There had been concerns about whether the writer’s strike would affect this season’s installment of “Idol Chatter.” I placed a call to the folks at the Writer’s Guild of America and learned the following: No. 1: They had never heard of me before; No. 2: My bosses likely would not accept the strike as sufficient reason to avoid writing this column; No. 3: I needed to grow up soon and start writing in a big-boy voice about big-boy issues; and No. 4: The strike has already ended.
So, strike up the band: Scott Fuller’s “Idol Chatter” has returned for another season. (Of course, if you haven’t caught wind of all the Super Tuesday talk, you’ve likely been living under a rock anyway.) We’re here twice a week for three weeks, then once a week beginning March 11, when we’re down to the Top 12.
I’d love to keep up the small talk, but let’s get right to it.
CHIKEZIE EZE, 22
The headline writers of the world are pulling for this Luther Vandross-esque crooner, who’ll make their jobs Chikezie like Sunday morning.
Turn up or tune out: I like his attitude already, but it’s pretty Chikezie to see this guy’s not going to make it to the last dance. Tune out.
COLTON BERRY, 18
» Staunton, Va.
My college buddy who is from Staunton grudgingly admitted the cow population may outnumber the humans. Apparently things really took off for Colton when he outsang Bessie for the coveted County Fair Blue Ribbon. Moo!
Turn up or tune out: I think I saw Colton on “Wedding Crashers” as Christopher Walken’s sullen, detached son, who crushed on Vince Vaughn. (The boy’s talent was in painting, not singing.) I think Colton’s one of the two goners this week. Tune out.
DANNY NORIEGA, 18
» Azusa, Calif.
Princess Danny is beautiful. He’s got lovely eyes. Gorgeous hair. Stunning figure. I bet people tell him he looks like Jessica Alba all the time. Really.
Turn up or tune out: Danny is oddly interesting enough that he just may stick around for a spell. Turn up.
DAVID ARCHULETA, 17
» Murray, Utah
David is young, good-looking, polite and sweet-speaking. Doesn’t it just make you want to puke? Me too.
Turn up or tune out: You already read his resume. David has the pedigree to last in this competition. Turn up.
DAVID HERNANDEZ, 24
In Wednesday’s episode, Simon had some friendly but unexpectedly tough criticism of David, who had been one of my favorites in the early rounds. (Yes, I actually watched a couple.) Now, I’ve dialed down my expectations.
Turn up or tune out: David needs some edge, but he finished near the top of the Scott Fuller Preseason Poll thanks to a nice rendition of “Love the One You’re With.” Turn up.
GARRETT HALEY, 17
» Elida, Ohio
“Pour some sugar on me!” If big, ’80s-rocker hair is your thing, Garrett is your mother lode.
Turn up or tune out: I don’t remember hearing Garrett sing. But he’s an Ohio boy, so he has my unwavering support. Turn up.
JASON CASTRO, 20
» Rockwall, Texas
Jason already has the cool Bob-Marley-hair-thing going for him, plus the kind of Cal Ripken-like steely blue eyes that are both intoxicating and terrifying at the same time.
Turn up or tune out: I think Jason carries through on the “I’m just going to vote for the hottest guy” female vote. Turn up.
DAVID COOK, 25
» Blue Springs, Mo.
Simon tore David down when he (very accurately) noted that David would look pretty naked on stage without his guitar. He did, and he will.
Turn up or tune out: My scorecard shows three Davids. Someone’s gotta go. Sorry, bro. Tune out.
JASON YEAGER, 28
» Grand Prairie, Texas
Things that annoy me about Jason: No. 1: The blond streak in the front of his hair; No. 2: His general attitude, speaking voice, enthusiasm, etc. Let’s go ahead and just stop here.
Turn up or tune out: Fans of this space know I love criers. And Jason’s been weepy. Which will make it all the more fun when he gets eliminated this week. Tune out.
LUKE MENARD, 29
I’m scrambling through my notes here and can’t find anything on this Luke character. That means he’s either forgettable or mysterious. It’s not a good sign, but you be the judge.
Turn up or tune out: The jury’s out here until this guy performs again. I’ll go with my gut and say he survives this week but not much longer. Tune out.
MICHAEL JOHNS, 29
Cool-as-a-cucumber Michael had the cojones to tackle Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I expected disaster. It was pretty darn good.
Turn up or tune out: Michael has one of those sexy Aussie accents. I have got to get me one of those. He’s a front-runner. Turn up.
ROBBIE CARRICO, 26
Former boy-bander-turned-rocker Robbie has the unique look that may carve him out a segment of devoted fans. Can the dude sing, though, or is he gonna get pitchy, dogg?
Turn up or tune out: Save a poor showing, I think Robbie’s safe this week. Fox’s Web site says he does impressions. I am eagerly awaiting this — with jokes in the wings. Turn up.
Each week, Scott Fuller breaks down the sinkers and swimmers on “American Idol.” Sound off: [email protected].
