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“For most patients, over-the-counter Cheerios provides plenty of cholesterol-busting power,” said an unnamed General Mills spokesman. “However, those with advanced heart disease should consider prescription-strength Cheerios, which we’ll market under the brand name ‘Cheeriox’.”
“Of course, as with any medication, you should ask your doctor if Cheeriox is right for you,” he said. “Notify your doctor immediately if you develop abdominal pain, or discomfort; nausea; unexplained weight gain; swelling, milk retention or dripping from your chin as these could be signs of serious side effects.”
Experts believe that the medical breakfast cereal segment is poised to boom in the coming years, as manufacturers pour research and development dollars into prescription products like Captain Crunch with Lipitor Berries, Frosted Tamiflu Wheats,Crestor Puffs and Honey Nut Celebrex.
However, Dr. Steven Sundloff, head of the FDA’s Center for Food Safety, said the approval process for each of these could take years, following animal testing and human trials.
In the meantime, he warned Americans not to “play doctor with potentially hazardous off-bran remedies”, or to be lured into traveling to Mexico or other countries where so-called ‘breakfast clinics’ already offer experimental Pop-Tarts and Carnation Instant Breakfast in dosages which will never be legal in the U.S..
In related news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly expressed support for amending a marijuana-legalization bill to include hallucinogenic Fruit Loops, now sold in Ziploc bags for $10 on the streets of San Francisco.
Washington Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world’s leading family-friendly news satire source.
