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In the wake of a mass shooting which killed 13 people in Binghamton, New York, this week, the Obama administration said it would “move with all haste to close a loophole which gives crazed gunmen unfettered access that frequently leads to such shocking casualties.”
“The president has said he agrees with the Supreme Court’s DC v. Heller decision affirming the 2nd amendment as an individual right to keep and bear arms,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “but he has also said reasonable gun laws are appropriate. Given the fact that every multiple-victim shooting with more than three fatalities has happened in a place where guns are forbidden, the president said he’ll issue an executive order effectively closing the gun-free zone loophole.”
“The Binghamton shooting spree lasted about two minutes,” said Mr. Gibbs. “The police arrived in about three minutes. That extra minute is what we call the gun-free zone loophole. Of course, that doesn’t count the extra hours before the police felt it was safe to enter the building.”
A spokesman for the Brady Center, a lobbying group committed to protecting Americans from gun violence, praised the president’s move.
“The unstoppable proliferation of illegal weapons in the hands of criminals makes a ‘Gun-Free Zone’ sign little more than an invitation to lunatics and terrorists for some easy target practice,” said the unnamed Brady Center source. “Closing the gun-free zone loophole introduces an element of risk for the criminal, transforming a crowd of people in a classroom or shopping mall from hapless sheep in a petting zoo to armed citizens who have a fighting chance at survival.”
A spokesman for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) agreed, noting that “our Constitutional freedoms are best enjoyed at 98.6 degrees. The benefits of civil rights drop off rapidly as the body approaches room temperature.”
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site, and anchor of ScrappleFace Network News (SNN), seen on YouTube.
