Marriage — it’s an institution that a majority of people desire for themselves but one that struggles to flourish in a society that prioritizes individualism and scorns the institutions that traditionally provided couples with support. No wonder, then, that some have decided they’re better off without it.
In a recent interview with the Atlantic, Dr. Bella DePaulo, 68, who worked as a psychology professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara, admitted she’s spent her whole life as a single person with no desire for marriage.
She said there are many like her — the “single at heart” who feel no need for a romantic relationship. DePaulo, along with many others, are content, she said, deeming “single life” to be “the best life.”
However, much of society seems to believe it is unthinkable a person would want to remain single, DePaulo said. Single people often feel a sort of stigma from members of their own communities and are plagued with frequent questions about when they’re going to get married and settle down, she argued.
“People are so invested in this idea that the only way you can be truly happy is to be coupled,” DePaulo said.
Yet DePaulo pointed out that many of the married couples who are supposed to be happier than her have begun to disconnect from their communities and isolate themselves. Their marriage, she said, becomes greedy.
“Because what we find in big national studies is that when people move in with a romantic partner or when they get married, they become more insular,” she explained. “They spend less time with their friends. They stay in touch with their parents less. They are less likely to be in touch with their neighbors, their co-workers.”
DePaulo added that single people “are actually more satisfied with their lives than people who do the ‘You are my everything’ thing.”
Research suggests DePaulo is, in some ways, correct. A New York Times article “found that married respondents were significantly less likely than the unmarried to contact or see their parents and siblings. … The married are also less frequently spent time with or helped friends and neighbors. … More than 80% of never-married individuals said they’d called or written to their parents in the last month, compared with just 60% of married people. Likewise, around 70% of unmarried people but only 30% of the married had socialized with friends in the last month.”
However, DePaulo overstated her case. Married people inevitably have different priorities than those who are single. They are often focused on raising children and building a home, both of which are time-intensive responsibilities.
Moreover, it is normal for married couples to spend what free time they do have on each other. A husband’s top priority is his wife, just as a wife’s top priority is her husband. They still have just as much freedom as those who remain single — it just looks different.
To be sure, married couples should make their communities a priority and resist the temptation to isolate themselves. But to say that most married couples are greedy for spending too much time with their spouses and not enough with family and friends is to misunderstand the very purpose of marriage.
Surely in a society that overemphasizes “self-love,” couples who prioritize each other should be viewed favorably. There’s nothing wrong with a “greedy marriage,” nor is there anything wrong with singlehood — so long as both lifestyles are lived in moderation, of course.
Esther Wickham is a summer 2022 Washington Examiner fellow.
