New book teaches women to say, “It’s not you, it’s me” — and mean it
How often after a bad date does a woman ask herself, “Were my expectations too high? Was my ‘want’ list realistic?”
“Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” released Feb. 4, came out just in time for Valentine’s Day. In the 318-page tome, author Lori Gottlieb ponders why she’s still single at 42. The single mother uses her book to mull why women are often their own worst enemy when it comes to finding a mate, and aims to help correct those who flounder.
Gottlieb’s controversial book was born out of a rant-turned-article for the Atlantic in 2008 where the seed for settling was planted: “Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. … Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.”
Gottlieb said the Atlantic article was a hyperbolic essay and clarifies that she didn’t literally mean to date the guy with halitosis.
“When we’re dating, are we really looking for what’s going to make us happy in our marriages?” Gottlieb said over e-mail. “I was suggesting that we look for what’s important for long-term romantic fulfillment and that we should be more realistic about what marriage and partnership are about.”
And looking for a realistic view means cutting down the pickiness factor. The author says women in their 20s think there’s no end to available, attractive, successful men. But when they hit their 30s and 40s, that pickiness is what keeps them sans man.
“Women shouldn’t get less picky about the important things, at any age,” she said. “The message of the book is that if you want to find the person you’ll stay in love with for the long term, you should be less picky about the things that won’t matter, and more picky about the things that will.”
Many women — Gottlieb included — have a virtual list of attributes that they require for a man to pass the test. In the book, she lists a whopping 61 qualities, including “same religion but not too religious,” “optimistic but not naive” and “Is not into sci-fi or comic books.” Sadly, “Madly in love with me” comes in last. She doesn’t want a real man, she wants a manbot.
But Gottlieb is determined. She enlists the help of many, including matchmakers, therapists, lawyers, researchers and Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach for “smart, successful women.” With Katz’s help, Gottlieb whittles her “needs” down and separates them from her “wants” when she’s searching for love.
And, although “Marry Him” gets as close to understanding the nuances of human relationships as, say, a Captain Morgan commercial, there are positives for women who read the book: Keep your want list short, and be reasonable and realistic. Also, try to read the whole book.
“I’m not advising settling in the sense of being with someone you’re not completely in love with,” Gottlieb added. “I’m suggest[ing] that we should open up to the idea that you can be happy with different kinds of people than you imagine.”
But it’s Gottlieb’s warning in the Atlantic article that rattles: “And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying.”
Better get on that, ladies.
