The supper party was a small one, and it was a weeknight. The hostess was chic and understated in black sweater, rolled jeans, and trendy flats. Some men and women had come from their offices, and wore subdued but elegant professional attire. One woman had on a wrap dress and patent-leather sandals. People were chatting and sipping glasses of wine when the door opened and a glamorous and much-admired mutual friend swept in.
She looked dazzling, clad as she was in a silky wrap and a vibrant maxi dress, and little cries of appreciation could be heard throughout the room. Thus it was rather startling when the friend’s greeting turned into reproach.
“Look at you,” she softly scolded no one in particular, “Jeans? I can hardly believe it. Only one person” – she indicated the wrap-dressed woman – “has made any effort at all!”
Several people exchanged glances. Actually, everyone had made an effort; it just hadn’t had been the one their friend expected to see.
Immediately the intensity of conversation rose, as if by collective instinct, so as to seal over the momentary social rift. Whatever chagrin people might have felt inside, within moments, the awkwardness had passed and the party continued to its cheerful and successful conclusion.
But the incident raises an interesting question. Is it ever appropriate publicly to reprimand another adult about his or her attire?
After all, people who are in public are already dressed. Even if they are secretly cringing (“I’m the only one in sequins!” or “Why didn’t I wear a tie?”) they’re not really in a position to change.
At the same time, the manner in which other people are dressed does affect how we ourselves feel. Slouchy attire can look like a lack of respect for one’s fellows or indeed for oneself.
If standards are slipping – as the glamorous friend seemed to think – doesn’t someone need to pull them back up again?
Undoubtedly so. Yet it’s a delicate business, even when it’s done privately. However much husbands, wives, or friends might wish those around them to spruce up, it can be risky and offensive to say it out loud.
A friend of mine remembers how, in the early weeks after her wedding, she made a point of luxuriating late into the mornings. With her bed-tousled hair and soft, cozy dressing gown, she felt that she represented all that was delicious and pleasing in newlywed life.
So she was more than a little aghast when her new husband sat her down and asked if she could please make a bit of effort and get dressed before lunch.
“It’s slatternly to lie around until noon in your bathrobe,” she remembers him saying.
Even now the memory makes her wince, she says. Suddenly she saw herself anew. Rather than being sultry and inviting, she was showing herself as lazy, unkempt, and degenerate.
In retrospect, she says she’s glad her husband spoke plainly, and early: “Otherwise I might never have mended my slatternly ways. And then where would we be?”
Meghan Cox Gurdon’s column appears on Sunday and Thursday. She can be contacted at [email protected].
