Despite the gushing coverage they receive, inaugural balls are never any fun. They’re not glittery, they’re not glamorous, and they’re hardly exclusive (you can purchase an invitation, after all, through Ticketmaster). The Clintons, however, may just set a record for tawdriness. What follows is a guide to the attendees and theft couture. And out-of-towners, don’t forget: Before you buy that special souvenir (“My Daddy Slept in the Lincoln Bedroom and All He Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”), just make sure it was officially endorsed by the Presidential Inaugural Committee — or else.
1. GENERIC DEMOCRATIC GUEST: A trial lawyer, wearing what he thinks Quincy Jones would when accepting a Grammy: deconstructed tuxedo over collarless silk shirt, gold stud in place of the bow tie. AIDS ribbon optional.
2. FRIENDS OF HILLARY
3. THE WHITE HOUSE’S CHINESE-FOOD DELIVERY MAN
4. SOCIETY HOSTESS: Who says the great ladies of Georgetown are dead? This one looks fabulous. By the way, she didn’t like Pamela Harriman any better when she was Pamela Churchill.
5. GUESTS FROM ARKANSAS: The same gown she wore when crowned Little Rock’s Miss Pit Barbecue 20 years ago. He’s wondering why the donkey has stopped rocking on the watch he received for his $ 100 donation to the president’s legal defense fund.
6. FRIENDS OF BILL
7. THE “NIECE”: A few hundred bucks is a small price for a congressman in a safe seat to pay to have such a lovely young companion on his arm. He got her number from Dick Morris.
8. THE LIBERAL PRINT JOURNALIST: Her piece on the event will note the lavish amount spent on festivities while the administration is readying to starve welfare kids.
9. THE BIG CONTRIBUTOR FROM OUT OF TOWN: This elegant fellow has just deplaned from Jakarta to be here. What a tribute to Clinton’s global popularity.
10. THE AMBASSADOR’S WIFE: Her dress recalls the last time her country occupied a leading world role — in the 18th century. Bodice so encrusted with sequins it appears barnacled.
11. THE SLEAZY HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE: Has brought his own but can set up the president anytime, no problem.
12. THE BIG CONTRIBUTOR FROM ANOTHER PLANE: Cheerful Buddhist dispenses wisdom — and cash! Has many generous followers, too!
13. THE NETWORK CORRESPONDENT: Wears cocktail suit during on-air time to maintain appearance of objectivity, but slips into a gown to attend late private party with Bill’n’Hill.
14. THE INDISPENSABLE MAN: Policy adviser, pollster, and presidential aide all in one. Dick Morris made him get rid of the earring.
15. GENERIC DEMOCRATIC POLITICIAN’S WIFE: Still a person in her own right.
16. GENERIC DEMOCRATIC GUEST (FEMALE): Dress bought at Nordstrom’s January sale in a panic, after hearing Laura Dern would be in attendance. Alas, two hundred bucks gets her a fuchsia satin number that threatens to tear down the back when she dances the “Macarena.” Her date, meanwhile, thought he’d brought instructions to the wretched dance, only to discover Dick Cheney’s FBI file in his breast pocket.
17. LOBBYIST FOR TIME-WARNER
18. CONSERVATIVE PARTY GIRL (CRASHING) If Bill Clinton knew these gals were going to grow up to be Republican campaign workers, he’d have changed parties especially since her fierce espousal of family values will for the next ten years be strictly theoretical.
NOTE TO MIKE McCURRY: The preceding was subsidized by a right-wing foundation and first appeared on the Internet.
text by Danielle Crittenden
