Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at [email protected] or click here.
Dear Matt,
Do you think that Donald Trump is gay?
KP
Whoa. Let’s step back for a second. I generally don’t castigate readers for the questions they ask, since my aim here is to create a space that contains freedom of movement within a loosely structured learning environment. Think of this as Montessori for adults. But I’m not sure I like your unspoken implication. Yes, Donald Trump has played his straight-flush privilege hand, self-identifying as an orange, heterosexual male. But if he made another choice, is that not valid, too? I not only believe in practicing Christian love and tolerance for all of God’s children, no matter their sexual persuasion—I’m also a member of the media. And as we are now in the midst of a cultural and aesthetic Golden Age of Gayness (Golden Gay-ge? I’ll keep working on it), studies show that 94 percent of newsrooms either are gay or are positively sick about it that they aren’t. (Disclosure: I’m fully straight, but estimate that at the current rate of change, I will be gay by 2023.)
That said, I’ll take the question. Over the years, Mr. Trump, as we acolytes call him, has had a few (bi)curious episodes. As he once told the Hollywood Reporter of Caitlyn Jenner: “I knew him a little bit when Bruce was a great athlete. He was one of the best-looking people you’ll ever see.” (Emphasis added.) Those who get paid to be outraged about everything decried Trump as a blatant mis-genderer, a crime now comparable, in some quarters, to pedophilia or puppy-kicking. In doing so, they missed an obvious point. Trump wasn’t even echoing the common refrain of transgender-deniers who hold that a man cannot biologically become a woman, especially while he’s still packing his factory-issue equipment. Rather, Mr. Trump instead sounded crestfallen that his man-crush was transitioning into a woman-crush.
Then there was the time he trashed Arianna Huffington as being “unattractive both inside and out,” adding that “I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.” Was Mr. Trump merely throwing dirt on an ideological foe, while wishing Michael Huffington well, congratulating the latter that he’d found same-sex fulfillment? Or was Trump, perhaps, expressing latent desire to himself travel down the road not taken? To reject icky women for yummy men?
And if Mr. Trump walked down that yummy-man road, who would it be with? Could it, perchance, be with Twilight star Robert Pattinson? On the surface, it wouldn’t seem that they’re a good fit. Pattinson is a waifish, pale vampire, while Trump is a full-figured Person of Orangeness. But clichés become clichés because they’re mostly true: Opposites attract. The heart wants what it wants. And as I detailed earlier this year in a piece on Trump’s Trumpiest moments, when Pattinson and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart, who had been romantically-linked in real life, hit the skids after Stewart’s unfaithfulness, Trump seemed to take an almost unnatural interest.
For weeks, Mr. Trump filled his Twitter page with primal screams concerning Pattinson’s unvoiced pain. Like so many Twitter affairs, it was one-sided, humiliating, and sad. But that didn’t stop Trump, who tweeted: “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again – just watch. He can do much better!” And Trump had a point. I’m no Pattinson scholar, but I imagine that he could’ve scored the hot starlet of his choice. Maybe Margot Robbie, or Nina Dobrev. Or maybe even a real estate tycoon who hosted The Apprentice.
Over the next month, Trump mourned that the Pattinson/Stewart relationship “would never be the same. It is permanently broken.” He cautioned Pattinson, to “be smart, Robert.” Trump let drop that the Miss Universe pageant, which he still owned at the time, would soon be airing and that Pattinson had “an open invite to attend.” Maybe if he had, they could’ve gone back to Mr. Trump’s place afterwards, and looked at some of his etchings.
Pattinson, it should be noted, is now engaged—to a woman.
And in fairness to Mr. Trump, the preponderance of evidence suggests that he comfortably pitches his tent at Camp Hetero, too. He has, after all, been married three times—each time, to a woman. He has expressed a desire to date his own daughter Ivanka, who is also a woman. He even fantasizes about dead celebrities, like Princeess Di (“I would have loved to have had a shot to date her,” he once told NBC), who are, or were, women.
So to answer your question, the chair rules that Donald Trump is (mostly) straight. Unless…we redefine sexuality. Perhaps you’ve noticed that there’s been a bit of that going around lately. In olden days, we all pretty much could agree on two fixed genders. Male and female. Now, Facebook, who semi-officially runs the world, has determined that there are 58 separate gender identity distinctions. Have you ever met a “neutrois,” whatever that is? I haven’t, either. But apparently Mark Zuckerberg has.
So the new gender/sexuality regs are kind of like the old Outback Steakhouse slogan: “No rules, just right.” If there’s that much gender confusion, then it stands to reason that outdated sexuality labels don’t apply, either. Therefore, maybe it’s time to redefine gayness. We used to think of gayness as being, say, the love between two men. But what if the definition of being gay were more self-contained? Just one man in love with himself? In that case, it’s fairly clear: Donald Trump is definitely, unequivocally gay.
Dear Matt,
SENSITIVE AND OFF THE RECORD: I have been approached for a senior position in the Hillary Clinton administration. Should I accept?
William Kristol
Bill, I wrestled with my conscience, such as it is, about publicly outing your email, marked “sensitive and off the record.” Is this a breach of journalism etiquette, plus, a stupid thing to do to a man who could fire me faster than the Clintons killed Ron Brown? Yes, probably. But I’m a patriot first, a loyal WEEKLY STANDARD employee, second.
Besides, if you really think about it, there are no secrets and lies in Hillary World. Just lies. The secrets are getting regularly dumped onto the internet by Julian Assange, thus rendering them un-secret. So it’s only a matter of time until he winds around to your correspondence. I’m just saving the poor albino shut-in a little effort. He’s a very busy man.
We’ve always shot straight, so I’m going to level with you. I don’t know if it’s right for you to go into the Hillary Clinton administration, assuming she wins, as I’m not sure what position she wants you to fill. As of this writing, you’ve now tweeted 9,034 times in less than two years, which might qualify you as Secretary of Social Media. Or maybe if Hillary likes you enough, she’ll have you reopen the consulate in Benghazi. Don’t worry, man. She’s got your back. (FYI – there’s a Labor Day sale on blast curtains at Linens-N-Things.)
All I can say is you’ve been a great boss, and I’d truly hate to see you go. Sure, we haven’t always agreed on everything. I might not have fully caught the vision of you nominating David French to become the leader of the free world. (One bone to pick on that: If you were so hell-bent on drafting a semi-obscure magazine writer to become president of the United States, don’t you already have a masthead full of those? Did we really need to go the National Review route? What’s wrong with Steve Hayes? He’s bright, articulate, and has nearly 250,000 Twitter followers, as he’ll tell anyone who listens, and even those who won’t.)
But never mind that. It would pain me for you to leave. We’ve had a lot of laughs. Some tears, too. (See Sarah Palin.) But if you feel that as a fellow patriot, it is your duty to un-Obamify our country and to join Hillary Clinton, Obama’s Secretary of State, who has in no uncertain terms vowed to Make America Mediocre Again, then I say follow your heart. Just as Hillary would hers, if she had one.
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at [email protected] or click here.
