IT’S NOT DIFFICULT to find blog posts analyzing yesterday’s lively Republican presidential debate. In other quadrants of the blogosphere, you can easily locate tons of purple pixels lauding the Red Sox’ magnificent pennant clinching victory last night. But only here at THE DAILY STANDARD, thanks to the miracle of the DVR (we live in an age of wonders!), can you read a report card that grades all of the major performers from both of last night’s big events.
TOP OF THE CLASS:
Dustin Pedroia, A+; Dustin Pedroia is a “little engine that could” of a second baseman. Red Sox fans have grown immensely fond of him over the course of the season. I especially like his little nervous tic where he opens his mouth up as wide as it will go when he steps out of the batter’s box. On a team full of out-sized figures making a zillion dollars, there’s something supremely satisfying about seeing the diminutive 2nd baseman with no speed emerge as the evening’s hero. (By the way, I’m not kidding about the “no speed” thing. I bet Hillary Clinton could beat Pedroia in a footrace around the bases.)
Fred Thompson, A; What happened? Did Fred take my advice and substitute triple espressos for his normal decaf? Was he taking Red Bull intravenously under the podium? Whatever the case, I assume this was the guy the Fred-Heads thought they signed up to support lo those many months ago.
Mike Huckabee, A; This grade represents a combination of his performance at the Values Voter’s Conference and the debate. I never pictured any of the bottom tier guys moving up to the top tier. I was wrong. Huckabee’s in the top tier and quite frankly, he has a much better shot at the nomination than purported fellow top-tier member John McCain.
Hideki Okajima, A; The unheralded Japanese import currently pitching for the Red Sox, Okajima cost the Sox about $98 million less than Dice-K. And he saved last night’s game when his overpriced countryman faltered.
People who don’t root for the Red Sox probably don’t know about the 3-0 lead jinx. In Game 7 of the 1975 World Series, Game 7 of the 1986 World Series, and Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS against the Yankees, the Sox held 3-0 leads. In each game, they had about 43 chances to expand that lead and kicked them all away. They wound up losing each game in excruciating fashion.
Last night, the Red Sox had a 3-0 lead and turned the game into a living tribute to former Sox star Jim Rice, snuffing out rally after rally with back-breaking double play grounders. Everything looked awful, even before Lugo muffed the pop-up. And then Okie rode to the rescue.
Kevin Youklis, A; The best Jewish first baseman since Rod Carew. (Carew wasn’t really Jewish, although Adam Sandler convinced a generation of kids that he was.)
Jonathon Papelbon, A; Only the Red Sox could produce someone like Papelbon, the league’s best closer who also specializes in deliriously obnoxious victory celebrations. As a Sox fan, you feel better when he enters the game. And something tells me that his dancing will enrage Sox-haters across the nation, which makes his cutting a rug all the more pleasing to Sox fans.
NOTHING TO HANG THEIR HEADS ABOUT
Mitt Romney, B+; A really strong night for my candidate of choice. He stuck to what he does best. He spoke encyclopedically about the issues and maintained a cheery optimism which, believe it or not, is no act. Also, as Warren Zevon would say, his hair was perfect.
The latter factor should not be underestimated. John Kerry became a serious threat to President Bush only when he ditched the foppish hairstyle he had worn for his entire adult life and got groomed like a proper grownup. If there’s one candidate in this race who doesn’t need slicked back Gordon Gekko hair, it’s Romney.
Rudy Giuliani, B; Yet another quality effort from America’s mayor. I think Rudy has pretty much moved into the “fixed quality” stage of his campaign. By now, everyone knows him, and everyone knows whether they like him or not. Rudy’s place in the Republican party’s affections is for the most part fixed, and he’s the frontrunner. It’s up to the other guys to pass him.
Cleveland Indians, B; This may not console anyone in Cle-town, but your boys gave every true Red Sox fan a heart attack last night. They hung tough, especially considering they had already lost their 3-1 series lead.
Duncan Hunter, B; I’ve said the same thing about every Duncan Hunter debate performance: He comes across great, but he’s not a serious contender for the presidency.
Sam Brownback, B; His best debate performance yet!
BACK OF THE CLASS:
Daisuke Matsuzaka C-; I’m completely sanguine about my teams overpaying their players. It’s not my money, and ticket prices are set to meet demand; in spite of team press releases to the contrary, ticket prices have nothing to do with payroll. In other words, if Sox owner John Henry wanted to use his hedge fund zillions to pay his first-base coach $15 million/yr., it wouldn’t bother me.
So I judge Dice-K (and J.D. Drew and Julio Lugo and all the other guys the Red Sox overpay) based solely on their on-field performances. Right now, Dice-K is a mediocre pitcher. He may someday be great, but I’m unwilling to break out the party-hats and horns just because a starting pitcher made it through five innings without a major catastrophe occurring.
John McCain, C-; I have long earned the enmity of McCain supporters with my analyses of his campaign. I see no reason to stop now. Yes, he had the line of the campaign last night when he spoke about the Woodstock Museum. He got laughs and a standing ovation, both well deserved.
But the laughs and the standing-o came partly because he’s no longer a serious candidate. He’s a great American who served his country heroically, but there’s no way he’s getting the Republican nomination for president.
There also should have been laughs when he said that he’s been a steady conservative in the senate. If a guy who created McCain/Feingold, voted against the Bush tax-cuts, brokered the Gang of 14 monstrosity, and attempted to midwife an atrocious immigration “compromise” with Ted Kennedy four months ago qualifies as a consistent conservative, I’d hate to see what an inconsistent conservative looks like.
McCain’s negatives are set in virtual concrete. He has no chance of turning around the legions of Republicans who constitute the vast majority of the party that he has spent the past seven years infuriating. Thus, he campaigns as a nostalgia act. McCain’s too-numerous-to-count “My friends” and his attacks on other candidates no longer matter. When he gets off a good line, we all feel good for him because the old warrior deserves some feel-good moments from his last big-time campaign. And when he’s awkward or outright embarrassing, it doesn’t really matter because he has no chance of winning anyway.
Joel Skinner, F; It’s not often a third-base coach can cost his team a game, although lord knows Don Zimmer tried when he was coaching third base for the Red Sox. Skinner may have pulled the trick last night by holding Kenny Lofton in the 7th inning when he would have scored without a throw. Personally, I think it was the Curse of Hugh Hewitt that destroyed the Indians and caused Skinner’s inexplicable mental error.
Ron Paul, F-; Seriously, what’s gone wrong with Ron Paul? He used to be a semi-serious figure. Now he’s acting like he didn’t notice 9/11. Doesn’t he realize that there are people determined to attack America and who will do so in increasingly lethal fashion unless we “intervene”? And what’s up with all the ranting? Have you noticed how he’s begun to rant every answer, and that he’s apparently no longer capable of normal speech patterns? When Emerson said “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,” I’m pretty sure he was talking about Ron Paul.
Dean Barnett is a staff writer at THE WEEKLY STANDARD.
