News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.
Obama administration pay czar Kenneth R. Feinberg announced today that, in addition to severely slashing paychecks of top executives at firms which the federal government bailed out, he would also limit them to a single daily trip to the “all you can eat” buffet in the company cafeteria.
Feinberg, the Treasury Department official tasked with revitalizing the executive head-hunter industry by setting pay rates at bailed-out financial firms, said, “Americans have little tolerance for corporate fat cats who feed at the public trough, and then make two, sometimes three trips, to the buffet for soup, salad, vanilla pudding and whatnot.”
The pay czar noted that security videos screened recently at the Treasury Department have revealed executives “caught red-handed in schemes to double-dip, as well to use the larger entree plates in the dessert sector of the buffet.”
“When it says ‘All You Can Eat’, apparently these greedy bosses think that ‘you’ implies an individual right, rather than a collective one,” Feinberg said. “As everyone knows, the pie is limited. If the executive takes two slices, that means less pie for everyone else.”
Feinberg is reportedly mulling other options to adequately express public outrage at multimillion dollar compensation packages for leaders of companies which took taxpayer cash. Among the most popular proposals, the pay czar will consider limiting trips to the restroom, restricting access to job-search websites and Facebook during work hours, and forcing high-paid executives to walk about among the rank-and-file employees wearing a placard that says “Kick Me I’m a Capitalist.”
“The bourgeoisie are finally getting their comeuppance,” said Feinberg. “Now that the proletariat has seized the means of production, and ceded control to government apparatchiks like me, the party can ensure compliance with all egalitarian regulations.”
After all, Feinberg added, “what’s good for the party is good for the nation…if you’ll forgive the redundancy.”
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world’s leading family-friendly news satire source.
