It’s resolution time, that special moment when we decide to make ourselves better, stronger, faster and generally more Steve Austin-like in the New Year. Virginia politicians make resolutions, too. Here are revealed a few of the more closely-guarded resolutions the commonwealth’s pols have made… (My attempt at some fun holiday humor at there expense for my more serious minded readers.)
- Gov. Bob McDonnell: Switch from decaf to full caf. Find and read Virginia constitution. Have Bill Bolling surgically removed from my hip.
- Lt. Gov. Bill Bolling: Get this guy to become new face of Virginia economic development efforts. Buy new Cuccinelli voodoo doll. And more pins. Have self surgically attached to McDonnell’s entire upper body.
- Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli: Ask doctor about these needle-like pains in my spine. Tell Greta it’s just not meant to be. Lawsuit against Canada? Yes!
- Rep. Eric Cantor: Send Boehner carton of unfiltered Camels (weekly). Option “Young Guns” book to Hollywood. Pitch Lorenzo Lamas to play me in film.
- Terry McAuliffe: Buy Halifax County. Build world’s largest power plant fueled entirely by chicken waste (use old copies of 2009 campaign blueprint as emergency back-up). Cut Ward Armstrong’s brakes.
- Del. Ward Armstrong: Hire voice coach so Northern Virginia swells take me seriously before statewide campaign. Have that “Little Red Hen” video removed from Youtube. Cut Terry McAuliffe’s brakes.
- House Speaker Bill Howell: Pass repeal amendment. Have Armstrong’s “Little Red Hen” video made into TV mini-series. Pitch Christopher Walken for Armstrong role.
- Senate Majority Leader Dick Saslaw: Kill repeal amendment. Retire from Senate to become drummer in KISS tribute band.
- Sen. Jim Webb: Resolve to eventually make resolutions on my own timeline. Maybe.
- DNC Chairman Tim Kaine: Get Jim Webb to make up his damned mind about 2012. Call Mark to see if he can help.
- Sen. Mark Warner: Change phone number.
- Former Sen. George Allen: Finish reading “You Can’t Go Home Again.” Avoid having any campaign events in Breaks, Virginia. Convince Bruce to trade Donovan McNabb for Tim Tebow.
