Hordes of tweens would OMG die for Robert Pattinson to nibble on their virgin necks. As the mysterious Edward Cullen, he’s the hottest vampire to suck blood on the silver screen since Brad Pitt’s Louis de Pointe du Lac.
But for moviegoers who can get into a R-rated movie without a fake ID, the sexual tension Pattinson conjures in the romantic thriller between he and co-star Kristen Stewart, as Bella the 17-year-old new girl in town, doesn’t save “Twilight.”
Based on Stephenie Meyer’s New York Times bestselling young adult series, the hyped teen flick, set among romanticized, moss-blanketed Washington state forests and entertaining high school cliques, suffers from a few major flaws — including a lack of real conflict. For instance, Bella meets Edward’s vampire family, but as “vampire vegetarians” who only eat animals, they won’t kill her.
While younger “Twilight” fans gush, giggle and text themsleves songs from the soundtrack to download, the movie’s problems pile up. “Twilight” seems at times more like a parody of itself than the real thing, spends too much time arriving at any thrilling action and emphasizes melodramatic exchanges.
Relish some particularly over-the-top dialogue: “What if I’m not the hero? What if I’m … the bad guy,” “You are my life now!” and in response to Bella’s lines “I know what you are. Your skin is pale white and ice-cold. You don’t go out in the sunlight!,” the ultimate eye-roller from Edward, “Say it, out loud. Say it!”
Of course he wants her to call him a vampire. She does and isn’t afraid of him, but he’s not sure he can control his primal urge around her yet loves her, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Enter a trio of vampire vagrants who, unlike Edward’s family, do kill humans. After feeding on locals, the three, who look like extras from a ’70s version of “Rent,” come across Edward’s family playing baseball. One crazy vamp then gets hot for Bella’s blood and Edward must protect her.
Feigning for blood is a metaphor for adolescent lust throughout the entire movie all the way to the end when Bella wants “it,” that is for Edward to turn her into a vampire — on prom night, of course.
The flick, so bad it’s good, finishes with a hint to a sequel. I’m sure fans will get one if the original pulls in enough allowances and mall store paychecks.
‘Twilight’
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» Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke and Peter Facinelli
» Director: Catherine Hardwicke
» Rated: PG-13
» Running Time: 2 hours and
» minute
