April 21st, 2009 – Three months after President Barack Obama’s inauguration, he’s under fire for signing a $21 million contract to endorse a premium alcoholic beverage. He is the first serving U.S. president to be paid for commercial promotions.
“President Obama is the perfect spokesman for Black Bush,” said Sir Godfree Effingham-Blynde, the new CEO for Diageo, the booze giant.
Black Bush, the premium label for Diageo-owned Bushmill’s Irish whiskey, is similar to the exclusive Johnny Walker Blue Label, or Mrs. Buttersworth’s Platinum syrup.
Republican officials, expected to criticise the move, were strangely ambivalent.
“It represents a crisis of principle for any Republican,” said Susan B. Creamcheese III, spokescreature for the Republican National Finance Committee.
“While we are morally opposed to anything Democrats do, even when we do it ourselves, we also strongly support anything encouraging rampant vulgarity and large-scale greed. It’s like a thingy, a choice.”
“And some say it’s appropriate because he’s so much like President Bush. Half of Obama’s cabinet were Clinton or Bush appointees. They sound like recordings of Bush’s economic policies – bailouts, bailouts, bailouts.” Creamcheese giggled, “You know, easy come, easy go!”
“Then, Obama’s cabinet shares President Bush’s vision for the Middle East. So, they talk peace in public while helping while helping Israel with the Palestinians, plus planning war in Iran and increasing our, um, glorious victory in Afghanistan. Whatever.”
So, is the president just endorsing a drink called Black Bush – or is he an African American photocopy of our previous president?
“Yeah, sort of both. But, he’s not a Republican, at least not yet,” she equivocated. “And he’s threatened to wimp out on torturing innocent suspects. But, like, so far he’s still cool on that. Yay, torture!”
The pending scandal follows endorsement controversy in late January. Two days after the Obama inauguration, former President Bill Clinton announced his $13.2 million contract promoting Cialis, the Eli Lilly product treating erectile dysfunction.
Within a week his wife, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, declared her own $17 million, four-year contract endorsing Pepsi products, especially Fritos. “They’re made of corn,” America’s top diplomat, “a mainstay of American exports.”
Asked whether it is appropriate for public officials to accept payment for commercial endorsements, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel replied, “Oh, XXXXX-off, you XXX-ing XXXXX!!”
Now, President Obama is the next political celebrity to make megabucks endorsing products, says Diageo, the UK-based booze-dealer formed in 1997 of Guinness and another alcoholic giant.
Company spokesmen insist that the contract has nothing to do with the $41 billion bailout for the drinks and entertainment industry now being discussed on Capitol Hill.
“In no way will President Obama’s commercial responsibilities affect his role as President,” insists Effingham-Blynde.
“Under the contract, Diageo drinks will be prominently displayed at all White House social functions,” he added. “And yes, we have an exclusivity agreement to be maintained by the United States Secret Service, just as they monitor and enforce the provision of Frito Lay snacks at the State Department.”
“But, our company will provide free drinks 24/7 – for guests and White House staff even during working hours — representing an enormous saving to taxpayers in these parlous economic times,” he insisted. “Whether we get a mention in the State of the Union speech is up to the president.”
Diageo brand managers hope to avoid a repetition of the so-called Sacramento Massacre of last December, when California Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger’s bodyguards assaulted and killed two Christmas party guests attempting to smuggle a bottle of Gallo red wine into the capitol building, days after Robert Mondavi signed a $15 million exclusivity agreement with the state government.
S. J. Masty, a former Washington speechwriter, is an international communication consultant. The Time Machine reports each Wednesday.
