After decades of sending lost pets to ‘the farm,’ it’s time for the truth
I was 19 when I got my first cat — well, he was the first cat that wasn’t a family pet. He was all mine, and I was his. I had moved from a dorm room to an apartment — another first — and from then on, that sweet, shy, silver-haired gentleman was ever-present as my life took unanticipated dips and turns. More than a few tears made their way into his fur when I cuddled him for comfort.
Through all the years he served as my faithful sidekick (or was it the other way around?), I dreaded life without him. We later introduced another cat to the mix, and I always thought the younger one would help me through the awful emotional turmoil of losing my first cat. Sadly, the younger one died in December and my old-timer died in March. They both had long, happy lives — but it has been a rough year, to say the least.
While I often tried to prepare myself for the loss I always knew was in the cards, I never considered a surprising complicating factor: explaining his passing to my toddler son, who was old enough to notice the cats were gone. Through my grief, I tried to figure out the best way to handle the situation with my son. Should we tell him the cats had gone to be with their mamas and daddies? Been taken to a farm? All the well-meaning cliches we heard as kids swirled through my head. What was the best way?
Turns out, as with everything else, honesty is the best way. My sister-in-law kindly sent me a link to petplace.com, which offers six dos and don’ts for explaining pet loss to a child. Among the tips was the super-helpful breakdown of age groups and how they process death. I learned that my son would miss our cats but would view death as more of a temporary state, such as the falling of leaves in winter and their return in spring.
We used the word “death” and explained that the cats wouldn’t be coming back. He pretty much said, “OK. Can I watch TV?” Over the next few months, my son talked about our kitties like old friends who had moved away. My husband and I grieved.
In a few weeks, it’s likely that we’ll add a few new cats to our household. It will be hard, but also healing.
Unlike my first cat, who always loved me best, these will be family cats. And while I greedily clung to the special bond I had with that first pet, that sweet kitty who also happened to symbolize my independence and the jump-start of my adult life, this will be a relationship I’m happy to share.
Rina Rapuano is the assistant food and wine editor at Washingtonian magazine and a contributing editor for Museum magazine. She has also written for many local and national magazines and newspapers. E-mail her at [email protected].
