Today’s sermon is about hatred. Specifically that wonderful, molten, candidate-upon-candidate intra-party hatred that makes a presidential primary go and go. Most candidates, by nature, hate each other. But over time, each candidate develops two special hatreds, each boiling at an intensity far above the rest. First, there is the rational hatred, as in, “This bastard stands between me and my rightful place as the nominee so this bastard must die.” Then, there is the secret hatred. This is the strongest hatred of all. Often it began as affection and turned very, very dark. The secret hatred is not always rational and is often the mysterious reason late in the race that a candidate suddenly does something – such as endorsing their officially hated candidate – that is hard to understand by standard political calculus. But the real motive is always the same: to punish the secretly hated candidate. With this in mind, let’s look at the field and take a guess at the top hatreds in the race: REPUBLICANS RUDY GIULIANI. Official hatred: John McCain. If he wasn’t running, this would all be a little easier. Secret hatred: Mitt Romney. It’s all about the money and the hair. MITT ROMNEY. Official hatred: Rudy Giuliani. The Big Obstacle in the Plan. Secret hatred: (until recently) Sam Brownback for all the sharp elbows in the early days of the race. Now: Mike Huckabee, for screwing up Iowa after flirting early in the process with endorsing Romney instead of running himself. JOHN MCCAIN. Official hatred: Mitt Romney. “We had a pretty boy like that in my old unit once, and one night I had enough. So Bud and I took some sharp bamboo and we. …” Secret hatred: Rudy Giuliani. It started as love, it became identity theft. FRED THOMPSON. Official hatred: Mike Huckabee. Thompson was supposed to be the late-surging conservative surprise with the folksy twang. Secret hatred: John McCain. “It’s mah turn.” MIKE HUCKABEE. Official hatred: All of the others, what with their fancy money and private jets and polling numbers. Secret hatred: Mitt Romney. “I’m gonna almost knock him out of the race in Iowa, then he’s going to recover in New Hampshire and win and then pick me for VP to cover his Mormon flank in the south and we’ll win against that woman and then he’ll treat me like Arkansas dirt for eight long years in the White House and screw me over in the 2016 primary. God, I hate him.” Democrats are below the fold.DEMOCRATS HILLARY CLINTON. Official hatred: Barack Obama. The gall! So flashy, so smart, so … black. And therefore so maddeningly hard to liquidate in the usual manner. Secret hatred: Bill Clinton. “All I asked for were two successful, non-controversial terms from him, then I …” BARACK OBAMA. Official hatred: John Edwards. No Edwards in Iowa and Obama would get most of that vote and win. Secret hatred: Hillary Clinton. Jive-ass flip-flopper. JOHN EDWARDS. Official hatred: Barack Obama. Same as above, but backwards. Secret hatred: Hillary Clinton. How dare anybody have such naked ambition! BILL RICHARDSON. Official hatred: Hillary Clinton. He’s the resume candidate, but she’s grabbed the experience mantle. Secret hatred: Barack Obama. Black trumps Latino. CHRIS DODD AND JOE BIDEN. Official hatred: Barack Obama. Junior senator, what nerve. Secret hatred: each other.
