You?ve been dating each other a long time. He?s got his Star Wars DVD collection atop her TV, she?s got her winter clothes in his closets. It?s good, it?s right, it?s time … for florists and caterers and pass Aunt Sally a Kleenex, she?s crying again. You?re going to the chapel and you?re gonna get married … maybe. This week, Joan and Dan ponder whether marriage is for everyone.
DAN: The laws of probability, averages, heck, gravity for that matter, would likely rule out the possibility that every single human being on the face of the earth has a soulmate. Some human beings are just loners and prefer a life on their own. Of course, we all know someone, a friend or relative, who you want to hang a sign around that says, “Don?t marry this person. Whines for no apparent reason, likes to sing showtunes while gargling.”
JOAN: You pose two questions here: Is there just one person for everyone? And how do you know if it?s the right person? I do believe in destiny, that there is a predetermined mate for you. You may marry and divorce that person or turn him or her away for various reasons, and you may also marry other people because we have free will. As for the second question, how do you know if it?s the right one? I like Scott Peck?s definition of love here. Do you love that person enough that you want what?s best for his or her spiritual growth, even if it interferes with your own personal goals?
DAN: Destiny is a town in New Jersey. I sat around for 28 years waiting for destiny to land Ms. Right on my doorstep. Never happened. I had to go out and make it happen, and that?s pretty much the recipe for life. Everyone is constantly changing. The woman who is my destiny today wouldn?t be tomorrow, nor I for her. As for who is the right one, those couples I know that have successful relationships say it?s being in sync regarding all “the big stuff.” You may quarrel about the little things ? he forgets to take out the trash, she forgets to stop nagging ? but when it comes to that magical quality where you both seem to be thinking with a single mind, that?s golden.
JOAN: I?ve talked to a lot of people who said they knew they shouldn?t have married that person as they were walking down the aisle, and they stayed in a bad marriage until their kids left home. So I say listen to your instincts and watch out for the red flag signals: constant arguing, infidelity, constant criticism from your mate when you?re alone and in front of people.
DAN: The challenge that?s worth examining is when the relationship is GOOD, but you still have doubts, and the doubts may be more about YOURSELF than your partner. Just because you have a happy DATING relationship doesn?t mean you?re meant to marry. The key to figuring this all out is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your partner and talk OFTEN. If you?re honest with this person and they can do the same, you?ll find the answer you seek ? just being able to do this is a good sign that marrying may be the right choice.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire, and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
