Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Eli Manning Is a First-Ballot Hall of Famer

As the G-Persons show the door to their best quarterback since Charlie Conerly—Y.A. Tittle only played a few seasons for New York, which at the time actually was located in New York—one must bear in mind that all good things come to an end. Larry Bird, Bruce Smith, Jerry Rice (FWIW, your columnist thinks he was the best football player ever)—many star athletes did not want to accept their own declines, and had to be told they should stop taping their ankles and let the young guys have a turn. So maybe Eli’s washed up. But the Giants could not have handled the situation worse, as evidenced by the firings of head coach Ben McAdoo and general manager Jerry Reese. Hours before the firings, the New York Post christened the head coach “Ben McAdieu.”

Now the question is: Does Eli go into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot?

A few years ago I referred to Eli Manning as a future Hall of Famer and got a lot of guff about that from the sportsyak call-in cohort of those who paint their faces blue on Sundays: “He’s terrible, he’s not as tough as Simms, he doesn’t win every single game by 500 points!” For their parts, most touts act lukewarm on Manning. Why?

Eli got himself off on the wrong foot with football aficionados by seeming miserable on the day he was chosen first overall in the 2004 NFL draft. At the time, he did not know he was about to be traded from the Chargers, then an undesirable destination, to the hype-a-rama Giants. It seemed graceless of Eli to be unhappy at the moment of a distinction that eluded nearly all football stars, and that millions of Americans have Walter Mitty daydreams about.

Now we know a scrunched-up face is simply Eli’s baseline expression. He always looks as if he just broke something expensive and hasn’t been caught yet. Optics aside, he’s never gotten the respect that goes to other quarterbacks with fewer championship rings.

Maybe this is because he is Peyton’s little brother: Peyton is spoken of as a man, Eli as little Peyton. Maybe it’s because Giants faithful think anything less than a Super Bowl win every single year is a gigantic disappointment. Maybe it’s because Phil Simms yelling insults at Ronnie Lott during a 1990 Monday Night Football contest at San Francisco is cherished by Giants fans as the ultimate expression of Big Apple bravado. Eli Manning would never exchange trash talk with a tough defender. Eli would say, “Have your lawyer call my lawyer.”

Regardless, Eli will go into Canton on the first ballot. He’s a great player and a fine person, as well—in fact, a mensch. Giants faithful will not soon see his likes again, and will rue the day that McAdieu gave this stellar athlete a swift kick in the keister.

The case for Eli Manning:

* Two Super Bowl wins, both over a favored team, both times over the dreaded New England Patriots. Flawless performances on the buzzer-beater endgame touchdown drives in both cases.

* Beat the Patriots when they were 18-0 and lauded as the best team ever.

* Tougher than it may seem. Everyone knows the 2008 Helmet Catch. Watch the early part of the replay: Eli had to break three tackles to launch the ball. He was hit repeatedly in the 2012 NFC title win at San Francisco and still standing during overtime.

* Eight postseason victories, same as the totals of Dan Marino and Steve Young.

* Eighth all-time for touchdown passes.

* Tied for third among active quarterbacks in fourth quarter comebacks. (Pittsburgh’s comeback against Cincinnati Monday night elevated Ben Roethlisberger to second.)

* Solid under playoff pressure. During the regular season, Manning has thrown 1.5 touchdown passes for every interception; in the postseason, 2 touchdown passes per interception. Other Hall of Fame quarterbacks wilt in this comparison. Hall of Famer Jim Kelly during the regular season threw 1.4 touchdown passes for every interception; in the postseason, he threw more interceptions than touchdown passes.

* Twice led the Giants to playoff victories in Green Bay, defeating Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers on their home field.

* His back-to-back performances in the 2008 postseason—besting the Packers in Green Bay in overtime during a night game played with below-zero kickoff temperature, then throwing a touchdown pass with 39 seconds remaining to defeat the 18-0 Patriots—are among the top achievements in NFL annals.

Of course football is a team sport, so many other Giants should get the same credit for memorable wins, such as the back-to-back 2008 postseason victories, as Eli does. Manning also must shoulder his share of the blame for an awful 2017 season. McAdoo seemed to be desperate to shift responsibility from himself onto a player. But there are numerous NFL clubs—Arizona, Buffalo, City of Tampa, Denver, Green Bay and Houston (both of which lost their top QBs to injury), Miami, Oakland—that would have better records if Manning had been their quarterback all this season.

Should Manning retire and spend his days in celebrity Yahtzee tournaments? Going on his age 37 season and with two rings, he’s got nothing to prove, and presumably is financially set for life. Huge numbers of NFL players have fantasized about winning a Super Bowl, earning a bundle of cash, and then walking away, healthy, on their own terms. Eli is positioned to do exactly that.

Or should Eli follow his brother to the Denver Broncos and win another Super Bowl there?

The Colts, you’ll recall, gave Peyton a swift kick in the keister: whispered that he was too old, didn’t have it anymore. Peyton went to the Broncos, set a single-season touchdown record, and then won the Super Bowl again. John Elway, who runs the team, has an obvious fondness for quarterbacks whose busts someday will join his in Canton. If I were a blue-faced Jersey/A fanatic, I’d hope Eli retires. If he goes to Denver and performs well, his benching will become the biggest Giants blunder since The Fumble in 1978.

In other football news, if Clemson repeats as national champion of big-division football, the Tigers will have played 15 games, one shy of an NFL season. In the title contest, the Georgia-Oklahoma winner will make its 15th appearance of the season. This year’s Virginia state high school champions play 15 games, while next door in Maryland, the title-round survivors play 14 games. There are still three weekends to go in the crazed Texas high school football playoffs, where entrants in the many state title contests will perform in 16 games, a full NFL season.

This is just too much football—too much of a good thing. Too many games for audiences to care about, too many injuries, and too much distraction from schoolwork for the 99 percent of high school boys, and 95 percent of college men, whose football careers never lead to an NFL paycheck. More games are added to please boosters—who are a force not just in college but at the high school level, especially in California and Texas—to make coaches and athletic directors seem more important and justify their higher pay. More games certainly aren’t added in the interests of the players or of the sport. What state or federal legislator, or college trustee or state high school athletic governing board, will show some courage and impose limits on the number of games?

Quarterback Russell Wilson #3 of the Seattle Seahawks passes against the Philadelphia Eagles in the third quarter at CenturyLink Field on December 3, 2017 in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images)

Stats of the Week #1. Minnesota, which held high-voltage Atlanta to 275 offensive yards on the Falcons’ home field, has allowed fewer than 300 yards in eight of its 12 games.

Stats of the Week #2. Since achieving a 10-0 record and the number-two position in the polls, the University of Miami has been outscored 62-17.

Stats of the Week #3. Tom Brady is 27-3 in his career versus the Bills.

Stats of the Week #4. The Seahawks are on a 20-5 streak in games played after November 30.

Stats of the Week #5. The Steelers are on a 23-7 stretch against the Bengals.

Stats of the Week #6. In 2015, tailback Alfred Morris rushed for 100 yards at Dallas. His next 100-yard rushing game also was at Dallas, last Thursday. In the 2015 game, Morris was playing for the R*dsk*ns versus the Cowboys; in the 2017 game, for the Cowboys versus the R*dsk*ns.

Stats of the Week #7. Stretching back to the start of last season, the Giants were 11-5 before Odell Beckham Jr. staged his self-promotional Miami Beach party, and are 2-11 since.

Stats of the Week #8. In two meetings this season, the Rams outscored the Cardinals 65-16.

Stats of the Week #9. Stretching back to last season, the Patriots are on a 20-2 run.

Stats of the Week #10. I don’t wish to alarm you, but the Jaguars and Titans are a combined 16-8.

Sweet Play of the Week. Carolina arrived at New Orleans tied with Philadelphia for fewest rushing touchdowns allowed, at four. The Saints proceeded to score three rushing touchdowns against the Panthers front.

The first New Orleans rushing touchdown came when the Saints went for it on 4th-and-goal at the Carolina 2—using a rushing play, a challenge to the opponent’s strength. Then game tied at 7, New Orleans reached the Carolina 3. Tailback Mark Ingram went straight ahead and scored standing up, behind excellent blocking at the point of attack by guard Larry Warford and tackle Ryan Ramczyk. New Orleans would finish with 148 yards rushing, most of it on vanilla actions that depended on good blocking, not wacky tactics. Staging a direct challenge to Carolina’s strength set the tone for a monster New Orleans win.

Sour Play of the Week. Chiefs leading 31-30 at Jersey/B with 3:58 remaining, the hosts kicked a short field goal, giving them a 33-31 edge though positioning Kansas City to win with a field goal of its own.

But wait! Kansas City’s Bennie Logan was called for a late hit. Todd Bowles elects to take the points off the board, in exchange for 1st-and-goal. Kansas City stops three plays, so Jersey/B will send out its kicking team again.

But wait!! Kansas City’s Steven Nelson is called for defensive holding, an automatic first-down foul. Now it’s 1st-and-goal yet again. The Jets score a touchdown to go ahead 36-31, try for two, and are stopped.

But wait!!! Nelson, again, is called for holding, allowing a deuce try from the Kansas City 1, which succeeds. As this is happening, perpetually pouting Kansas City star-in-his-own-mind Marcus Peters is called for unsportsmanlike conduct, after chucking the official’s penalty flag into the stands. Believing he has been ejected, Peters tears off his gloves and socks and leaves the field.

But wait!!!! As Kansas City was mounting a last-ditch drive, Peters strolled back out onto the field, not ejected and not properly dressed to reenter the contest had the Chiefs forced overtime—also creating a distraction for his teammates while Kansas City still had a chance to score.

The Jets ran 10 snaps in goal-to-goal on their possession, earning eight points, while the Chiefs committed four major penalties. All in all, a sour Warhead.

Sour Bonus. Jacksonville converted its third fake punt of 2017, and for the third time, the opponent was surprised. The Colts have two coaches who do nothing all year long but special teams and neither of them knew Jacksonville had already run two fake punts this season. Tuesday Morning Quarterback readers knew!

Sweet ‘n’ Sour Blitzes of the Week. Philadelphia defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz is among the top minds in football coaching. In prior stints at Tennessee and Buffalo, he mostly employed a conservative Cover 2 front designed to cause incompletions, rarely going after the quarterback. This season with the Nesharim, he is bringing the house more often than a real-estate agent. Maybe it’s that Schwartz is now drinking from the same water fountain Jim Johnson once used.

Late in the first quarter at Seattle, Schwartz called a seven-man “house” blitz. The result was a Seahawk open deep, defensive pass interference, and a big gain for the hosts. On the next snap Schwartz doubled down, again calling a seven-man blitz. The result was a Seahawk open deep, defensive holding, and a first down for the hosts. Seattle recorded a touchdown on the possession.

Now it’s the third quarter, Blue Men Group leading 10-7 and facing 3rd-and-10 at midfield. Another seven-man “house” blitz results in Doug Baldwin open deep for a 47-yard completion to the Philadelphia 1 yard line. Seattle scores for a 17-3 margin and command of the contest. These three plays were sweet for the Seahawks, whose beleaguered offensive line blocked a trio of all-out blitzes, and sour for the Eagles, whose winning streak was snapped.

Of course blitzes sometimes succeed, and overall, pressure-oriented tactics combined with man-to-man corners has produced good defensive stats for Philadelphia this season. But big blitzes tend to work best against disorganized offenses and lower-tier quarterbacks; elite quarterbacks like Russell Wilson want to be blitzed, because they know it means man-to-man coverage deep. If the Eagles face Tom Brady or Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl, the big blitz will backfire.

Empires No Longer Exist; the Title “Emperor” Should Meet the Same Fate. Akihito said last week he would abdicate in April 2019, when he will be 84 years old. Japan can call its sovereign whatever the Japanese may please—but why do other nations refer to him as Emperor Akihito? Empires are shameful things, based on murder, expropriation, and exploitation. Every aspect of imperial Japan’s empire was shameful—Burma still has not recovered. Actual emperors of history have in nearly every case been persons of guilt and shame. Be these things as they may, Japan has not held an empire in nearly three-quarters of a century. For a nation that has no empire to laud its sovereign as an “emperor” seems delusional. Of course I speak as the proud citizen of a nation who elected a television game show host as president.

When Elizabeth II departs this life, don’t be surprised if press reports refer to Charles as the “ruler of the British Empire.” There has been no British Empire in any meaningful sense for half a century, while the 1997 return of Hong Kong to China all but formally drew this wickedness concept to a close. The Order of the British Empire still exists, apparently to ensure the world does not forget that much of England’s wealth is based on murder, theft, and exploitation. Kudos to the Jamaican poet Benjamin Zephaniah, who turned down the Order of the British Empire. Kudos to all who have declined. Why would any self-respecting person, including any self-respecting Japanese or Briton, want the odious word “empire” dangling from the nation’s neck?

TMQ’s Christmas List. Christmas month has arrived, and with it the acceleration of the year. January, February, and March trudge along; December goes past in a blur. I’d gladly trade the entire first quarter of the calendar for an extra week of December.

Each year TMQ notes absurd Christmas gifts. How about a nice modern-architecture cat plaything, at $353? That sounds pricey, but then, it’s larger than some Manhattan studio apartments. Perhaps your feline would prefer a more traditional piece of furniture: ”Featuring a calming, neutral color, this cat condo will blend seamlessly into any home decor.”

If you’ve seen a nutty gift suggestion, tweet it, with specifics and your hometown, to me @EasterbrookG.

Whatever your holiday, rather than give some increment of excess materialism, make a donation, in your recipient’s name, to any worthy organization. Give a goat! The noble developing-world organization World Vision will buy a goat or a chicken in Africa or Asia and send a certificate that can be wrapped. I “gave a goat” to my kids last Christmas and was glad I did.

Authentic Games Standings. This super-sophisticated Tuesday Morning Quarterback metric tracks high-pressure games versus quality opponents. I can’t disclose my methodology because I don’t have one.

Entering the home stretch of the regular season, the Authentic Games metric shows:

AFC:

Kansas City 5-1

New England 5-2

Jacksonville, Pittsburgh 3-2

Tennessee 2-2

Buffalo 2-3

Raiders 2-5

Ravens 1-4

Chargers 0-4

NFC:

Minnesota 6-2

Eagles 4-2

Saints 4-3

Atlanta, Carolina, Rams 3-3

Seattle 3-4

Packers, R*dsk*ns 2-5

Detroit 1-6

As noted last week, I’ve got a problem with my super-sophisticated metric rating Kansas City the most Authentic team in the AFC. The Chiefs opened 5-0 and since are 1-6, having dropped three straight to the Giants, Bills, and Jets. These three teams have in common that all claim to represent the Empire State though only one does, and also, all of them are crummy squads. By next week at the latest I will have devised some flimsy excuse why the Chiefs must drop out of Authentic Games leadership despite my own metric favoring them.

Over in the NFC, the Vikings emerge as clear favorites. A Minnesota-New England Super Bowl would pit undrafted quarterback Case Keenum against sixth-round-drafted Tom Brady.

Maroon Zone Play of the Week. TMQ’s Maroon Zone is reached when it’s too far for a placekick but too close to punt. Early in the third quarter versus Cleveland, LA/B reached 4th-and-4 on the Browns’ 35—a classic Maroon Zone predicament. The Chargers went for it, converted, got a touchdown on the possession, and never looked back.

Weasel Coach Watch. Last week this column noted TMQ’s Law of Weasel Coaches, which holds: When you hire a coach who’s only in it for himself, you get a coach who’s only in it for himself. Arkansas waved money to entice Bret Bielema to break his word at Wisconsin, then was astonished to discover Bielema is a weasel; Arkansas now owes him a $11.8 million severance and is trying to entice some other Power Five coach to break his word at his current school, that is, to become the next weasel.

In 2015, Scott Frost got his first head coaching job, at the University of Central Florida. Perhaps he would show loyalty to the school that took a chance on him? No chance. Frost signed a big-money extension promising to stay till 2021, told his recruits fairy tales about family and loyalty, then broke his word after honoring just seven months of his promise, which is breathtaking weasel-ness even by the extremely low standards of big-deal college football coaching. Now he’s the head coach at Nebraska, walking out on his promises at UCF. Cornhusker alums—don’t act all shocked and disappointed when Frost behaves like the kind of guy whose word means nothing when money is waved.

Live look at the college football coaching hunt. (Photo credit: Jana M. Cisar / USFWS)

The University of Tennessee suddenly owes a $5.5-million severance to athletic director John Currie, fired after less than a year on the job. Currie’s transgression was failing to get a brand-name head coach to agree to become a weasel, breaking his word at his current job, and assume the helm in Knoxville. Heather Dinich and Mark Schlabach report that big universities recently have agreed to more than $50 million in severance payments to Currie, Bielema, and other malefactors: “Bielema, 47, would become the fourth FBS coach [recently] to receive a contract buyout in excess of $10 million. UCLA’s Jim Mora ($12.275 million), Arizona State’s Todd Graham ($12.26 million) and Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin ($10.46 million) also are scheduled to receive sizable buyouts after being fired in November.” Severance millions are yet another way in which the aristocrats at the top of big-college football and men’s basketball lord it over the indentured servants, that is to say, the unpaid, and often uneducated, players.

Texas A&M just fired Sumlin, though he was 51-26 for the Aggies and produced a pretty decent 65 percent football graduation rate. But is there anyone on the Texas A&M board of regents who cares about football graduation rates? A good guess is no. The school paid a $10.5-million severance to Sumlin to get rid of him, then signed Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher to a deal with $75 million guaranteed. The guaranteed part is important since Fisher is certain to be fired by Texas A&M before the new contract expires. As Chuck Todd tweeted last Saturday, “Who wants to bet Florida State will be in the four-team college football playoff more times than Texas A&M for the length of Jimbo’s contract?”

Texas A&M had enticed Sumlin to break his word to his previous employer, the University of Houston, and to the recruits there whom he falsely called family and falsely pledged loyalty to. Now the school has enticed Fisher to break his word to the Seminoles recruits to whom he lied when pledging loyalty, family, blah blah blah Hey is that money? ESPN reported Fisher “left a parade of hurt feelings, bad blood and frustrated administrators, boosters and staff” at Florida State. Don’t claim to be shocked and surprised, Texas A&M, when Fisher turns out to be a weasel in College Station. Potential Texas A&M football recruits should bear in mind that Fisher lied to his last group of recruits: Any promises he makes to you are lies, too.

The irony of contemporary Power Five football economics is that Fisher is valuable to Texas A&M even if he’s a sleazy weasel getting $75 million. Had Fisher said—we’re veering into science fiction here—“I’ll work cheap, spend the money on scholarships for African Americans,” the school would have been displeased. Alums and boosters are furious that Texas A&M has lost its high-status sense in football. Throwing a huge amount of cash at a head coach will make the alums and boosters happy, at least for the moment. In the topsy-turvy realm of big-college sports, the fact that Fisher cost way too much, and clearly could not care less about education—his Florida State football graduation rate is a laughable 23 percent—makes him desirable to the boosters.

Fisher’s $75 million will not come directly from Texas taxpayers, rather, from athletic foundations such as this one. This makes it seem as though the rich are picking up the tab. But considering nearly all donations to university athletic funds are tax-deductible, in effect state and federal taxpayers will cover about a third of Fisher’s bounty, while most can only dream of being able to afford to send a child to Texas A&M.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk. Versus Clemson, twice Miami punted on 4th-and-1, including when trailing 21-10. Versus Ohio State, twice Wisconsin punted on 4th-and-3, including on 4th-and-3 in Buckeyes territory. These “safe” tactics added up to defeats. Favorites Clemson and Ohio State, by contrast, each went for it on 4th-and-short; the Buckeyes twice. Not hiding behind “safe” tactics added up to victory.

Trailing 27-21 with 3:30 remaining, the Badgers reached 3rd-and-3 on their 38. As noted by reader Robert Panetta of Montreal, Quebec, this down-and-distance and clock situation “dictates four-down thinking”: consecutive rushes to ensure a first down. Instead Wisconsin threw incomplete, then punted—the third-down playcall meaning Badgers head coach Paul Chryst had already decided to do the “safe” thing and kick, rather than take the blame for a fourth-down gamble. Buck-buck-brawckkkkkkk! And buck-buck-goodbye-playoffs.

“Enough Already” Indeed. This story, given headline treatment by many news organizations, is about pre-publication review of a tweet. It doesn’t matter what the topic was—a high-level White House review of the exact wording of a planned tweet makes one want to weep.

True, evolving communications have been used by governments many times in the past—Bismarck’s 1870 editing of a statement to reporters regarding the Ems Dispatch triggered the Franco-Prussian War, for example. But White House lawyers scrubbing the wording of presidential tweets takes events to a new low. Rather than governing for the common good, Donald Trump is obsessed with social media posts to manipulate his popularity ratings.

Unhappy Hour in Hell’s Sports Bar. Hell’s sports bar was closed over the weekend for an employee holiday party, since the NFL offered four games between winning teams plus a matchup of .500 clubs—an unusually high-quality slate. As for the employee party, those screams you heard were management’s philosophy of Total Quality Torment.

Fight Fiercely Harvard! Undrafted Buccaneers tight end Cameron Brate has more receiving yards than his number-one-drafted teammate tight end O.J. Howard. Brate is one of the NFL’s seven Harvard players.

The Football Gods Pulled Up a Chair. Earlier this season TMQ proposed that the best nickname matchup in college football is University of Akron versus University of Toledo, which pairs the Zips against the Rockets. Saturday, the Zips met the Rockets in the MAC title contest. It doesn’t matter who won, just that the nicknames were so delightful.

Give Some High School Kids Explosives and Get Everyone Out of the Way. For the second time this season, demolition crews failed to bring down an old stadium. “It’s going to collapse, we just don’t know when,” officials said of the damaged Silverdome. The statement sounds disturbingly like what will happen to the federal budget if Donald Trump’s debt-bombshell tax bill is enacted.

Best 99-Yard Drive. On the key snap of the fourth quarter 99-yard drive against Stanford that secured the Pac-12 title, USC’s Sam Darnold threw from his end zone to Michael Pittman for a 54-yard gain. USC coaches called max-protect—seven blockers around the quarterback—while Stanford coaches called a three-man rush. That meant eight Cardinal were available to guard three Trojan receivers, yet Pittman got deep. On the play there’s a single safety high, one cornerback chasing Pittman, and a trio of Stanford defenders who are standing there like topiary, covering no one at all. USC iced the contest by going for it on 4th-and-2 with 37 seconds remaining, leading 31-28. This game added a million dollars to the NFL bonus check Darnold will sign.

Adventures in Officiating. The zebra crew led by John Hussey badly bungled a second half call in Panthers at Saints. Carolina facing 3rd-and-2, New Orleans prepared to blitz big. The Saints jumped offside, and Cats linemen moved. Everyone on the Carolina side of the ball thought the whistle had blown, as it should have. But officials allowed the play to proceed. New Orleans linebacker A.J. Klein ran “unabated” to Cam Newton and sacked him. Carolina punted, and officials made an NBA-style makeup call, flagging New Orleans for a penalty that nullified a punt return touchdown. But Carolina would much rather have had possession and third down over, as it should have.

The Football Gods Chortled. Backup quarterback Jake Rudock, who had never thrown a regular season pass, entered the game for Detroit, completing three throws for 24 yards. He also tossed a pick-six that was returned for a 45-yard touchdown by Baltimore. That made Rudock minus-21 in yards passing.

The Football Gods Frowned. This column extols the surprise onside kickoff—but not when you’re ahead 33-9 in the fourth quarter. That was the situation when Adam Gase of Miami ordered a surprise onside versus the Broncos. The play worked, but was poor sportsmanship. Gase once coached at Denver, but there’s no traditional rivalry between the two teams, both of which are having bad seasons. To try to run up the score against a former employer having a bad season is poor sportsmanship.

What is it about the Broncos that brings out poor sportsmanship? Last season, leading Denver 27-10 at the two-minute warning, Andy Reid of the Chiefs called a trick play to run up the score. The football gods have been punishing Reid since. Adam Gase’s luck now will turn south: The football gods grind slow, but they grind exceedingly small.

There Are Reasons Bad Teams Are Bad. Two weeks ago TMQ noted that NFL coaches should tell kickoff return men who receive a kick in the end zone to kneel; most who bring the ball out don’t reach the 25. Sunday’s Flying Elvii at Bills game pitted an excellent team versus a crummy team, so there may be no larger lessons in the contest. Still it’s worth noting that to start the second half, the Patriots kicked off into the Buffalo end zone. Rather than kneel, Brandon Tate took the ball out and was stopped on the 19. Buffalo’s drive sputtered, and the Patriots took command.

The 500 Club. Visiting Florida International, U-Mass gained 548 yards on offense, and lost by 18 points.

The 600 Club. Visiting Sam Houston State in the Division 1AA playoffs, South Dakota gained 637 yards, and lost. Coyotes quarterback Chris Streveker threw for 520 yards and five touchdowns, which turns out to be nowhere near enough to win in a modern scoreboard-spinning college contest.

The 700 Club. Against the University of Central Florida in the AAC championship game, Memphis gained 753 yards, and lost.

Obscure College Score. Wisconsin-Oshkosh 41, Wartburg 27 in the Division III playoffs. Located in Waverly, Iowa, Wartburg College offers menus—here is today’s—that sound a lot better than anything the parents who pay the bills are likely to be eating.

Next Week. Clemson meeting Alabama in the big-school semifinals means college football won’t join the NBA streak of threepeat championship pairings.