What do the following have in common: teaching, the collection of unpaid taxes, and the removal of garbage? They are three of the most thankless jobs in America. To that list, add being a father. When it comes to parenting, mothers tend to receive considerably more acclaim than fathers. If in doubt, let me point you in the direction of Mother’s Day, a festive occasion celebrating motherhood and maternal bonds. It’s full of flowers, chocolates, and heartwarming cards. Father’s Day, on the other hand, is full of absent-mindedness and pitiful excuses.
According to a recent survey by Manly Man Co., a company that makes rather interesting gifts for men, 26% of Americans said they had forgotten to purchase their father a gift on Father’s Day, which falls on Sunday, June 19, by the way. Only a third of respondents chose Father’s Day as “one of the most important holidays.” Interestingly, 41% of respondents chose Mother’s Day as the most important. When asked to name the worst gift they had received on Father’s Day, 22.3% said “nothing,” 10% said a “tie,” and 5% said “socks.” One poor soul said he received a “pet rock.” Another despondent father said he was “gifted” with a plunger. Some, I’m sure, will laugh.
However, it helps to ask the following: How did we get here? First off, stereotypes perpetuated by popular TV shows certainly haven’t helped. Think of shows such as Married with Children, Modern Family, The Simpsons, Family Guy — I could go on, but you get the picture. The bumbling buffoon juxtaposed with the hyper-competent wife and mother: Homer and Marge, Peter and Lois, Al and Peggy. The father is tirelessly portrayed as a hapless manchild. The mother, on the other hand, is represented as a highly competent individual — the glue holding the family together. Without her, everything would fall apart.
Rollo Tomassi, the bestselling author who has dedicated more than a decade of his life to improving the lives of men, told me, “Our choices of father archetype in popular culture reflect what we’ve been conditioned to expect from men and masculinity. … Besides being presented with ridiculous, incompetent types,” he noted, “society has, for decades, been presented with numerous depictions of the abusive, deadbeat dad.” A father himself, Tomassi describes this particular type of father as the type “who abandons his kids and wife for any number of selfish reasons. He’s always the source of women’s Daddy Issues and his son’s depression or dependence on his mother’s influence — the single mom who also served as a dad because women can do it all, and in high heels. He’s an alcoholic mother-beater whose son dedicates his life to never becoming himself.” Strong words. They also happen to be undeniably true.
A mother’s love is a wonderful thing. In fact, it’s vital. The same is true for fathers: They play an instrumental role in the life of a child. Today, as I have written previously, a crisis of masculinity has gripped the country. The crisis has been occurring for some time. Of course, one cannot discuss male-related crises without discussing Dr. Warren Farrell, the author of The Boy Crisis. Described as the “father of the men’s movement,” Farrell told me that “the boy crisis has many causes, but one is dominant: The boy crisis resides where dads do not reside.” He’s right. To be more specific, the child crisis resides where dads do not reside.
Researchers have warned that growing up without a father could permanently alter the structure of a child’s brain. Moreover, the absence of a father has been shown to produce children more prone to anger and aggression. Children raised by single mothers are more likely to engage in deviant behavior, including petty crime and the use of dangerous drugs. As researchers at the University of Texas at Austin have noted, involved fatherhood is “linked to better outcomes on nearly every measure of child wellbeing, from cognitive development and educational achievement to self-esteem and pro-social behavior.” Children raised by involved, competent fathers are “39% more likely to earn mostly A’s in school.” They are “45% less likely to repeat a grade” and “60% less likely to be suspended or expelled from school.” Girls raised by involved fathers, the type of men who are there both physically and mentally, are 75% less likely to become teenage mothers. Children who feel a genuine closeness to their fathers are 80% less likely to be arrested and 50% less likely to experience severe depression. Children living in father-absent homes are more likely to be obese than children living in father-present homes.
Right now, more than 25% of children in the United States live without a father in the home. Of course, some readers will point the finger of blame firmly at the fathers. Being a father is a conscious decision, they will say. Likewise, being an absent father is a conscious decision. This is true. Bad people exist, and some of these people go on to become bad fathers. However, this piece is a celebration of the tens of millions of good fathers across the country. The vast majority of fathers out there really do have their children’s best interests at heart. They want to be positive role models. In short, they want to be good parents.
A father that excels in the use of authoritative parenting — an approach that is nurturing and responsive but sets firm boundaries — is a powerful, positive force. Authoritative parenting results in capable, confident children. Parenting is a team effort. A good mother compliments a good father, and vice versa. Both parties bring different skill sets to the table. Fathers nurture in a different manner, focusing more on teamwork and creating a competitive spirit.
I’ll finish on this note: If your father has been good to you, and he’s still alive, then let him know that you care. A good father doesn’t need expensive gifts, and he especially doesn’t need a plunger. He just needs a little recognition. Chances are, he’ll settle for a heartfelt “Thank you!”
John Mac Ghlionn is a researcher and essayist. He covers psychology and social relations and has a keen interest in social dysfunction and media manipulation. Follow him on Twitter @ghlionn.
