Hills, Kentucky, noted I forgot to run an item that appears in TMQ annually, when the last remaining undefeated honks a game. Adjusting for the fact that this should have appeared a week ago, here it is:
“Now an item I reproduce annually from my AutoText, changed only for team names and time stamp. My heirs will be using this item!
“At 6:19 p.m. Central on Sunday, as the Chiefs left the field mumbling ‘#@%*!’ under their breaths, corks popped. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, on opening day of every NFL season, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, sole perfect team in modern pro football history, sets aside a bottle of champagne to cool. And it’s genuine champagne from the French province of Champagne, not the boysenberry-infused sparkling-gewurztraminer wine-like substance that passes for bubbly these days. At the moment the stadium clock hits all-naughts for the vanquishing of the season’s last undefeated team, the 1972 Dolphins pull the corks, secure in the knowledge that they will reign as the sole perfect team for at least one more year. Gentlemen of 1972, enjoy your annual draught. TMQ feels confident you will continue to sip champagne each season until you are called to meet the football gods, and greeted by song and feasting.”
Mercury Morris of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, probably reminding everyone that, you know, they went undefeated that year, and no NFL team has done it since, and BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE ALREADY. Also pictured are teammates (L-R) Jim Kiick, Garo Yepremian, and Larry Little. (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images for Reebok)
The 500 Club. Hosting Memphis, the University of Houston gained 554 yards on offense, and lost. Visiting Edinboro University, Slippery Rock gained 586 yards, made a hard-to-believe 40 first downs, and lost. Hosting Central Missouri for its homecoming game, Washburn gained 556 yards and lost by 20 points.
Reader Trevor Ferril of Canyon, Texas, reports that in Lone Star State prep play, Plano East produced 534 yards of offense, scored 50 points, and lost. Winner McKinney High had 63 points and 599 yards rushing from senior Matt Gadek, a crazed number even by the crazed standards of Texas UIL action.
Sweet Oakland Plays of the Week. Leading at Oakland 30-24 with 2:46 remaining, Kansas City seemed to have the contest in hand, facing 3rd-and-4 at midfield. Rather than do the obvious and run, Chiefs coaches radioed in a deep drop passing play; Alex Smith was hammered for an 11-yard loss when both Kansas City offensive tackles barely brushed their men, then stood watching as four Oakland rushers bested five Chiefs blockers for the sack.
This was the sweetest defensive play of the night for the Raiders, who had lost five straight to the Chiefs, setting Oakland up for a sensational buzzer-beater drive. The sweetest offensive play of the night came when officials first ruled a touchdown for Jared Cook with 16 seconds remaining, then reversed the call and gave Oakland possession at the Kansas City 1. Losing the touchdown was sweet for Oakland because had the score counted, Kansas City, the league’s top long-strike team, would have had 16 seconds and two time outs to try for a field goal to win. Instead, the Raiders would finally get their touchdown with the clock expired—and break Kansas City’s 12-0 streak versus the AFC West.
An artist’s impression of gravitational waves generated by binary neutron stars. (Credits: R. Hurt/Caltech-Jet Propulsion Laboratory)
We Need to Run a TMQ That Lists 5,000 Authors. Two weeks ago your columnist attended an event in Boston at which I sat for a while with the physicist Gabriela Gonzalez, whose research specialty is gravity waves. I said something really sophisticated like, “This business about ripples in space-time, that’s just Star Trek scriptwriter mumbo-jumbo, right?” She patiently explained (no doubt while thinking, “who let this guy in here?”) that ripples in space-time are genuine science. And sure enough, gravity-wave detectors all around the world were busy, as the world learned last week.
The fad for scientific papers with multiple authors seemed to hit a new low in conjunction with the event, the New York Times noting, “A blizzard of papers is being published, including one in Astrophysical Journal Letters that has some 4,000 authors . ‘That paper almost killed the paperwriting team,’ said Dr. Vicky Kalogera, one of 10 people who did the actual writing.” A later correction clarified that there were a mere 3,500 authors on the Astrophysical Journal Letters paper. A record? Hardly. You need to reach 5,000 authors for a record.
The Football Gods Chortled #1. Tennessee celebrated wildly after kicking a field goal to win at Cleveland: “We did it! We beat a team that had lost 24 of its previous 25 games!” Note the Flaming Thumbtacks needed overtime, and failed to record a touchdown, to beat the team that had lost 24 of its previous 25 games. Overtimes involving the Cleveland Browns should be running clock, for humanitarian reasons.
Seriously, how can the Browns be so bad? As TMQ notes, their draft-choice bonanza of the last five years exceeds the draft bonanza the Cowboys enjoyed from the Herschel Walker trade. Those extra draft choices resulted in a multi-ring dynasty for Dallas; Cleveland’s draft-bonanza result is records of 3-13, 1-15 and now 0-7.
“The Browns have changed starting quarterbacks 20 times in their last 43 games.” (Michael David Smith of profootballtalk.com.) Sunday versus Tennessee, two Cleveland quarterbacks combined for a passer rating of 42.1, which is barely above the 39 the team would have received if every attempt clanged to the ground incomplete. Browns quarterbacks have 10 more interceptions than touchdown passes, a dreadful stat. Browns management passed on Carson Wentz in the 2016 draft, then passed on Deshaun Watson in the 2017 draft. The Browns and 49ers—a combined 0-14 and both with four-alarm fires at football’s most important position—both passed on Watson.
The Football Gods Chortled #2. North Central College defeated Augustana College 54-2. The Vikings’ faithful lament, “If only we’d scored 27 more safeties.”
The Football Gods Chortled #3. The official scorer’s rendition of the Stanford Band play the Buccaneers attempted on their final, desperation down:
(:08) (Shotgun) J.Winston pass short left to A.Humphries to TB 36 for 5 yards. Lateral to C.Sims III to TB 33 for -3 yards. Lateral to M.Evans to TB 25 for -8 yards. FUMBLES, recovered by TB-D.Smith at TB 25. D.Smith to TB 30 for 5 yards. Lateral to C.Brate to TB 23 for -7 yards. FUMBLES, recovered by TB-M.Evans at TB 23. M.Evans to TB 23 for no gain. Lateral to A.Humphries to TB 20 for -3 yards. Lateral to C.Sims III to TB 14 for -6 yards. Lateral to D.Jackson to TB 6 for -8 yards. Lateral to M.Evans to TB 14 for 8 yards. Lateral to D.Jackson to TB 29 for 15 yards (M.Dareus).
Obscure College Score. Toledo 48, Akron 21. If, as TMQ thinks, the best annual name-versus-name collegiate matchup is California of Pennsylvania versus Indiana of Pennsylvania—this year Indiana of Pennsylvania won, 26-10—the best annual nickname-versus-nickname matchup is the Toledo Rockets versus the Akron Zips. Saturday, Toledo took that contest 48-21. Located in Akron, Ohio, the University of Akron has an elaborate policy for the use of drones, including that flying drones “on or above university property must comply with all applicable federal, state and local laws.” Note to the University of Akron—laws apply whether you state this or not.
Saturday offered other excellent nickname-versus-nickname matchup, Delaware 42, Richmond 35 in overtime. This game paired the Spiders against the Blue Hens. The Central Missouri defeat of Washburn paired the Ichabods versus the Mules.
Next Week. Tuesday Morning Quarterback Enterprises introduces a drone that drops a water balloon on any offensive lineman who simply stands around watching.
