Readership warning: Satire and sarcasm are strong in my entire post below.
A few weeks ago, using my couponing skills in my other identity as The Coupon Whisperer, I picked up several of the new Air Wick Freshmatic Odor Detector sprays. While the other sprays worked via timing or motion detection, the odor detector spray could detect unpleasant odors and then release a spray. I first set such a kit up in my bathroom. Soon afterwards, when I had to perform a personal duty there while in sitting position, no sooner had I begun my task when from the window sill behind me I heard: WHOOOSSSHHH!
I was pleasantly surprised. Not long after that I entered the bathroom late in the afternoon. As soon as I entered the spray responded: WHOOOSSSHHH!
“Huh? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t like the way I smell?”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
I got the point and immediately took a shower to appease the spray sitting imperiously in judgement on my bathroom window sill.
Over the next few days, this pattern repeated itself to such an extent that I began to tremble at the harsh judgement of the object that I began to think of as the Odor god. Unfortunately, there was no fooling the Odor god by taking cosmetic shortcuts. One day, after having been outside in the heat for several hours, I put on an air of forced nonchalance when confronting the Odor god:
“Hey, I worked up a just a bit of a sweat but it was all in my T-shirt so I only had to change my shirt to…”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
Into the shower I went. It only angers the Odor god when trying to scam it by taking the easy way out.
Over the course of the following days I noticed that my personal hygene improved by quite a bit due to the many extra showers I was forced to take in order to seek the the approval of the Odor god. One day my television was on as more news about the skyrocketing national deficit appeared on the screen. Suddenly an idea blazed before me.
Why not have a version of the Odor god in Congress? It would be his larger cousin, the Deficit god that would sit imperiously in Congress right in front of the Speaker’s desk and could detect the unpleasant odor of BS in any discussion of the deficit. When it was not pleased with the proceedings, it would fill the House chamber with an angry mist to signal its disapproval.
For example, if the President addresses a joint session of Congress to discuss the deficit crises, something like this would happen in the middle of his speech:
“And I too am concerned about the mounting deficit. Therefore I propose that we raise taxes on the…”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
“Huh? You mean raising taxes aren’t the solution?”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
“Because doing so would actually lower net revenue, not raise it?”
The silence from the Deficit god would signal its approval.
“Okay, then how about we pump prime the economy with another stimulus program chock full of shovel-ready jobs?”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
“Okay, forget that. I’ve therefore decided to get really really serious on this matter by appointing a deficit commission headed by vice-president…”
WHOOOSSSHHH!
In addition to using its BS detecting powers to guide the nation in the right direction to lower the deficit, the Deficit god would also be useful in preventive maintenance. Imagine if the Deficit god had been around when then House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had declared about ObamaCare:
“We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it.”
The Deficit god would have reacted so violently as to fill the halls of Congress with such a massive mist as to cause the choking members to be unable to conduct any further business.
WHOOOSSSHHH!
