You’d think that the instincts that propel politicians to success would also instill in them some basic common sense. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. If members of Congress lack the good sense to read bills before voting on them (Exhibit A: Obamacare), how can you be surprised when they get caught sending obscene photographs to strangers over the Internet? That was Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner’s especial foible, but recent congressional history suggests that neither he nor his political party have a monopoly on the stupidity and moral corruption that go together so well in Washington.
There is a glorious and fairly recent history of Republican flameouts that includes such names as Chris Lee, Larry Craig, Ed Schrock and John Ensign, all now former members of Congress.
Perhaps we should take the recent rash of congressional exits-in-disgrace as the sign of an unmet need. Congressmen cannot be counted on to be honest or faithful. But maybe someone could help them by jotting down a few basic tips for making a life of taxpayer-funded debauchery more manageable.
It would contain important lessons taken from recent members of Congress — luminaries like Eric Massa, D-N.Y., and Mark Foley, R-Fla. Of course, most ordinary people already know not to play “pile-on” or “tickle-fight” with their employees, or to send salacious IMs to interns. But now, members of Congress will have a handy guide to remind them.
Some important caveats will apply especially to married men in political life:
» DON’T choke your mistress. (The very important “Don Sherwood Rule,” which must never be broken.)
» DON’T use campaign funds to pay off your mistress.
» DON’T call your mistress to bail you out of jail after you get arrested for DUI. (The indispensable “Fossella Rule.”)
» DON’T appear in videos with your mistress promoting abstinence education. (“The Souder rule,” guaranteed to save you lots of embarrassment later.)
To these classic admonitions, Weiner’s experience gives us a few more that apply to the unique perversions of the digital age:
» DON’T ever take pictures of your private parts.
» In the event that you cannot resist the urge to take pictures of your private parts, DON’T send them to strangers on the Internet.
» If, for some reason, you find yourself hitting “send,” then first make sure you DON’T hit the wrong button and send it to your 45,000 followers on Twitter by accident.
» If, for some reason, you realize you just sent not-safe-for-work pictures of your anatomy to everyone in America, just fess up immediately. DON’T spend the next week acting like you were a victim of some dark conspiracy.
Unfortunately, by the time the average morally corrupt congressmen reads this, he will have already broken one or more of these rules. It could already be too late to save his soul — or, more importantly, his political career. But at the very least, he can take a few steps to mitigate the damage:
» DON’T call a 4 p.m. Monday press conference to discuss a scandal. This is a good way to make sure you lead the evening news and become the story of the week.
» DON’T be late to your own teary-eyed press conference. Because Andrew Breitbart will be there on time.
» Keep it short and DON’T answer questions afterward. Otherwise, you might start saying things like “Well, the recipients probably weren’t 12-year-olds. At least, to the best of my knowledge.”
» Consider claiming that you have an alcohol, drug or mental problem. Weiner did not do this, but Foley and former Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., both got a lot of mileage from this one. Downside: It doesn’t work as well unless you plan to quit public life.
There is an alternative. It’s called living a life you’re not ashamed of. It requires much less memorization of rules. But let’s be honest — it’s not something most politicians can probably handle.
David Freddoso is The Examiner’s online opinion editor. He can be reached at [email protected].
