WITH FLU SEASON UPON US, millions of Americans have rushed to their immunologists, hoping to avoid the cruel bite of the Moscow, New Caledonia, or Hong Kong strains of the influenza virus that are prevalent this year. But no matter the precautions, these doctors can do nothing to stave off the most insidious airborne pathogen to take root since the 1968 pandemic that claimed 34,000 American lives. For it is already here. And we have all suffered exposure. It is nothing less than the J. Lo virus.

Whether you call her Jen, Jenny, J, J. Lo, The Butt, Jennifer Lopez, or, as she is known in my house, “that nattering cow who won’t get off my TV,” the actress/singer/restaurateur/fashion designer/serial divorcée has gone from highly visible to inescapable. Even those who don’t take deep, shameless drafts of disposable pop culture, as I do, cannot avoid her influence.