Britney Spears
As far as we’re concerned, Brit’s 2010 resolution should be to just keep up the good work! If the pop princess continues toeing the line — and racking up hits — like she did in ’09, the world will forget all about that long-ago nasty business with the “ychiatric-psay ard-way.” Oh, and one more suggestion: Wear a bra every day. Please.
Kanye West
It’s pretty obvious what we’re going to suggest to Kanye: Eat right, jog regularly and floss after every meal. Kidding! Seriously, though, dude: Do less drinking and more thinking before you speak in public.
Justin Timberlake
Dump Jessica Biel for Andy Samberg. No, wait, hear us out — we don’t mean romantically, of course. It’s just that you look so glum when you step out with J.B., whereas when you guest on “SNL,” you radiate glee. Couldn’t you leave your girlfriend in L.A. and move to NYC to become a regular cast member? (Granted, we’re biased by the fact that your onscreen appearances coincide with the only times the show doesn’t suck.)
Jude Law and Sienna Miller
Resolve to take things sloooooow in your rekindled romance. We believe you two truly do have some kind of connection … but you also don’t have the best track records, either individually or together. Good luck, kids!
John Mayer
The sensitive singer-songwriter has already made the 2010 resolution we’d have chosen for him: Take a break from dating, especially high-profile women. But while he’s at it, we’d also like him to lay off dissing the ones he’s loved and left.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
We’re not big on the whole daily gratitude-affirmation thing, but we’d like to see these two get into the habit of listing what they’re thankful for. C’mon, guys — teen angst is one thing, but you act like being young, hot, famous and in love is a fate worse than death (or, er, undeadness). Leave the brooding to Bella and Edward, and try to crack a smile once the cameras stop rolling, ’K?
Jennifer Aniston
Jen, resolve in 2010 to incorporate these two words into your vocabulary: “No comment.” To put it another way, now that we’re coming up on five years since you and Brad Pitt split, just stop talking about him and Angie, or how you’re the poster child for scorned single women. Yes, we understand interviewers keep asking about it. But you don’t have to answer! You’re famous — see how that works?
Angelina Jolie
Go a year — just one — without giving birth to, adopting or otherwise acquiring a single baby. We know you’re Superwoman and all, but between attending premieres and saving the world, do you really have enough time for the six kids you already have?
Lady Gaga
Obviously, you’ve ignored our entreaties to put on a pair of pants. It’s a look — we get it. But at the very least, could you refrain from wearing outfits that look like they might poke somebody else’s eye out? (That goes for you too, Rihanna.)
Tiger Woods
Look, here’s what you need to do this year: Work on your personal issues (with or without Elin) and return to playing golf sooner rather than later. Sure, the pundits like to wring their hands and wag their fingers at your moral failings, but the PGA, Nike and countless other sponsors can’t afford that. Hey, we’re in a recession here — the sport needs Tiger!
Kitty Raymond is an entertainment writer and astrologer. She welcomes feedback at [email protected].
