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As details of President Barack Obama’s plan to transform higher education emerged today, it quickly became clear that the president intends to rescue ‘Big Learning’ in a fashion reminiscent of his salvation of Big Auto and of Wall Street.
In addition to turning Pell Grants into an entitlement program, the president reportedly intends to inject additional billions of dollars in stimulus and bailout funds into an industry “on the verge of a declining rate of increase in annual profits.”
Many schools have struggled to survive on meager double-digit tuition hikes, mere seven- or eight-figure endowment funds and capital campaigns forced to limp along on multimillion dollar gifts from alumni.
“These are tough times,” said Penn State President Graham Spanier, “Like most businesses, we try to get by on what our customers can afford to pay from their government grants and low-interest, government-backed loans. But at the end of the week, I still have to make payroll for everything from the diversity instructors, to the baristas, to the greens keepers at both of our golf courses.”
Insiders say President Obama will “look at the full range of options, from mere nationalization of all schools which accept federal funds, to finding an Italian firm, like Fiat, to buy them out.”
“Heads may roll,” said the White House source. “When it comes to a liberal arts education, for example, the president believes we’ve put too much emphasis on the arts, and not enough on the first part.”
Washington Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world’s leading family-friendly news satire source.
