THERE WAS a time once when I wouldn’t miss an Arnold Schwarzenegger film for all the world. I loved his narrow escapes from the jaws of death: diving into a pool as flames chased after him, or jumping out of a plane and pulling the ripcord at the very last second. I loved his self-deprecation. But most of all, I loved the way he disposed of the bad guys: with extreme prejudice and a lousy quip that only he could get away with because of his deadpan delivery and thick Styrian accent.
In “Commando,” he drops a thug off a cliff and later tells Rae Dawn Chong, “I let him go.” In “True Lies,” his last words to a terrorist strapped to a missile are, “You’re fired.” In “Total Recall,” after shooting Sharon Stone, his murderous wife, he says, “Consider that a divorce.” And in “Predator,” he hurls a knife at a guy, nailing him to the wall, and says, “Stick around.” Vintage Arnold.
Sadly, in his latest flick, “Collateral Damage,” (in theaters on Friday) vintage Arnold is nowhere to be found. For starters, there aren’t many quips. In fact, there’s only one: When a Colombian terrorist interrogates Schwarzenegger, he asks the big guy what the difference is between the two of them, since they will both kill for a cause. Arnold replies, “The difference is . . . I’ll just kill you.” (That actually got a laugh and a few claps from the audience.)
But more worrisome is Schwarzenegger’s wearied presence on screen. He plays Gordon Brewer, a fireman and father whose wife and son are killed in Los Angeles when a bomb goes off at the Colombian consulate. Brewer grows intent on bringing the killer, known as “The Wolf,” to justice, even without the help of Special Forces or the CIA. But because he is a fireman and not a commando–let alone a cyborg–most of Brewer’s actions are simple, basic, and almost sluggish. His fight scenes are unglamorous and the way he offs terrorists is uninspired. (Remember in “Commando” how he impales a guy on a steam pipe and says to him, “Let off some steam”?)
There’s no jumping out of planes, no dangling off the side of a building, no hanging on to a horse’s harness, no firing of two Uzis at the same time, spraying bullets every which way. It’s not that he’s out of shape. He still has a muscular body and he exercises rigorously every day. He’s probably in better shape than anyone I know. Anyone, that is, who was born in 1947.
It is certainly impressive to watch a 54-year-old man still doing action thrillers. But sooner or later, he’s got to ask himself when it becomes too much. After all, he had a heart valve replaced in 1997 and more recently he broke a few ribs in a motorcycle accident (he punctured one of his lungs). Schwarzenegger needs to think about making the transition away from action pics, especially with young stars like Eric Bana and Vin Diesel nipping at his heels.
It’s something that every actor of his type (and build) must face. In his early 50s, Sean Connery starred in “Never Say Never Again,” the last time he ever played James Bond. The hairpiece was too obvious and you couldn’t miss the wrinkles. But five years later, he played an aging beat cop in Brian De Palma’s “The Untouchables” and won an Oscar. After a string of unsuccessful films, Sylvester Stallone developed a gut and starred in “Copland,” for which he received some critical acclaim. (No, I cannot account for “Get Carter” and “Driven.” The producers of “Driven” were so nervous about Sly’s over-the-hill image that he wasn’t even featured in the movie’s commercials, for fear he would drive the box office down.) The point is, it can be done.
Not that Schwarzenegger needs to play a serious role. He can actually pull off what many actors can’t: Comedy. Movies like “Kindergarten Cop” and “True Lies” (which combined both action and comedy) were terrific successes. And while “Twins” and “Jingle All The Way” might not appeal to many of his fans, they still did well–and much better than his last few action films. Both “End of Days” ($67 million, domestic) and “The Sixth Day” ($35 million) earned much less than movies like “Terminator 2” ($205 million). “Collateral Damage” will continue the tailspin. None of the action sequences are memorable. And neither are any of the supporting actors, including Elias Koteas as a CIA agent and Francesca Neri as the terrorist’s wife.
Some may say that there is no way for “Collateral Damage” to do well in the wake of the attacks of September 11. Indeed, its scheduled release last fall was postponed because of the World Trade Center attacks. (Schwarzenegger and Warner Brothers both agreed that it would be inappropriate to run the film so soon after the attacks.) But the truth is, even if the World Trade Center and the Pentagon hadn’t been hit, “Collateral Damage” would still have foundered at the box office. At 54 years old, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the Running Man of 1987 and people can’t help but notice.
This in no way means, however, that his career is over. In fact, his next two scheduled films are “True Lies 2” and “Terminator 3.” And audiences will turn out in droves for both–because of the playful dynamic between Schwarzenegger, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Tom Arnold in the former and the cult following of the latter. And also because people like Arnold.
Schwarzenegger never takes himself too seriously and will even make fun of himself and his movies–he once defended the disappointing “Last Action Hero” by saying it was immensely popular in Zaire. He’s also a proud American (since 1983) who, after the terrorist attacks last fall, stormed “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” waving an American flag to a standing ovation. He told Leno that after the events of September 11, watching the country unite, he couldn’t be more proud to be an American. With an attitude like that, there’s no doubt: He’ll be back.
Victorino Matus is an assistant managing editor at The Weekly Standard.
