IT PROMISED TO BE quite a night as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off mano-a-mano (so to speak) in Hollywood’s Kodak center before a crowd stuffed with Hollywood heavyweights. Chances are, you didn’t watch it because you’re a conservative and you have a life. So, as a pubic service, I not only watched it but kept a painstaking minute-by-minute log so you can feel like you watched it. And if you did watch the debate, you can read on and relive all the fun and excitement that is a Democratic presidential debate.
8:00 — Wolf Blitzer welcomes a raucous and joyous crowd. I for one am overjoyed because Wolf’s presence means Lou Dobbs’ execrable nightly exercise in demagoguery finally has ended. Even with some woman pinch-hitting for an absent Lou, the festivities were still distasteful. The call-in question of the night was “Do you think the increased security presence on the border was long overdue?” I think it was only a little overdue, so I didn’t know whether to answer “yes” or “no.”
8:02 — The candidates stride on to the stage. Hillary chirps an oddly perky “Hi Wolf!” The candidates then stand before the press gaggle applauding for no apparent reason. Maybe they were applauding because they also were delighted that the Lou Dobbs show was over.
8:03 — The camera catches Hillary grinning demonically. All signs point to the delightful, occasionally cackling, sometimes weeping, almost human Hillary Clinton showing up tonight.
8:04 — Wolf promises that the debate will focus on “substantive issues.” We’ll see. They’re also going to take questions from Politico.com readers, so God only knows what will happen. Wolf then concludes his introduction ominously, “The only rules tonight are that there are no rules. Just like Thunderdome!!!” (I made that last part up.)
8:06 — Obama gets to speak first and pays a perfunctory tribute to the fallen candidates. (Alas, poor Kucinich!) He then says that he and Hillary have been and will remain friends. Hillary responds with a withering, sadistic smirk. He then blathers some nonsense about moving forward.
8:08 — Hillary echoes Barack’s declaration of peace, and reasserts that the important thing is that a Democrat wins the general election. She then provides a tedious laundry list of grievances against George W. Bush. She says that it is imperative that we have a president who is ready on day one. Which reminds me, you know who used “Ready On Day One” as a campaign slogan? George H.W. Bush in 1988. For those of you too young to remember, he based this claim on his eight years as First Lady in the Reagan White House.
8:11 — Hillary announces that she believes “passionately” that we must have universal healthcare. Does Hillary hold any views somewhat indifferently? Or is everything an object of her apparently limitless passion?
8:13 — The camera zooms in on Rabbi Marvin Hier, rabbi to the stars. He nods thoughtfully, perhaps thinking of the after-debate party at the Spielberg house.
8:16 — The no-rule thing is turning into a disaster. It feels like Obama has spent hours rambling on about health insurance, the mortgage crisis, and lobbyists. Both candidates have paid tribute to Edwards at an average of about once a minute. If this continues, I’ll be forced to switch over to the Celtics/Mavericks game on TNT.
8:21 — A healthcare question turns to Hillary, and she reminds us that “this is a passionate cause of my public service.” Such passion!!! How could the Democrats not choose her?
8:24 — Hillary says that everyone should do on healthcare “what both John Edwards and I did.” I think if Edwards stayed in the race, he may not have won but he would have gotten the votes of both Obama and Hillary.
8:26 — Obama cites Ted Kennedy’s faith in him as the guy that will get universal healthcare for America.
8:27 — The camera zooms in on Rob Reiner. Meathead nods thoughtfully.
8:29 — Hillary promises to rein in the drug companies. “The health insurance industry,” she warns us, “is extremely clever and extremely well-funded.” She will form a coalition that can withstand it!
8:31 — Some guy from the L.A. Times warns Obama that the Republicans will attack him for planning on raising taxes. Obama assures us that he won’t mind these charges, but his health insurance plan will be mostly paid for by all the wonderful preventative measures that a well motivated and properly insured citizenry will take. He then rushes to fill the void left by John Edwards, and expresses great enthusiasm for sticking it to the rich.
8:34 — The camera zooms in on Jason Alexander, the comic genius who brought George Costanza to life. Alexander nods thoughtfully. He also looks like he may fall asleep. This has been the dullest debate ever. At least the mean Hillary kept things interesting. The sweet Hillary is quite literally too boring to be president.
8:36 — The first half of the debate has centered exclusively on issues that the candidates essentially agree on. The Celtics/Mavericks game is looking more tempting by the minute.
8:38 — Finally, we’re done with health care and soaking the rich. Some Politico reader emails about the negative economic impact that illegal immigration has on the African-American community. Obama starts his answer by citing his experience as a community organizer. He brags about having worked with all types of laid-off minorities, including Asians. He concludes that immigrants are being scapegoated. Somewhere, Lou Dobbs is regretting taking the night off. Obama gets points for this answer in that he deftly dodged a potentially sticky question.
8:41 — Hillary ignores the follow-up question regarding driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, saying she will instead respond to the original question because she thinks “it deserves an answer.” Snap! Illegal immigrants do make it tougher for people to get jobs, she allows. She then invites illegal immigrants out of the shadows and to step before the klieg lights of ordinary citizenship. This round goes to Hillary.
8:45 — Obama mentions Ted Kennedy again.
8:48 — Hillary gets shrill talking about the demagoguery against illegal immigrants. It’s an issue she “takes very personally.” She will fix the broken immigration system by “bringing people together.” She also suggests that Jesus Christ would be on her side. But Jesus, she notes, wouldn’t give illegal immigrants driver’s licenses. (At least that’s what I had in my notes.)
8:51 — Obama points out that Hillary has changed her mind on the driver’s licenses issue. Hillary flashes a little bit of anger. Obama says that we’ll have big differences with the Republicans on this issue. Obama obviously hasn’t been following the Republican race very closely.
8:53 — The debate takes a break. The crowd erupts in a standing ovation. Seriously. More importantly, I get to check out the Celtics game. We’re winning by three with four minutes left in the first half.
8:57 — The debate is back on! Obama is asked why he isn’t the less-experienced candidate. He mentions his community organizing experience. Yawn. He mentions that one of his qualifications is that he’ll “talk straight” to the American people. Double yawn. On the same topic, Hillary mentions her 35 years of experience. Triple yawn. She reminds us that she spent her early adulthood “bringing people together” and helping people “without a voice.” She mentions that she had a great deal of responsibility during her eight years in the White House. She went to 82 countries, and successfully negotiated with those obstinate Macedonians to open their borders. And we all know how Macedonia’s since-opened borders have changed the world.
9:02 — Whoopee! Another question from Politico.com. The camera zooms in on some guy from “The West Wing.” He nods thoughtfully.
9:04 — Asked about Ted Kennedy’s endorsement, Hillary crows that some Kennedys support her, too–three of RFK’s kids. But then she reverses field like a young Mercury Morris and argues that endorsements don’t matter. It’s really about the candidates. Scratch that–she changes her mind again and says it’s really about the American people.
9:08 — Obama brags about bringing in a whole new group of voters. Some anonymous schmo in the crowd nods in agreement and applauds enthusiastically. This is actually Obama’s best moment of the debate so far. It sounds a little like his stump speech. He gets animated when he talks about this post-partisan stuff.
9:10 — The camera zooms in on Pierce Brosnan, the wimpiest James Bond ever. He looks bored.
9:11 — Hillary is asked about the dynastic nature of the Bushes and the Clintons. She says the great thing about America is that everyone is judged on their own merits. Remarkably, she says this with a straight face. She then says that it took a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and it will take another Clinton to clean up after the second Bush. The Hollywood limousine liberals packing the Kodak Center erupt in their loudest applause of the night. Meanwhile, I feel myself warming to John McCain.
9:16 — The conversation turns to who will surrender in Iraq the quickest. Hillary is challenged by one of the panelists that she hasn’t promised a precipitous enough retreat. She says the Iraqi government will have to “make the tough decisions” that they have avoided to date. Obama says we have to set a date to show the Iraqis we mean business. This date can’t be “muddy,” nor can it be “fuzzy.” Interestingly, both of them give themselves enough wiggle room regarding taking care of our Iraqi friends, our embassy, etc., that they’ll be able to blame Bush for a continued presence in Iraq during their 2012 reelection campaign.
9:26 — Hillary is called on to defend her Iraq vote. She claims Bush abused the authority that she voted to give him. Nevertheless, she insists we should be focused on looking forward! Except when we’re talking about the Clinton years when she was jaw-boning those hidebound Macedonians. In her answer, she suggests she has more gravitas than Obama.
9:28 — Wolf asks Obama about David Petraeus’s report that there has been “some progress.” Obama welcomes the progress. He then goes on to disparage with the progress, saying that “we’ve set the bar so low it’s buried in the sand.” He responds to Hillary’s “gravitas” putdown by saying the guy who was against the war from the beginning would by definition have more gravitas. Hillary responds by saying she did an enormous amount of due diligence before casting her vote for war, and that it made sense at the time. Her answer on this matter, given that she’s probably heard this question a hundred times before and knew it was coming tonight, is strangely disjointed and borderline incoherent. It provides one of the few occasions in the evening when a candidate spoke for an extended period of time without the limousine liberal Hollywood set interrupting with raucous applause.
9:34 — Wolf sums up her answer by saying, “What I hear you saying is that you were naïve in trusting President Bush.” Hillary responds, “Good try, Wolf. Good try . . . That is a good try, Wolf.” It was an odd exchange on both ends. Obama mentions that the legislation Hillary supported was titled, “An Authorization to Go to War in Iraq.” He allows that Hillary may be ready on day one, but being right on day one is more important. It is the decisive moment of the debate, and it goes to Obama in a big way. The camera zooms in on a shockingly aged Lou Gossett, Jr., who certainly seems to like Obama’s comments.
9:42 — Obama is asked what he’ll do about all the sex and violence coming out of Hollywood. He says the primary challenge here lies with parents. The camera focuses on an applauding Stephen Spielberg. Fret not, though–Obama also has a governmental solution to this non-crisis: “We” have to give the parents the tools they need to protect their children. He then said Hollywood should be a good citizen on this. The camera captures Rob Reiner. The erstwhile Meathead looks chagrined.
9:45 — Finally! Hillary is asked about Bill. She dismisses the question with a trademark cackle.
9:47 — Wolf offers the final question, observing that many Democrats think Obama and Hillary would be a dream ticket. Hillary cackles again. When Obama makes a lame joke, she cackles for the third time in less than two minutes. These are the only cackles of the debate.
SO, YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING, who won? Sorry, but how should I know what impresses Democrats? What I can tell you is that it was a very mild mannered affair until the conversation got to Iraq, and Obama won that exchange handily. I’m pretty sure that’s an issue that Democratic voters care about quite a bit.
Dean Barnett is a staff writer at THE WEEKLY STANDARD.
