I’m as open-minded as the average American, but when I read that the public school system in my hometown, Palo Alto, Calif., was considering adopting a “Mandarin Immersion” program, I admit I was foursquare against the idea. Pardon my ignorance, but how is some new-age fad like being dipped in orange slices supposed to help children learn anything? And where does it end?

“OK, kids, today we’re going to start with mandarin immersion, followed by algae body wraps, apricot facial scrubs and aromatherapy treatments. Then, when you’re all fully exfoliated, detoxified and hydrated, we’ll go over your fractions homework.”