As part of the Obama administration’s upbeat attitude toward the current economic challenges, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will reportedly announce this week a “creative, positive approach” to disposing of billions of dollars in troubled assets, typically securities backed by mortgages on houses that have declined in value.
According to a Treasury source who requested anonymity to avoid accountability for his remarks, Geithner plans to introduce a new national game of chance called Troubled-Assets Lotto, with jackpots payable in mortgage-backed securities which the government has purchased from nearly-insolvent banks.
While skeptics doubt whether people will risk their hard-earned dollars on potentially-worthless paper, the unnamed source noted that “Americans love all games of chance, and thanks to the new $787 billion economic stimulus package, U.S. currency devaluation should increase the appeal of these toxic assets.”
“Besides,” he said, “if Americans won’t buy Troubled-Assets Lotto tickets, we can always sell them to the Chinese.”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has also expressed interest in using the concept to revive business for his constituents in Las Vegas.
“We’re looking at some innovative new casino games,” said an aide to the senator, “Sen. Reid thinks visitors will pour into Vegas to play Bailout Blackjack, Fannie Mae Mahjong, Derivative Securities Slots, Congressional Corruption Craps, Negligent Regulator Roulette and Zero-Down Poker.”
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site, and anchor of ScrappleFace Network News (SNN), seen on YouTube.
