If I were to admit in this space that I owned a few Mariah Carey CDs (yes, a few; i.e., minimum of three), that would be pretty gosh darn girlie.
So I’ll holster that confession and instead remind “Idol” fans that last week belongs in the salvo of evidence for “Idol” haters who grumble that Fox’s singing competition rarely produces true talent. For the most part, Mariah Week exposed the glaring inferiority of most of these singers and reinforced the generally accepted truth that, boy, that Mariah can really blow. (Did you see her performance on “Idol Gives Back”? That was a blazin’ hot one, America! Thursday, not so much.)
I’m making myself sick with all this fawning, so let’s get back to throwing the impostors under the “Idol Chatter” bus.
DAVID ARCHULETA, 17
» Murray, Utah
David was first to go last week, meaning I was most struck by his un-Mariah-ness. (Cheap beer isn’t so good at the outset.) David alternately churns out stellar performances and snooze-worthy lullabies, and though the judges seemed pleased by his effort, last week I was far more interested in my Cuban pork dinner and pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. (See, you’ve forgotten about him now, too.)
Fuller Power Rank: 1
Vegas odds: 10/13
Turn up or tune out: David is like a volcano: More often than not, he’s just here, but the thought of him erupting makes his performances worth watching. Turn up.
DAVID COOK, 25
» Blue Springs, Mo.
The fans were cheering; the judges were swooning; David was crying; I was puzzling. It was as if a great and momentous occasion had passed before my eyes and I had watched commonly as if it were
traffic. Have you ever looked at a magnificent work at an art museum, studied it intensely and then come to the conclusion, “I just don’t get it”? Yeah.
Fuller Power Rank: 2
Vegas odds: 6/5
Turn up or tune out: I confer to the wiser minds of the “Idol” populace, who apparently think David is the greatest thing since Pop-Tarts. As a result, I bump him up to No. 2 on the Scott Fuller Scoreboard and hope the good hope that we aren’t in store for an all-David finale. In the meantime, I’ll sneer at his music. And remind you that he’s kind of funny looking. Tune out.
JASON CASTRO, 20
» Rockwall, Texas
Jason owned the showstopper of Mariah Night, according to my TV set. He’s different, he’s fun, he’s talented, he’s cool (maybe). I would definitely buy a Jason Castro CD. If it didn’t cost more than $3.99. And if no one found out about it. And if the CD didn’t include speaking interludes or awkwardly posed photos on the inside jacket. Point is, if someone gave me a Jason Castro CD, I’d be stoked.
Fuller Power Rank: 3
Vegas odds: 15/1
Turn up or tune out: My roommate kept laughing about what a phony he was. I was too ashamed to admit he’s my new favorite. Turn up.
BROOKE WHITE, 24
Fans of this space know I spent a majority of last season poking fun at Phil Staceyfor myriad reasons, most notably that he skipped the birth of his daughter to audition for “Idol.” It both pleases and disappoints me then that we learned Brooke recently bypassed her sister’s wedding to spend time with the folks at Fox. My one thought: I hope her sister is on marriage No. 8.
Fuller Power Rank: 4
Vegas odds: 35/1
Turn up or tune out: Brooke’s performance last week was rushed and uncomfortable, making it easier to drop her two spots on the Scott Fuller Coaches Poll. If the air between her ears catches any more wind, Brooke’s going to float right on out of this competition. Tune out.
SYESHA MERCADO, 21
Syesha keeps getting better every week. Unfortunately, Syesha’s personality keeps getting more blah every week, too. I just stared at these last two sentences for a few minutes because I didn’t know what else to say.
Fuller Power Rank: 5
Vegas odds: 40/1
Turn up or tune out: I am starting to like Syesha. But short of a groundbreaking
performance, lurid scandal or Syesha tearing off her flesh to reveal she is a Martian conquistador in disguise, I think this diva-in-development is one lousy performance from the long road home. Tune out.
CARLY SMITHSON, 24
Carly stuck around last week, like gum on your shoe. Carly has talent and personality, but when she starts performing, I suddenly remember that my sock drawer needs to be organized. As for Carly’s potential? The ferryman of broken dreams fills his coffers from doomed souls who showed “potential.”
Fuller Power Rank: 6
Vegas odds: 30/1
Turn up or tune out: Hey, at least she beat Kristy Lee Cook! Carly looked good for a long time, but it’s last call and the lights finally came on. The truth is ugly. Time to go home. Tune out.
Each week, Scott Fuller breaks down the sinkers and swimmers on
“American Idol.” Sound off: sfuller@
