Whenever I’m driving with my wife, I have this nasty habit of smacking her in the face. No, it’s not because of the innumerable times she says, “It’s green. You can go now.” Or “Slow down, there’s a stop sign.” It’s not even when she thinks I don’t see the car in front of me braking and yells, “Oh, oh, look out!” It’s just when I back up.
For whatever reason, when I was learning to drive, my mother advised me to put my right arm behind the passenger seat while going in reverse. I’ve done it ever since. But as a consequence, the back of my hand will occasionally graze my wife’s cheek. My knuckle might collide with her forehead. A finger might poke her in the eyeball.
It’s been a hard habit to break but, in a manner of speaking, my days of spousal abuse may be coming to an end. You see, my new Subaru Legacy comes equipped with a rear-vision camera. As soon as I shift into reverse, the video touchscreen, which normally shows me my music options, reveals the road behind me, including superimposed yellow and red bars warning me when I’m close to impact.
This isn’t the only way my car tries to be helpful. When the outside temperature dips below 38 degrees, a beep goes off and the dashboard warns me, “Roads may be icy.” But as an email newsletter from Subaru explains, “The indicator is intended as a guide only. Drivers should check and monitor the actual condition of the road surfaces.” Check how? With my own eyes? That seems to be asking a lot.
Meanwhile, don’t even think about unbuckling the seatbelt until the car is in park. Any time before that and a bell will start chiming. (Taking this one step further, the 2016 Chevy Malibu mutes the radio until your seatbelt is fastened.)
Worst of all, as soon as I turn the ignition, the screen displays the following message: “CAUTION: Drive safely and obey traffic rules. Watching this screen and making selections while driving can lead to a serious accident. Check surroundings for safety while camera images are displayed. Read the safety instructions in your Owner’s Manual.” At the bottom right-hand corner is a touchable square with the words “I Agree.”
Two months ago, while visiting the in-laws in Connecticut, my son and I were invited to check out the car collection of a family friend. We were picked up in a 1946 Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith—the kind that includes a third headlight, a lever that slides the driver’s side window down (as opposed to being cranked), and reclining trays for the backseats (minus the jar of Grey Poupon). We didn’t wear seatbelts, and my 8-year-old son sat in the front. Amazingly, no alarms went off.
The vehicles in storage were equally impressive. There was a Model T in mid-restoration, a Buick Roadster complete with rumble seat, and even an early 1960s Mercedes once owned by the late German chancellor Konrad Adenauer. Several models, including a 1950s Lincoln, featured same-side doors that open away from each other. Although manufacturers referred to these as coach doors and rear-hinged, they were popularly known as suicide doors.
By the time I entered driver’s ed, the suicide doors were gone. Seatbelts were a big deal. Students sat through graphic films about the perils of drinking and driving. The problem is there are always more dangers on the road. Today, texting and driving has become a deadly trend. A friend of mine actually took a picture of his speedometer as he broke 100 mph on the Autobahn (impressive, I admit).
The solution for now has been this accumulation of warning signals trying to account for every possible distraction. But the long-term solution seems to be driverless cars; this way we can do as much texting as our hearts desire. Already the latest Buicks offer Wi-Fi for passengers to check email and surf the net. Many automakers sell cars that parallel-park for you. Remember the old Volkswagen slogan “Drivers Wanted”? Apparently not anymore.
We need to be safe on the road. This I do not doubt. But it’s mostly a matter of common sense. I don’t really need a warning about fiddling with the radio every time I get in the car. (I know it’s wrong, but if I hear that song “Renegades” one more time, I’m taking my chances.) I don’t need to be alerted that it’s possibly icy outside. I don’t need to be told to keep my seatbelt fastened until I’m in park. Probably the only warning my car could use is one for the passenger when I’m shifting into reverse. Something like “Watch your head—swinging arm coming your way!”
