From this point forward, we will refer to the endless, stupid, convoluted “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” by its more apt title, “Pirates 3: At Wit’s End.”
This is the third of the third retreads in a row in the thus far disappointing summer blockbuster season of 2007. But Hollywood’s latest attempt to lazily cash in on an established movie brand makes the underwhelming “Spider-Man 3” and “Shrek the Third” look like masterpieces of artistry and subtlety by comparison.
The mystifyingly popular “Pirates” franchise reaches a crowd-pandering nadir with this nearly three-hour theme park ride that never passes for a movie. It’s brought to you by the same creative team that previously fooled the public into believing that the offbeat presence of enormous talent Johnny Depp could make up for basics like structured storytelling, internal logic and any character development beyond Depp’s.
But I don’t blame fiendish producer Jerry Bruckheimer (leading the charge for the collapse of our culture on screens large and small), his henchman director Gore Verbinski or their minions for serving up another boatload of bull-crap exposition as a mere excuse for the special effects-ridden action/farcesequences.
No, I blame you, Mr. and Mrs. Multiplex American, for making the first and second “Pirates” installments record-breaking smash hits at the box office. And you’ll get more creatively choreographed, utterly empty spectacle in today’s “At Wit’s End.”
It’s at this point in the review that I would normally outline the plot. But how can I?
In a recent article for Entertainment Weekly magazine, even Bruckheimer and the actors essentially admit that it’s too confusing to explain. How pointless that publicists for this picture gave a handout requesting that critics “not reveal the outcome of the many plot twists!”
Amid all the mixed-up motivations, here’s the most I understood: Playfully infighting pirate good guys — trippy Jack Sparrow (Depp), plucky Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), hollow hottie Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and gritty Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) — face off against the bad guys including the East India Company’s greedy Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) and the literally heartless squid-man Davy Jones (Bill Nighy).
Hope I’m not giving anything away here — as if a calculating commercial product like this could even have a sacrosanct narrative — but I’ll just give you one guess who wins.
The overhyped new additions to the franchise are Chow Yun-Fat, barely registering as an Asian pirate lord, and Keith Richards. The legendary Stones stoner, who was the notorious inspiration for Depp’s once original but now worn-out rascal persona here, appears in exactly two scenes.
But the masses will surely go see this slick bit of rubbish in any case.
So what can I say? It’s your 10 bucks.
‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End’
1/5 stars
Starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom
Director: Gore Verbinski
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action/adventure violence and some frightening images
