It was only a matter of time. It just happened far earlier than I expected.
Ohio-grown Garrett Haley had my support even before he sang. After his understated, pretty performance of Neil Sedaka’s “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” — maybe the best male performance last week — Garrett had established himself as someone I was going to be rooting for during the long haul.
Now he’s gone.
“Idol” always disappoints me at some point. But usually it’s later in the competition, when voters have already chosen their favorites or I’m sick of the stinkin’ show anyway and ready for some summer breezes.
SeasonSeven is setting up to be a sour one. This week, let’s stop pussyfooting around. Let’s get mean.
CHIKEZIE EZE, 22
Chikezie’s rendition of “I Love You More Today” was awful. He followed this abomination with some preheated backtalk to Simon, writing checks his pipes can’t cash. To respectfully disagree with Mr. Cowell: I actually thought Chikezie’s hideous orange suit was the highlight of his performance.
Turn up or tune out: Anybody seeing stars in Chikezie’s future must be thinking about the ones soon to be found on his clown pants at Ringling Bros. He’s packing his bindle stick and hittin’ the road this week. Tune out.
DAVID COOK, 25
» Blue Springs, Mo.
David’s “Happy Together” was the worst male performance last week. Maybe it was his smug smirking and leering; maybe it was his karaoke singing or unfortunate haircut; maybe it was the hounds bellowing in the back of the audience. I just know the performance had me making a sucking-on-lemons, bitter-beer face.
Turn up or tune out: David likely advanced because voters mistook him for Archuleta or Hernandez. This week, he gets the boot. Tune out.
LUKE MENARD, 29
Scene from last Tuesday:
Luke: “People are going to remember this tomorrow.”
Simon: “No one’s going to ever admit to being forgettable.”
Luke: Silence. Awkward, pained silence. Uncomfortable smile. Audience fidgets in embarrassment.
Turn up or tune out: Nice guys finish last. Not-very-talented nice guys finish somewhere close to last. One more week and it’s back to cleaning carpets. Tune out.
JASON YEAGER, 28
Jason is a doofus. What points he gains for being a humble doofus (which took me by surprise), he loses right back for last week’s glee clubperformance of “Moon River.” He loses double for the blond streak in his hair.
Turn up or tune out: Mission accomplished for Jason: He has proved to his son (who may have saved his pops from elimination last week) that a teeny bit of work and a lot of dumb luck can win any schmuck five minutes of fame. Tune out.
Robbie says he’s not a pop artist, but he sang in a boy band. Robbie says he’s a rocker; I say he’s a hypocrite.
Turn up or tune out: Simon’s not buying what he’s selling and said Robbie’s not authentic. Me? I think that in the sea of no-name, forgettable performers, there’s no one more authentic than Robbie. Tune out.
JASON CASTRO, 20
» Rockwall, Texas
Jason’s not as smooth as I thought. Jason’s not as hot as I thought. It’s a singing competition, you say? Well, despite the glowing reviews from last week, Jason’s not as talented as I thought.
Turn up or tune out: Take away the can’t-miss cool factor of playing a guitar on stage — since when was this fair, anyway? — and you’ve got pure, uncut mediocrity. Tune out.
DAVID ARCHULETA, 17
» Murray, Utah
Don’t even get me started. Last season, we watched as overrated, uninspiring Jordin Sparks took the crown. I see her spirit reincarnated in the already-overhyped, fresh-faced innocence of plucky David Archuleta.
Turn up or tune out: I’m not at all moved, except to wonder why so many others are. Plan on this being a recurring theme in this space, sadly. Tune out.
DAVID HERNANDEZ, 24
David has a really nice voice, and I know I said he was my preseason favorite, but this week I’m reminded that the world already has one too many Backstreet Boys.
Turn up or tune out: I will leave the door open, lest Sublimity find her way in. But I’ll expect little. Tune out.
MICHAEL JOHNS, 29
Aussie Michael is near the top of the “Idol” charts this year. And I like him. I hope it’s not justbecause he’s the only decent dude in the bunch.
Turn up or tune out: Michael’s superiority among the boys confirms that, yet again, the women are in a league of their own. Turn up.
DANNY NORIEGA, 18
» Azusa, Calif.
Danny had me at hello. Or, more likely, at his smart-alecky “Thank you very much, Simon!” that he snapped off during the very first auditions. Danny was full of surprises, whether it be his refreshing let-it-ride attitude or last week’s unexpectedly dynamic rendition of “Jailhouse Rock.”
Turn up or tune out: Let’s pray Danny’s over-the-top confidence doesn’t get old fast. If it doesn’t, I’m on board. And I’m not going to let the Jessica Alba look-alike thing die quite yet, either. Turn up.
