They have rebuilt her! Who? One word: Cher. Today, the Bionic Woman in black spandex headlines her first movie since the 1990s.
For “Burlesque,” she expands that old showbiz warning about how you should never work with children or animals. You shouldn’t work with Cher either — not unless you want to disappear beneath the haze of fabulousness induced by her glittery aura and husky contralto.
Poor Christina Aguilera. She makes her feature film debut in this so-bad-it’s-good, guilty pleasure of a musical drama set in a fantasy Sunset Strip cabaret. The junior diva may play the protagonist and get to do most of the songs. She may have the best vocal ability of any of the blondes in her generation of pop stars. And she may even have stronger pipes than You-Know-Who.
| IF YOU GO |
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‘Burlesque’ 2 out of 5 stars |
| » Stars: Cher, Christina Aguilera, Stanley Tucci, Kristen Bell |
| » Director: Steve Antin |
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| Rated PG-13 for sexual content including several suggestive dance routines, partial nudity, language and some thematic material. |
| » Running time: 116 minutes |
But when it comes to screen presence and giving campy material authority, Cher wipes up the floor with Miss X-tina and the younger, more flexible gals who appear in frame with her. Besides the amazing costumes and some of the many slinky production numbers, it’s mostly Cher who makes this lavishly produced, laughably written piece sing.
This rough rebuild of movies like “A Star is Born” dabbles in the cruelty of Hollywood’s ups-and-downs. A fledgling ing?nue from the sticks — Aguilera’s perfect angel character Ali — is suddenly discovered to knock a bitter veteran (Kristen Bell’s vacant version of an alcoholic) off the club’s marquee.
Meanwhile, in first-time director-writer Steven Antin’s cheesy script, cool burlesque owner Tess (Cher) struggles to keep her joint away from pending foreclosure and a dastardly real estate developer (Eric Dane aka McSteamy). But she always finds time to banter with her gay bff (played by an adorable Stanley Tucci).
Alan Cumming and “Dancing With the Stars”‘s Julianne Hough also appear in highly choreographed musical sequences that might have been stolen out of a handbook called “Bob Fosse For Dummies.” Aguilera belts out two Etta James covers and several ho-hum melodies, some co-written by her. Former “Twilight” stud Cam Gigandet constantly drools over her, playing the ultra-hot love interest.
But on the axis where vanity project “Glitter” meets cult joke “Showgirls,” only one super-heroine can save us. In the second of her two numbers, on a bare stage, Cher tackles a Diane Warren song created for her. Movingly, she warbles, “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me.” And we exclaim, “Thank heavens!”
