Would you be surprised to learn that most librarians, despite their fuddy duddy reputation, are actually wild party animals who only wear those frumpy high-collared shirts to hide all their hickeys and tattoos?
Of course you would, but not as surprised as the librarians themselves, who would probably start wondering what crazy piercings are hiding beneath those seasonally themed sweaters their coworkers are always wearing.
The truth, of course, is that librarians are typically not epic partiers, which may explain why Paris Hilton is rarely mistaken for one. Still, not all librarians fit the stereotype of prim, bookish scolds whose idea of an exciting evening involves trying on new neckchains for their bifocals. The stereotype lives on, however, and for proof one only needs to point to the “Librarian Action Figure” sold in the Archie McPhee catalog.
Yes, that’s right, the humble librarian, following in the footsteps of Barbie, G.I. Joe and the New Kids on the Block, has finally been immortalized in hard plastic. Except that, sadly, the librarian doll lacks Barbie’s perfect figure, as well as G.I. Joe’s legendary kung fu grip. Instead, the librarian doll is, predictably, outfitted in dowdy spectacles, a cardigan sweater and sensible shoes and features, according to the packaging, “Amazing push-button shushing action!”
As if such a doll weren’t insulting enough, every Christmas season librarians have to endure the humiliation of repeated showings of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Sure, the film is mostly unobjectionable, except for the part when Jimmy Stewart’s character, George Bailey, sees what life would be like for his wife, Mary, if he had never existed. Without George around she is consigned to a woeful spinster’s life as — you guessed it — a librarian. Who can forget George’sanguished cries to the angel Clarence over Mary’s fate?
George: “Clarence, tell me it isn’t true!”
Clarence: “It is true, George. Mary’s a librarian.”
George: “No, Clarence! Tell me she’s dead. Or a prostitute. Or even a dead prostitute. But not a librarian!”
Note that I’m working from memory here, so I may have the dialogue a bit off.
The other big problem librarians face is that they have very few options for enforcing the rules.
Patron: “An overdue book? Oh no, I’d better return it right away or the mean library lady might charge me another whole nickel!”
Realistically, the only lever available to librarians has been the power of the condescending tone, the way they can accept your overdue fee with a raised eyebrow that communicates, in no uncertain terms, “Two weeks late returning ‘Who Moved My Cheese?,’ eh? Sure, I mean, who can read a 50-page book in less than a month?”
Now, however, librarians have a new champion in Anderson, S.C., library security guard James Turner, who last week reportedly followed a woman trying to exit the library with a book that had not been checked out. Thinking quickly, Turner chased the woman into the parking lot and, as she attempted to drive away, pulled his gun and fired an unknown number of shots into the driver’s side door.
Now I’m sure all the liberal do-gooders will be up in arms, eager to label Turner’s use of potentially lethal force for possession of an unchecked-out library book “excessive.” I will leave that debate to legal scholars. My point is that librarians should seize this moment to declare that it’s time for the stereotypes, the attitude and the wanton flouting of posted “Quiet, please” signs to end — or else.
Only then will our nation’s embattled librarians start earning the respect — and fear — they deserve. We’ll know the old stereotype is dead for sure when the next “Librarian Action Figure” edition is released, this time featuring kung fu grip.
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner credits all his success in life to a detailed understanding of the Dewey Decimal System.
